my (getting better) story

Sleepy body vs Me

2011-12-08T04:15:00.001-05:00

Sleep eludes As my body tries to prove A point That I'm not getting So it tries again And again Squeezing Harder and harder More and more often Clonopin and ambien Wont help enough When my body is pushing it Away Against my will

Walking Backward

2011-12-08T01:15:00.001-05:00

Ever feel Like you're walking backward Against your will? Like your body Your legs Just go In the direction they want Even though you know it's the wrong way? That's what's happening now. I wish my body And my mind Would be in sync With each other.

Murdered

2011-07-15T18:10:00.000-04:00

This may turn out to be against my better judgement, but I am posting it anyway. "Leiby! Leiby!" Thousands took to the streets looking for a little boy who didn't come home missing for just a few hours and already, the community mobilized to find him. And they did. Too late. Dead. Chopped up. When it's physical visible we all go looking. But what about all of us who went missing as

Rethinking

2011-05-13T17:43:00.000-04:00

When I first started writing and drawing abotu abuse, more than five years before I started this blog, I portrayed him as menacing in every incident I wrote about. Now though...I know the truth. I know that sometimes, he was sugary sweet, hugs and kisses, pleading. It left me confused. If he's so ice, it can't be bad, right? So when I told, when I admitted it was bad, when I stopped blocking...

It's been a while....

2011-04-10T02:24:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've written here, I wonder if anyone is still reading this! Things have changed so much in my life over the past few months, it's hard to believe this is me! Where to start....how to get you all up to date on where I'm up to, without revealing my identity...this is hard work! I know longer live in the Sheep household! I, Little Sheep, now live somewhere else! Me! You're

Crying

2010-12-29T02:05:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I said I wouldn't cry about this again, I am. I read another review of Hush. And another. And then some survivor responses. And so, here I am. Back to posting. I thought I was going to take a break for now, and rethink my life as a blogger. But with this book out, it's not going to happen. When will the rest of the world see? When will they realize that we are normal? That

Sorry...

2010-07-07T18:16:00.001-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around much. B"H, life has been really busy! As soon as I get back to my art/writing, I'll be back!

being home

2010-06-25T16:00:00.002-04:00

my first few days at home were AWESOME! i'm happy to be back with my therapist. the social worker coming to visit me at home seems pretty ok. and of course, i've been keeping busy with my new therapy project-writing a book! i'm glad i gave up the idea of publishing my poetry and went for an informational book about art instead, it's so much more productive!

to help with my new project...

2010-06-24T16:43:00.001-04:00

you can now follow the progress of my book on twitter!

Psych Ward Song

2010-06-24T10:24:00.002-04:00

Wake up every morningNothing new to seeThe sun just might be shiningBut it don't shine on meVital signs and many groupsMissing food and tasteless soupain't that grand, ain't that grandI lay in bed each night and start to wonder whyI cannnot just go and kiss my tears goodbyeI can keep on crying, they can keep on tryingHard to understand, understandBut still I've got a hope, that keeps me going til

June 21, hospital journal, day 11

2010-06-23T13:44:00.001-04:00

journaling about how nervous i was that they would change their minds about sending me home after i fought with the nurse for two nights in a row.expressing my joy after going to rounds and discovering that they really were sending me home on monday!

June 20, hospital journal, day 10

2010-06-23T12:59:00.003-04:00

this page was just a fun way to try out my new twistable colored pencils! (thanks kim!)acrylic paint on a separate sheet of paper, pasted into my journal. journalling of random thoughts, and today i feel.not much to say on this zentangle...i slow journalled about some of the reasons i was worried about going home. would you believe how much slow journalling has grown on me?

June 19, hospital journal, day 9

2010-06-23T11:54:00.002-04:00

on this page, i used watercolors to paint the page, then journalled my random thoughts over it, today i feel, and reasons why i'm scared to go home.this page of slow journalling was to remind me that not only is it normal to be nervous about the changes about to take place, but it's ok to be nervous, and that even though i'm nervous, i'll be ok.

