Wednesday, April 22, 2009

yated "ne'eman"

the first letter to the editor in the yated this week is a mangled version of one that i sent them. for the record, i DID NOT withhold my name. i signed it little sheep, as i always do. i am posting here my original letter, and their mangled version below it.

my original letter:

I want to commend you for having the courage to come out in the open and discuss a topic as controversial and uncomfortable as abuse and molestation in the frum communities. Please realize that as difficult as it is for you to write about it, imagine how much more difficult it is for someone like me, for whom it is a daily reality.
Nobody is quite sure when my abuse started. We assume that it went on for about five years, before I somehow mustered up the courage to tell my parents that a close relative of mine was continuously abusing me. On a steady basis, my privacy and humanity were being violated in the most horrific ways. It's been ten years since then. Ten years of therapy, of depression, of medication, of guilt. Ten years in which the mere mention of my abuser's name sets off panic attacks. Ten years of nightmares. Ten years of torture.
And the worst part, as Rabbi Lipshitz mentioned, is the shame and the silence. My very own family members know that I have some 'issues' but they think it is just me. What they don't know is that it is not me, but rather a very sick and perverted relative of theirs. What they don't know is that I suffer silently. I suffer from such a complete lack of understanding from everyone around me. I am constantly fielding shidduch calls, but people don't realize that I can't even dream about going on a date with a man. I have memories that none of my peers can understand. I have urges to do things that nobody around me can begin to imagine. I have thoughts, feelings and ideas that would make some of my friends run from me.
I believe that proper support is the first step towards healing, and therefore, I am working {together with rabbanim and therapists} to develop a network of girls from frum homes who have been abused, and are looking to heal together with me. Please email me: littlesheffele@gmail.com
Thank you for your courage, and for your support, and for giving us this voice,

Little Sheep

what the yated published:

I want to commend you for having the courage to come out in the open and discuss a topic as controversial and uncomfortable as abuse in the frum community. Please realize that as difficult as it is for you to write about it, imagine how much more difficult it is for someone like me, for whom it is a daily reality. On a steady basis, my humanity was being violated in the most horrific ways. It's been ten years since then. ten years of therapy, depression, medication, and guilt. Ten years during which the mere mention of my abusers name set off panic attacks. Ten years of nightmares. Ten years of torture.

And the worst part, as rabbi lipshutz mentioned, is the shame and silence. My very own family members know that I have some "issues", but they think it's just me.

What they don't know is that I suffer silently. I suffer from such a complete lack of understanding from everyone around me. I believe that proper support is the first step towards healing, and therefore, I am working, together with rabbanim and therapists, to develop a network of individuals from frum homes who have been abused and can look to heal together with me.

Thank you for your courage, for your support, and for giving us this voice.

(and despite the fact that i signed it as little sheep, they chose to sign me off as "name withheld")

edited to add: i just read the rest of the letters in this weeks yated. it's interesting to note that it's ok for information on how to get support for people who are in treatment or have had treatment for cancer to be published in a letter, but not for victims of sexual abuse. i'm not begrudging cancer patients their right to have support, in fact, i think that's JUST AS IMPORTANT. i do think though, that this paper is more messed up than i had thought before. as if that's possible.

i am asking you, my readers, to email this to everyone you know who reads the yated. i want MY voice heard, not what the yated feels like publishing!

43 comments:

  1. I could say a lot, but I will just post my first two thoughts:

    1. LOL. So many ridiculous and/or long-winded letters go in there that I was convinced they never edit anything.

    2. I can understand witholding your email address, but if they were anyway going to mention that you're trying to form a support network they should at least have written something along the lines of "contact Yated for more information." Hopefully someone will put in a letter next week saying that they want info about the support network...

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  2. oh....mangled is not the word...
    They totally gentrified and took all the passion out of your letter...
    ughh

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  3. shef, why not do it yourself? just email them about it, and ask them where to get more info...

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  4. shef-1) if i wasn't so...whatever about the whole situation right now, i'd laugh too. but i am so...whatever, so i'm not laughing.

    david-i was trying to be nice. well, maybe not. it was the first word that popped into my head when i read their version. haven't seen you around here in a while, i was wondering if you still read!

    with u-they'd probably just email her the answer, if they bothered responding.

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  5. I'm sickened but less than shocked. Sex, passion and strong emotion are things that cannot really be discussed in charedi society. So as David puts it, your letter gets "gentrified" and dessicated so it's fit for publication in a publication whose readership (and staff) would really prefer not to know too much about these things anyway.

    What can I say -- this is a symptom of the problem.

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  6. I also agree with shef i said... considering the amount of gharb'ahge that gets printed in the letters section, one might imagine that the Yated just doesn't edit.... how nice to discover that they do.

    I find the omission of your e-mail address to be almost inexplicable. Do they not want to admit that e-mail exists???

