Monday, March 22, 2010

that time of year again

don't you love the holiday of pesach,
what a great time for sicko men.
but i just happen to be a survivor,
and it's that time of year again...

yup, it's that time of year again. i'm still alive, still suffering. i know i haven't been around much, and the truth is, i've been doing pretty well. suffering, but doing much better. in the last few months, i've accomplished more than i had in 12 years of therapy, and much more than i ever dreamed i was physically capable of doing. but pesach is back...

this year, i want my pesach to be different. better. so far, in my head, it's been all the same, despite the things that are already different. (he's in another country for pesach, there's no chance that i'll be bumping into him over yom tov...) the same memories...the same thoughts...same feelings...nightmares...body memories....all still there.

the hardest day of the year for me is less than a week away. this coming sunday will be exactly 11 years since the explosion. i'm dreading it...

my therapist suggested that i use that day to celebrate my strength...the strength and courage that allowed me to tell, to stick it out through all my therapists and all these years, through all the pain. i don't know how do you celebrate such a thing? everything i can think of seems so....shallow. lame. so i'm stuck...


  1. Hmm...

    When all else fails, try ice cream! :-P

    but seriously, what can you do that takes sstrength you wouldn't normally think you'd have? That's a day to DO it! You're gonna make us all proud, lil sheep!

    And in case anyone is reading this, she has been AMAZING! I am a witness to that!

  2. I could see you've changed a lot over the past year even by the way you write! And I think that's a very good sign.

  3. I'm chiming in to say that you've been doing so amazing, it's INCREDIBLE how you've pulled yourself up and out. Even on the bad days, and even though it's a long journey, you've been working so hard!
    I don't know how you can celebrate but just know you're an inspiration!

  4. i've been reading your blog from post1. i came across it only recently and took a while till i finished your full story out there. it's dunno cant find the words to explain but it made me cry and at one point i was literally shaking (hey during work...hope my co workers didnt c me teary eyed...waa, and what if they did??) ur an amazing person, dont have any ideas of celebration, but i agree w/ ME totally when nothing else works i go for ice cream...or chocolate. wtvr just wanted let you know how much i enjoy reading it. w/ every post you seem to be getting better - just like u call ur blog. i daven for ur full recovery though dont know u or your name Hashem will know who i refer to. may you always have the strength and emunah to pull thru this.


  5. How to celebrate?
    Of course, chocolate and ice cream can always work!
    Look at how far you've come!! Look at how much goodness you've brought into the world!! Look how many people you have helped...brought them on to the road of healing!!

    LS, If you would only realize how great and how special you are...

  6. I think that chocolate and ice cream can be a nice treat... but for something as great as this... it falls short as a celebration.

    In my opinion, the celebration should be something deeper and more meaningful. I would say that it should be an internal celebration and that it should be shared with non other than YOURSELF... and perhaps your dear therapist. Why don't you just pull out your journals... read through your blogs... and your emails... Cry for what was... and celebrate what is. Let the good feelings wash through you. You've worked so hard... You've come so far... Give yourself a good hug... and then if you'd like, gather some friends and let 'them' treat you to some ice cream...

    You are an amazing inspiration, LS!
    Go girl!!


    p.s. Good luck with pesach...

  7. Just for the record, ice cream is NOT shallow. NOT.



c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?