June 18, hospital journal, day 8

2010-06-23T10:45:00.002-04:00

for this page, i painted squares with my watercolors, and then then journalled all over it. my journalling included: things i've gained during my stay, how i feel today, and random thoughts about my day."You'll find a rainbow, shining at the edge of every cloud...if you just keep on believing, there's a dream that's heading right your way..." (i changed the words of this quote a little bit, to

Ten Things

2010-06-23T10:39:00.002-04:00

Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors

2010-06-22T19:08:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone!You probably noticed my current obsession Art Journal". I'm finding it really helpful. I hope you are too!There's a new twist to the art journal project, and I need your help for it. My therapist gave me a major summer project: to write a book on Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors. I can't do it myself though! I need volunteers to try out the projects that I've done so

june 17, hospital journal, day 7

2010-06-22T12:26:00.003-04:00

this phrase came from my friend ER, the first time i was majorly suicidal. it's "impossible" with an apostrophe and a space.this page is a combination of journaling, today i feel, and as usual, CBT notes.

june 16, hospital journal, day 6

2010-06-22T12:11:00.003-04:00

for this page, i painted a separate sheet of paper with acrylics, and when it was dry, tore it up and pasted it randomly on the page. the top was journaling, the bottom was "today i feel""laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. i myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~kurt vonnegut"repetion is the key, sing this over and over, you'll

june 15, hospital journal

2010-06-22T11:47:00.003-04:00

this page is, like yesterday's, a combination of regular journaling, CBT notes, and how i feel today."Yet one thing gives me comfort, it's all that I have left, I know that God in heaven won't forget" ~Abie Rotenberg, MemoriesNo matter what happens, how well [or bad] i'm doing, God will not forget my pain and what I went through. What he did will not be forever forgotten"this page was just a

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part three

2010-06-22T11:38:00.002-04:00

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part two

2010-06-22T11:28:00.004-04:00

this page was really hard for me to do, but was really helpful. first, I wrote the words "my positive thoughts about men on unit" in puff paint, and waited for it to dry. then i wrote all my negative thoughts about the male staff all over the page, and painted over it, so you can hardly tell the words are there, even if you look really closely. when that was dry, i wrote all my reframes (thanks

June 14, hospital journal, day 4 part one

2010-06-22T11:24:00.003-04:00

this page consists of a few parts. a little bit of journaling, notes from my CBT class, and "today I feel" at the bottom. i painted over it in watercolors.

June 13, hospital journal, day 3

2010-06-21T18:54:00.003-04:00

words on the top one:Today I had a pretty good day. Not that it's over yet...I woke up with a headache, but taking a nap helped. ER called today, and we had a nice talk. It's been a while since I spoke to her. My parents came to visit, and they brought along some art supplies, so my journal can get exciting again. Then, I took a shower, and washed my hair, even though I didn't really want to,

June 12, hospital journal day 2

2010-06-21T18:49:00.004-04:00

sorry, no post for day one, i didn't journal that day. i was too overwhelmed.

i'm back!

2010-06-21T17:13:00.002-04:00

thanks everyone for your comments, i will reply to all of them as soon as i can. i'm feeling much better, and glad i went in, because it really helped me a lot.question: should i backdate my journal pages, or post them with the dates as the post titles?

Message From Little Sheep

2010-06-12T23:51:00.003-04:00

Hi,It's Little Sheep's friend. She asked me to tell you that she is in the hospital, but hoping to be back and better soon. I will try to keep you updated.

i'm sorry

2010-06-10T09:05:00.000-04:00

writing the words again down here, cuz you can't see them clearly in either picture i took."dear friend,I'm sorry...for turning to you...for not coming to you...for hurting you...for scaring you...for worrying you...I'm sorry for who I am, and for not working hard enough to changeI'm sorry...love,me"

depression

2010-06-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

made this on scratch off paper. whatever.

why?