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  7. AZ,

    did you see anything in that letter that's not ok to publish? cuz maybe i'm biased, but i thought i made it VERY clean.

    and about the email address thing...obviously, that's not the issue, as they have printed many email addresses for all sorts of people. for someone who was trying to start a support group for other types of mental health issues-NO PROBLEM! for a cancer patients support group? NO PROBLEM! for people who found things they'd like to return, people who lost things, people looking for information about dead relatives...NO PROBLEM! but when it comes to sexual abuse (note that the word "sexual" does NOT appear in my letter), it's suddenly not ok...

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  8. The problem is that they don't want any "innocent" readers to even realize what abuse means. When we beat around the bush, abuse is some vague concept that no one has any idea -- coming from a sheltered environment -- what it means. They took out the fact that you were looking for fellow girls for support -- "individuals" makes abuse a whole different ballgame than the abuse you endured. Discussing who the abuser was also makes it easier to picture. And the dismissing of shidduch ideas because of the thought of a man might help people finally understand what people are going through that needs to stop. But, no. Chas Veshalom our innocent souls should find out that such a horrific thing occurs and has vast repercussions. The word "Abuse" means nothing if you don't give it a face in the society we live in. How can we pursue a Most Wanted Criminal without a description? How can we prevent and heal such a sickness without giving it a face?

    (I'm not supposing here. I've read letters from mothers who were shocked that infertility was mentioned in a publication their 13 year old could pick up. Kal V'chomer something like abuse where it's even easier to pretend it does not exist.)

    :(

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  9. you're right. and this is the reason why it's so easy to abuse kids in our society. because not only do we not properly support those who suffered, we have this idea in our heads that we cannot properly educate our kids, because of their "innocence."

    problem with this theory:
    if my innocence hadn't been "protected" in this manner, maybe i'd still have my innocence.

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  10. Just so you know, I was NOT lol'ing about the situation. Just about the IRONY. Once I got over the irony I continued reading and experienced the appropriate dismay ;-)

    With u -- Hey, good idea! In fact, I think we should ALL storm the Yated asking for more info! Even though we obviously are all already here on board, imagine the shock value when they realize how many people actually 'need' this information. Maybe it'll almost be representative of how many people actually NEED it!

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  11. shef, now you're talking! i'm cooking up new publicity ideas...

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  12. AZ, I gotta say, that letter was written very carefully, making an extreme effort to keep it publishable. Don't ask me how I know, it's just this feeling I have... ;-)


    Shef, I was thinking along those lines too. LS, you give the word....I have about ten different email addresses that I can use to flood their inbox with requests for contact info. :-p

    LS, I'm really sorry. I am angry for you!

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  13. This is terrible.

    >problem with this theory:
    if my innocence hadn't been "protected" in this manner, maybe i'd still have my innocence.

    That is one of the saddest things I've ever read in my life.

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  14. if it's the saddest thing you've ever heard OTD, do something about it.

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  15. I will. Expect a post about it within the next few days.

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  16. Ok. Done.
    http://offthed.blogspot.com/2009/04/yated-never-censors.html

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  17. I sent them an email requesting information. I hope that sends a message to them.

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  18. LS- you think a few paper letters mailed in would be nice...for variety?
    Cuz they can't reply to emails that way... ;)

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  19. the more the merrier, people! call, email, write, fax...whatever it takes! SD, if you have the contact info, can you post it?

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  20. I'm pretty sure the email address is editor@yated.com but I guess you can confirm that...
    I don't have the contact info, cuz we didn't get our yated yet this week. But anyone who has it should be able to look in the front and get it.

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  21. I think calling would be powerful, not just writing. Anyway, if you get to talk to an actual person then you have a chance to answer their answers. Y'know what I mean.

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  22. ok everyone:

    yated "ne'eman"
    53 olympia lane
    monsey, ny 10952

    phone:
    845-369-1600

    canada phone:
    514-484-5201

    lakewood phone:
    732-730-1156

    midwest:
    773-583-7461

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  23. As an educator, I've had to do a lot of learning about how to protect kids (or try to, at least.) Two things are very clear to me:
    1. Education and information is crucial to people's ability to defend themselves against abuse and for anyone to help stop things that have already occurred.
    2. It is entirely possible to educate even very young children on this topic without compromising their 'innocence.'

    This was about to become a rather long comment, but I think I'll just write up a whole post about it instead... Expect some more Yated letters shortly!

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  24. I just called the yated (you have to call the monsey number) and asked the girl who picked up if there was any contact info for the support group mentionned in the first letter. She said if there's none mentionned in the letter, then they probably don't have any. She put me on hold for a few seconds and then said "nope, we don't have any. sorry!"

    i wonder if she only looked at the paper, or if she actually checked her inbox/asked someone else in the office....

    LS, im sorry...

