Monday, December 1, 2008

not now...please...not now!



beyond triggered.
a whole speech about marriage.
why am i here?
the thoughts going through my head...
it's definitely a "where's the log off button on my brain?" moment.

it's hurting a lot.
ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts...
it hurts everywhere....my whole body! make it go away...
please...

i don't want to hear this.
not now.
i don't want to hear about yaakov spending 14 years in shem ve'ever...on torah marriage classes.
i don't want to hear about how yaakov hadn't yet fulfilled the mitzvah of p'ru u'revu.
i don't want to hear about how many hours of kallah classes is considered a lot.
not now.
maybe in a few years.
but...but...not now!

it's hurting!
take me away!

my body is going haywire. i can't deal with the pain!
i thinkn i really need to read "recreating yourself" and teach myself how to consciously dissociate. cuz i can't stay here anymore.

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no

don't talk to me about yaakov meeting rochel. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!
i don't want to hear this! NOT NOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PLEASE NO! NOT NOW! I CAN'T HEAR THIS! NOT NOW! please...please...please take me away. please...please...please stop. i can't listen. no more. i'm gonna focus only on my writing. what should i write about? i can't even think about anything but what's going on around me. my brain is such a mush i can't focus.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words.
for goodness sakes! he's talking about something that happened more than 3000 years ago! why is it affecting me so much?!
STOP! PLEASE STOP!
why now rabbi? why now?
remind me next week. maybe i shouldn't come.

4 comments:

  1. Um... may I ask why you didn't just excuse yourself? Why would you stay and listen to something that's causing you such distress?

    I really feel for you right now because sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING people talk about somehow comes back to this topic. It drove me crazy when I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, and now it's starting to drive me crazy again because I'd love to get married but it isn't actually happening yet. Either way I've had enough of the obsession...

    ReplyDelete
  2. was basically frozen to my chair. so i just stayed and wrote and wrote and stayed until the shiur was over and my friend was ready to leave...
    :-(

    ReplyDelete
  3. Next time, please excuse yourself. I believe there are enough people present that you can slip out and no one will notice or be insulted if you don't return.

    There are a lot of things that can't be helped. But when you are able to walk out of a difficult situation, please take advantage!

    ReplyDelete
  4. shef i, refer back back to my last comment...frozen as in temporary paralysis. i literally could not get up :(

    ReplyDelete

c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?