2010-06-09T22:55:00.002-04:00

no, you're not supposed to be able to read the words...

slow journaling

2010-06-08T23:19:00.002-04:00

i don't think slow journaling is for me, but i might try it again...this is what came out. i'm so frustrated with myself and my process right now...

Cover Page

2010-06-03T12:49:00.000-04:00

this is the cover page for my journal! i also started painting the inside cover, but it's not done yet, so you'll have to wait and see...

Check Out My New Features!

2010-06-03T00:27:00.002-04:00

to make reading my blog easier, i made separate pages on my blog instead of some of the sidebar features. click on about me for a short summary, and on resources for a list of books and websites! more pages to come! suggestions welcome!

him (warning: may be triggering to survivors!)

2010-06-01T22:47:00.003-04:00

watercolors. i'm so sick just thinking of this, i'll probably take it down, and destroy the paper copy soon, if i have the guts to...would you believe it takes more guts for me to destroy my artwork than it does to post it here?

guess the emotion 2

2010-06-01T00:10:00.002-04:00

guess the emotion! (if you spoke to me tonight, you can guess it pretty easily. i won't post your comment with the right answer if you did, until after other people get a chance!)

letting go

2010-05-31T17:34:00.003-04:00

today i had fun playing around with my new watercolors! i just let go, and let myself do whatever my brush told me to...and this is what came out. thanks shef for encouraging me!

new art supplies!

2010-05-30T19:33:00.005-04:00

i went shopping today with shef for new art supplies! i can't wait to try them out...here's what i got:a full rainbow of poster paints, watercolors, brushes, and glass/ceramics paint3D foam stickers, for putting words on pagesmy new container, for the supplies i use the most

me

2010-05-28T16:34:00.002-04:00

i used puff paints for this page. it's not really done yet, but i decided to post it as is. i'm not sure what to do with the last square...top row: L-R: after surviving, seeing him, triggeredsecond row: L-R: with parents, around guys, art heaventhird row: <3 kids, the future, my pastbottom row: peaceful/safe/content, this week

survived

2010-05-26T13:07:00.003-04:00

i used random paints i found in my puff paint box for this page. i didn't even know i had them! i wrote the words with puff paint. it didn't come out quite the way i envisioned it, but i tried to go with instinct, and this is what came out...

Fear II

2010-05-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

this page was fun to do! the Creative Every Day theme this month is "intuition", which i used for the colored part of it. first, i took glue and squiggled it without thinking on a piece of cardboard. once it dried, i placed it under my page and using random colors, i colored over it, to give my page a textured look. i then used black puff paint to outline the different colors, and to write two

The Gifts I've Been Given

2010-05-22T23:20:00.003-04:00

i used wrapping paper, crayola crayons, and ribbon for this page! thanks itsagift for the inspiration!

Happy is the Heart That

2010-05-21T15:20:00.001-04:00

i used elmer's glue mixed with watercolors for this project. thanks to my friend rebbetzin for the prompt! (it's not really finished, but i loved the way this part came out, and decided to post it as-is)

Foot In Mouth

2010-05-20T23:00:00.001-04:00

this page was inspired by the book "Art Therapy Activities" by Pamela J. Stack. The activity is called "Foot In Mouth Faces"...

Guess The Emotion

2010-05-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

this page in my art journal was inspired by SD. (You'd be glad to know SD, that i then found your idea in my new art therapy book...) i'm not telling you what the emotion is, but i drew an emotion. your job is to guess which emotion i drew...good luck!

I am a....

2010-05-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

thanks once again to my friend "rebbetzin" for the idea! i'd like to thank the blogger who had the quote on his/her blog too, but i can't seem to find the right blog anymore, nor do i remember the blogger's name! if you know who it is, please let me know so i can fix this post...

Who Were You? Are You? WIll You Be?