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  25. thanks TRM!!! now i can actually call them myself and give them a what for. i EMAILED them for God's sake!!

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  26. Yes, please call them and make a fuss! It's one thing not to print it on the paper, it's another one not to give it to people who call and ask for it.

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  27. just like every publication in the world they have the right to edit submissions. If you don't like it send your stuff elsewhere.

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  28. I'm the anonymous poster from before...

    1. Yated does not have a problem with email addresses. I have definitely seen them in other letters (hashavas aveida, etc)...

    2. I know someone who works there. Has nothing to do with this, different department, but I wonder if I bug her if she can speak to the powers that be. Wish me luck.

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  29. as i said to them in an email, i have no problem with them editing my letter. i have a problem with them mangling it so that i sound like a bumbling fool, and omitting my contact information when

    a) i specifically requested that they make it available
    b)according to a conversation i JUST had with their office TODAY, my request that they make this information available DOES NOT go according to their policy. I DID NOT ask that, the secretary voluntarily offered the information to me!

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  30. People are not generally aware but the closer a person is related to you, the more serious is any morality violation.

    Rabbi Shimshon Pincus z"l said on a tape that a quite young niece came to sit on his lap and one of his relatives yelled at him that it was a problem of Arayos.

    As a matter of fact, this is a correct attitude at an earlier age than most of us would imagine.

    The righteous talmidei chachomim are careful about this and are not so naive when it comes to their own children.

    I don't know how explicit they are about telling youngsters about the birds and the bees but they take steps to keep children somewhat apart when they reach a certain age.

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  31. The birds and the bees have nothing to do with it. Even a three-year-old can be told that it's ok for people to touch your hands and arms when playing, but they should run and get you if someone touches them anywhere else. How's and why's not required. That's just for example; this is not an extensive educational plan, so no need to nitpick.

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  32. Sheffele,

    "did you see anything in that letter that's not ok to publish? cuz maybe i'm biased, but i thought i made it VERY clean."I know -- and that's the problem! It doesn't matter how "clean" it is, how many euphemisms are used. Look at the words that were edited out: "molestation", "privacy", "very sick and perverted", and the most powerful part: "I can't even dream about going on a date with a man. I have memories that none of my peers can understand. I have urges to do things... I have thoughts, feelings and ideas..." All things that hint at sex, and emotions and an inner self in terrible turmoil.

    So, no -- there was nothing in that letter that should have been removed...except the truth. A truth that can never be acknowledged because it would force acknowledgment of things like sexuality and psychology and the power of relationships. And the presence of evil within a community that is supposed to be free of it. And all of those things are powerful and unpredictable and uncontrollable. So who wants to bring them out into the open?

    IMO--the only way these topics will be discussed openly is if they're euphemized into meaninglessness.... something that compares molestation to the pain of challah dough being ruined on erev Shabbos or something else ridiculous.

    I don't know what to say...it's very upsetting... but I'm also getting used to it by now.

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  33. just realized that i wrote that they said it does not go according to their policy. that makes no sense at all.

    what i meant to say is that my letter does not fit into what the secretary said is considered contact information not fit for publication in readers write.

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  34. AZ-that was extremely powerful! a therapist i sent it to wants to know some things...i'll email you about that!

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  35. imo there's 2 separate issues here - editing the letter, and witholding contact info.

    contact info - that just sounds irresponsible. i wonder if there was a simple mixup.

    editing - they have every right in the world to do that. it's their publication after all. i'm sure they have some sort of disclaimer saying so, along with every other paper out there.

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  36. i c-like i said, i don't have a problem with them editing the letter. they did make it inaccurate though, and it's not clear what i'm trying to say in the letter either. instead of sounding intelligent, i sound like a bumbling fool. and THAT is my problem with what they did.

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  37. Dear Shef,
    Yated aside, you may wish to carry out your project through an established organization, and not field email inquiries by yourself because some of them may be from voyeurs and perverts looking for some vulnerable people. AND SOME OF THEM CAN BE VERY CONVINCING.

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  38. Stupid question:
    Why would the Yated leave in the part about you looking to form a support group if they refuse to help in aiding it? What good does it do to leave it dangling like that -- how could it possibly be formed?

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  39. anon, you might want to ask the yated that question. i'm not sure about that myself. and in all the back and forth of emailing them, i still haven't gotten a clear answer on that one.

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  40. This is why I don't read it. It's a piece of frummy crap.

    Notice what they took out, "molested" and that it was a relative. What did they do? Rewrote it from a sexual abuse letter into a general abuse.

    Sexual abuse in the frum community?! What?! No! That's a lie! There may be some physical abuse such as hitting, but not sexual abuse. No, no, no.
    Why take out your information? So that others can't talk to you about "something so obviously made up".

    The only thing worse than yated is VIN and the parasite commentors who reside there.
    Correction, there's also Mishpacha magazine.

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c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?