Friday, January 30, 2009


guess who is filthy?
guess who is dirty?
guess who wishes she wouldn't care?

guess who is smelly?
guess who is stinky?
guess who wishes she didn't care?

guess who's scared, guess who's shaking,
guess who wants to get outta here?
guess who's scared, guess who's shaking,
guess who wants to get outta here?

you know the answer, you know the answer,
you know the answer, the answer...
you know the answer, you know the answer,
you know the answer, the answer...

guess who....

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

therapy travels

therapy has never been on my list of favorite ways to spend an evening. is it really on anyones? well, maybe on a therapist's list.

despite this, i go. cuz it's the right thing to do. and cuz it'll kill my mother if i give up, and she doesn't deserve to be killed for being the best mother out there.

this latest therapy is causing more problems than that though. therapy, i don't like, but i can put up with. but travelling for more than half an hour to go for therapy? it's just pushing me to my limits. and besides for the time...

it's not walking.
i have two options:

take the train, or get a ride.

now, if you've read my post triggers you know that i really don't like public transportation. it creeps me out. the crowds-ohmygodisthatsomeonetouchingmegetmeoutofhererightnow!!! the advertisements-ididnotjustseethat.really,ididn't. everything about them. sometimes, if i'm not travelling too far, and i have someone with me, i can handle it. but to be on the train for an HOUR???? it usually leaves me in a sort of panic for a while after.

now, the second option...technically speaking, this should be ideal, right? no crowds, no or it would be. if i wasn't terrified of one place we have to pass on the way...


i'm going to go shopping.
can anyone tell me...
where can i buy a life?

Sunday, January 25, 2009


(song, tto: london bridge is falling down)

little sheep loves taking meds
every day, before bed,
little sheep knows she'll soon be
very drug-induced-happy!

(well, that of course, depends on my newly prescribed meds working, of course.
funny, funny joke.)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

family gathering

i will not flip, or freak, or panic
though my brain is full of static
i'm really not being dramatic
this whole evening's quite traumatic

i really did not want to see him
nor his wife, nor his children
tried to sit there with a grin
on this happy occasion

and then
i left.

i can't look at his daughter's eyes.
they scare me, much to my surprise
there's something in them i recognise
reminding me of my silent cries

and i can't look. i can't see them.
so i left.
and i didn't go back.

foolish coward.

Friday, January 23, 2009

daylight hours

broad daylight
a perfectly safe time
to walk through the streets
after all,
in the middle of the day,
who would start up with me?

i walk quickly
down the avenue,
eyes darting to and fro.
suddenly, a voice calls to me...
"excuse me?"
i look up--

a man sitting in a car.
he must need directions
i stand a few feet away
look at him questioningly
as he says in a loud voice
"don't i know you...

pretty face?"
make a mad dash.
run. run.
i'm never
walking through the streets
alone. never again.


no, this one is not a nightmare. black guy, con ed vehicle, in new york. real life.
never again.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

alone II

all alone
where are you?
i look
yet see
no one.

how can it be
that i have
so many
people who
and yet

i feel

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


note: a few things to remember about this post before you read it:
nightmares are not real. what you are about to read never actually happened to me.
this will be a little disgusting. if you get nauseas easily, or if you get triggered easily, it's not for you.
even though nightmares are not real, and this never did happen, nightmares are a big part of my life.
they make me afraid to go to sleep at night.
they paralyze me when i am awake.
so while this may not be true, in a is the truth.
some of this may sound like total nonsense.
in a way, it is. i'm not changing it from the way it was written (except correcting spelling errors), and i was not fully awake when i wrote it.
i was just waking up, and writing the beginning while the end was still happening.
if you don't understand it...your loss.

So tired keep falling asleep sick nightmares scaring me waking me up falling asleep again so nauseas from them hurts everything hurts penises and hands and running running where to put the gun touching me swinging in air breasts and vaginas help me
big sicko don’t hide gun listen bigger stronger let him have you no point in running he knows better let him stick himself inside Keep going lick me running running must hide it someone points into room naked men all over screaming ladies hard penis in her face want to leave they all grab me start screaming but laughing hands on penis in face blanket smothering off on off on He says let me play with pussy so cute starts touching playing till wet wipes on my face help me help me help me help me running running no place to hide gun…

Monday, January 19, 2009


guess who is ready to go home?
guess who cannot go alone?
guess who really had enough,
of smiley, happy, wedding stuff?

weddings II

little sheep is happy,
little sheep is glad.
little sheep never
ever feels sad.
little sheep goes to a
wedding with a smile,
little sheep will wear it
all the while.
everyone knows that
the smile is fake,
but little sheep does
whatever it takes!

showers V

last night,
i had a miracle
happen to me.

last night,
i took a shower
without It, you see.

last night,
i didn't hurt,
i was there all the way.

last night,
i took a shower,
and survived anyway!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

yell, please

i need someone to yell at me, tell me i am bad,
i need someone upset at me, someone to be mad.
if you won't be mad at me, please ignore my call,
if no one will be mad at me, i'll stick with my four walls.
i don't mean to be hurting you, that's not what i intend,
just need someone, really, please, an angry hand to lend.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

holding on

holding on a little longer
can only make me a little stronger
so why do i feel it's not worth the fight
to keep holding on with all my might?

holding on a little longer
can only make me a little stronger
but i don't know how much longer i can last
i need ideas to hold on fast...

Sunday, January 11, 2009


feels like he's here now
and his hands so rough
are hurting me immensely
with his unwanted touch
his hands that go everywhere
whethere i like it or not
and won't go away even if
i use all the strength i've got

Thursday, January 8, 2009

It Video (renamed)

One person who watched this said i should please put up a warning. i'm not sure what she wants me to warn everyone about (although, rebbetzin, i would've liked one too before you suddenly sent it to me!!) but here it is:


thanks for sending me this link, rebbetzin. it describes It so much better than my writing ever can...

Monday, January 5, 2009

new therapist

went into the city today
spent my time in an exciting way
an hour plus with a therapist stayed

we all know that i love therapy
love talking all about what troubles me
and always answer so honestly

that's why i'm surprised this time
that i'm here writing all these lines
cuz really i'm not doing fine

and i really told her so
she let me head back home though
cuz i signed a stupid contract, i know

that it was a real dumb thing to do
cuz now i'm bound, through and through
to stay here longer...with all of you.

feel honored? i feel horrored. promised so many things today, just so she wouldn't lock me up. i can't get locked up. no way. so i promised. but not because i wanted to. are forced promises counted as promises, or can i break them because i only made them so she'd let me go home, and really my heart wasn't in it?

Sunday, January 4, 2009


It's hurting me again so bad
just make It go away,
It's not bothering to listen to
a single word i say.
It's hurting me again and again
quite continuously,
sometimes hidden really well
so nobody can see.
and so my nails, hands and teeth
again are put to use,
cuz they're my only coping skills,
i've had them since my youth.
to me It will not listen,
It just won't go away,
but maybe to you It will,
so please yell at It today.

Friday, January 2, 2009


It is in my underwear
freaking out, cuz It is here
i think it's cuz my niece keeps sitting there
once again giving me a scare

Thursday, January 1, 2009


to all those wondering: by some miracle, i am still alive. (thanks rebbetzen and HO ;-) writing just doesn't seem to be working right now, though there's been no lack of effort. sorry...