2010-05-17T07:03:00.000-04:00

for this page, i used crayola erasable twistables for the background, then erased lines to write on. the text on the first two lines refers to what i was then...when i was abused, and the first ten years following. the next two lines are about what i'm like now. the fifth line refers to the future, and the last line is a quote from Rabbi Label Lam, from a speech he said at the Ohr Naava Shabbaton

Fear

2010-05-16T22:01:00.003-04:00

for this page, i used black paper and Crayola GelFX colored pencils to journal about my fears...

Oh, the Places You'll Go 2

2010-05-15T23:40:00.003-04:00

i used every type of paper i have in my house, cut into circles for this one. thanks scraps for the theme!

Oh, the Places You'll Go

2010-05-14T00:45:00.000-04:00

where do i want to go in life? what do i want to accomplish? this piece of art is a small drop in the bucket, i lost patience by writing so small. IY"H, i'll continue to add more things to it as time goes by...i'm not so happy with the way the little guy came out, but i'm not going to make myself (too) nuts over it...inspired by Dr. Suess, and Rebbetzin. (thanks!)

All About Tears

2010-05-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

this page is dedicated to tears. i wrote random thoughts on tears in blue crayola marker, and using a technique that i found on thesamesky, i made the words bleed, to look like i actually cried on the paper. i didn't do as good a job as thesamesky, (no hidden image, sorry guys!) but i did like the technique, it was fun to use!

What Is Holding You Back?

2010-05-13T01:06:00.003-04:00

this is not really finished yet, but i decided i liked the way it came out enough to post it. and also, i had to prove to myself that i COULD get over my perfectionism, so i posted it even with the splotch that's ending the unfinished word "insecurity".for this page, i used a generic brand washable (not so)-neon paint that my therapist originally bought for me to use on my toolbox. i tried

Reasons Why I Love My Body

2010-05-12T11:49:00.003-04:00

this one was really hard to do, i had a lot of help! thanks guys! ;-) the edges are a little cut off, i hope you can read them...(good luck trying!)

celebrate your strength day picture

2010-05-12T01:06:00.002-04:00

sorry it's not so clear, it's the best i could do!

my toolbox, pictures

2010-05-11T23:53:00.009-04:00

here are the pictures i promised you!(sorry, this one is a little blurry...)all were made with craft foam (one of my favorite art supplies), puff paint, and hot glue. the box is a square black one. the sides are also decorated, but i didn't bother taking pictures of them...

my tool box

2010-05-11T00:13:00.002-04:00

today in therapy, we starting building my toolbox. me being me of course, i redid the whole thing when i got home....my homework today was to add more things to my box. i'm proud to say that i added at least five things!my toolbox is intended for me to use when things get really hard. when i have flashbacks/nightmares/intrusive thoughts, and all that other PTSD stuff. as soon as my tools are dry

You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change Your Future

2010-05-09T22:41:00.003-04:00

scanning was probably not the best method for posting this, but it's the only one i have at the moment. the part that says "sparkly" is on sparkly wrapping paper, "bright" is on neon orange cardstock. the animal print is a really comfortable (on the side that shows anyway) piece of fabric, "soft" is on velour paper. "fun" is actually on three layers, neon pink paper, squares, and then clear with

my art journal cover

2010-05-09T19:36:00.003-04:00

just finished it! i'm working on a few pages now too, (the first page was "celebrate your strengths") so you should be seeing more art journal posts coming up!

Celebrate Your Strength III

2010-05-05T23:37:00.003-04:00

thanks so much to all my friends who helped me with this...you know who you are!

Do You Remember

2010-05-04T16:56:00.002-04:00

Do you rememberthe timeyou came to my roomand I wasn'texpecting you?Do you rememberhow I screamedand threw thingsat you?Do you rememberthe timeI said Inever wantedto see youagain?Do you rememberhow I cameand knocked on your doorsending hate messageswith your brother?Do you rememberall my angerback then?Do you rememberthe stories I'd tell,when playing legohouse, or schoolthose things i wantto

trapped

2010-05-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling trapped within my bodytrapped within my mindspiders crawling over merelief i cannot findi wish i knew what i could doto calm the storms insidewhen all my instincts tell methat i should run and hideand so i try with all my mightto use the skills i've learnedgrounding, relaxation,and praying til i'm heardthe hours pass, although they're longslowly, my strength returnshonest

Just Once

2010-04-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think...Just once,I'd like to bea part of things.You don'tmean to hurt mewhen I'm not...You're justtalking aboutnormal stuffGetting usedto married life,its ups and downsSetting upan apartment, ifit's furnished or notYour wigshair up or downitchy, comfy, or off.Dating, marriagechild rearing andother thingsThat forme, are faroff dreams...Then I remember....To you,I'm normal,just like

celebrate your strength II

2010-04-07T22:50:00.002-04:00

i got back my celebration painting!!! i'm really excited by the way it came out, although i could have done it better...i intended to post a picture of it, but i can't seem to get it to come out right in a photo. i'm going to have to try and scan it later in the week, and see if it comes out better that way.

celebrate your strength

2010-03-28T20:41:00.004-04:00

today was celebrate your strength day! i decided to use the day to help my pesach start off on the right foot, so to celebrate my 11th abuse free year, and my first ever CYS day, i went out for ice cream with shef. then, i took my sisters out to a pottery painting studio, where i made myself a tile with the words "celebrate your strength", that's going to be framed with a cork message board above

that time of year again

2010-03-22T23:45:00.002-04:00

don't you love the holiday of pesach,what a great time for sicko men.but i just happen to be a survivor,and it's that time of year again...yup, it's that time of year again. i'm still alive, still suffering. i know i haven't been around much, and the truth is, i've been doing pretty well. suffering, but doing much better. in the last few months, i've accomplished more than i had in 12 years of

positive post 32

2010-02-14T18:23:00.002-05:00

this week i....~went to a whole bunch of shiurim~worked every work day~ate 2-3 meals most days~spoke to four rabbis without freaking out~went for therapy once~remembered my meds and omega 3s most days~went away for shabbos~showered three days in a row~got a small massage without freaking out~visited 2 friends, spent shabbos with a whole bunch ;-)

positive post 31

2010-02-07T19:28:00.003-05:00

this week i...~ate breakfast every day~worked almost every day~went to a family simcha~helped my sister in law~visited two friends~took omega 3 most days~went to the psychiatrist

positive post 30

2010-01-31T19:19:00.002-05:00

this week i...~visited with three friends~helped a friend~helped my sister~said shema every night~started taking omega 3 pills-and remembered them every day~cooked for shabbos~did laundry for my family~visited with my sisters in law and my cousins~ate at least two meals most days~spent time with my siblingshave a great week everyone!

poem

2010-01-24T23:14:00.002-05:00

from my friend, who goes by the name "been there"Was fearless And careless As he got a hold of my trustSo youthful And truthful But gone with his thrust I keep going Not knowingSomething precious was lost Now recreating And evaluatingCan’t even fathom the cost Memories uncontrolledHorrors yet untold Keep bubbling to the top All that mattersIs left in shatters stop STOP STOP! There is no

positive post 29

2010-01-24T17:15:00.003-05:00

haven't done one of these in a while. i'm going to do this past week, as best as i can from memory...after that, i'll hopefully start getting better about writing things down.~went to a family simcha~went to therapy twice~made my therapist proud (that deserves its own post, but...)~spent shabbos with *me*~went for ice cream with *me* and shef~showered at *me*'s house :-)~worked three days~said

2010-01-18T17:50:00.002-05:00

under my coverscurled in a ballprotected bymind built wallsstill my skinpricklesfeel histicklesteddy and icontinue to hidewishing awaythe pain

scrubbing it off

2010-01-18T12:11:00.002-05:00

dirtfilthgrimescrubbingit offtakes timedaysweeksyearspatienceworktears

Last One

2010-01-17T22:57:00.005-05:00

it's hard beingthe Last One left.first BGthen EGthen LEthen CKthen CMthen shefthen AS...only LSis left...all the cousinsall the relativesmy own agemarriedhappybut notme

psychiatrist today

2010-01-10T18:29:00.003-05:00

omega threecan help mefor exercisemake the timethe thing to docut pills in two

therapy journal 25

2009-12-18T11:55:00.003-05:00

therapy is not going so well. i've gone back to my old defense mechanisms, so we're moving back up to twice a week. DBT is on hold for now, we're not sure what we're doing about it.had a pretty ok week. of course, that could be cuz i'm avoiding my feelings, and since i don't know what i'm feeling, i'm just assuming it was ok.

therapy journal 24

2009-12-13T23:02:00.003-05:00

shabbos was really nice. had A over, and went to visit EG. plus, went to visit my bros and their wives and kids.had a family chanuka party after shabbos, and for various reasons, jack wasn't even invited! i was able to really enjoy myself :-)went to visit *me* today, had a nice time with her. was a stressful day though.now i'm busy debating DBT...i really don't want to do it. maybe i'll be lucky

therapy journal 23

2009-12-10T23:22:00.002-05:00

had an ok day today. the heat in our house is broken though, so my evening wasn't as great as it could be. my sister is home for chanukah vacation. i'm having one of my friends from the hospital for shabbos, so for once my room is actually clean. probably won't post again before shabbos.

therapy journal 22

2009-12-08T22:55:00.002-05:00

had an ok day today.therapy yesterday was really hard. she wants me to start in a DBT program, and i'm really nervous to do it.

therapy journal 21

2009-12-06T23:34:00.001-05:00

had a very lazy day today. didn't accomplish anything, forgot all about my therapy homework. i feel like such a pathetic loser right now...

therapy journal 20

2009-12-06T00:38:00.001-05:00

shabbos was ok this week. but i ruined it for myself tonight, by triggering myself on purpose. what's wrong with me???

therapy journal 19

2009-12-04T15:46:00.004-05:00

had an ok day today. a bit overwhelmed by life though.only did my therapy homework once today, and i can't do it over shabbos. makes me so mad at myself...

therapy journal 18

2009-12-03T22:26:00.003-05:00

i haven't been entering in this journal most of this week, cuz it's not officially my homework anymore. my homework this week is to write down how i'm feeling and why at specific times during the day, which is a lot harder than it seems. so far, i wrote it down three times this whole week, which is an embarrassment.why is it so hard to notice how i'm feeling?anyway, besides that...therapy is

therapy journal 17

2009-11-29T22:54:00.001-05:00

had a really bad day today, my own fault, cuz i was a lazy bum. i was ok the whole day though, stayed a five. good night world!

therapy journal 16

2009-11-29T00:20:00.001-05:00

had a really nice shabbos. woke up a five or so, and stayed that way til seuda shelishis. then, i got triggered, but managed to stay grounded and calm, and still enjoy myself. now i'm a six, (my own fault that i went up again) but working on staying there. not sure that i can get myself lower on my own...help?

therapy journal 15

2009-11-27T15:49:00.001-05:00

today was a really good day. stayed a five all day.

therapy journal 14

2009-11-26T22:26:00.002-05:00

the wedding went ok last night. just got home very late, so i overslept (again!) this morning. had therapy today, i guess it went ok. woke up a five, went up to a six in the middle of the day, and now i'm not sure what i am.

therapy journal 13

2009-11-24T23:15:00.004-05:00

woke up late again, temp was a 5. 5 now too. had a boring day at work, but spent some time with E on the way home. went over to L tonight, had a really nice time. tomorrow is the wedding-i get to see T#6! i'm so excited! (note rolling eyes) heading to bed now

therapy journal 12

2009-11-23T23:46:00.001-05:00

had a really good day today. stayed a five all day. went to work, then went out to eat with c and tb and my mom.

therapy journal 11

2009-11-22T22:19:00.003-05:00

been a five all day :-) didn't do much with myself, just a little shopping, but it was a good day in general. not in the mood for work tomorrow though. i'm surprised at my good temp, cuz had a really hard night last night. heard that therapist #6 is gonna be at a wedding at the same time as me later this week, and i'm really nervous, even though she's legally not allowed to let on that she knows

therapy journal 10

2009-11-20T13:31:00.004-05:00

woke up a six again. overtired, didn't sleep well at all, so i overslept again this morning. haven't slept well in a few nights. work wasn't too bad, but i still wish i didn't have to go. going to shef for shabbos, so not ready. can't think of what i need to take along!! now i'm a five, so at least i'm doing better than i was. will post more after shabbos i guess.

therapy journal 9

2009-11-19T23:17:00.002-05:00

woke up a six today. basically stayed that way all day. now i'm a seven, not sure why. been shaking since i got out of the shower. had g over in the morning, then went to work.

therapy journal 8

2009-11-18T23:08:00.002-05:00

woke up late again this morning. was a six when i woke up. last night was really hard, i fell backwards in my sleeping habits. went to work, boring as usual. really didn't want to go at all. went out shopping with shef and a. and then played boggle. a says i look awful. well, not in those words, but when i said my eyes are starting to look glazed and dead again, she did agree. heading to bed,

therapy journal 7

2009-11-17T22:03:00.002-05:00

overslept again today. woke up at around a five, which was pretty ok. work was boring, as usual. then went for therapy. it's getting harder and harder. right now i'm a six, not too bad. feel myself going up though. everything feels like a pressure now. just thinking about going to work tomorrow is making me wanna cry. thinking about doing anything right now makes me wanna cry. we have company

little girl

2009-11-17T18:10:00.002-05:00

my little girl is cryingit's so hard for her"don't you know the dangerin this?" she asks...my little girl is shakingit's so hard for her"don't you know youshouldn't talk?" she asks...my throat closes upsqueezes shuttighter! tighter!as my little girl triesto clamp it shut...

therapy journal 6

2009-11-16T23:02:00.002-05:00

woke up very late today. was a five in the morning. had a boring day at work-i like my job less every day, even though i'm very busy there now. now i'm a six. not sure why. i wish i knew :-(

therapy journal 5

2009-11-15T21:28:00.002-05:00

not sure what i was earlier today. now i'm really nervous, probably at a six or so. i need to ground myself, but need to shower first. feel him touching me. went to the psychiatrist today, we changed my meds. again. but it went ok. got new glasses after.

therapy journal 4

2009-11-14T23:16:00.003-05:00

had a really nice shabbos with *me* and shef. l came over in the afternoon, had a nice time. woke up around a four/five, which is pretty good, now i'm closer to a six/seven, not sure why. went out for ice cream after shabbos, now i really need the treadmill. really nervous to go to the doctor tomorrow, maybe that's why my temp went up? need to make some changes in my meds, not sure how i feel

therapy journal 3

2009-11-13T13:38:00.003-05:00

had a pretty good morning. i overslept-why am i so tired these days?-but i managed to help around the house before i left for work. now i'm home, and should be working. this morning, i think i was a four, now i'm a five. will write more later.

therapy journal 2

2009-11-12T20:38:00.003-05:00

today i was a steady four almost the whole day. which is a pure miracle, cuz i didn't do anything different today than yesterday or the day before, until i got home. i've been playing music steadily ever since i got home. work was boring, as usual. nothing else to say

therapy journal

2009-11-11T20:17:00.002-05:00

i'm supposed to journal every night this week. i have nothing to say. the guests left. but my sister still has stuff in my room. right now i'm at a six. still want to hurt myself, but trying really hard not to. been thinking about the hospital a lot. i don't want to go in, especially with my cousin's wedding getting closer. working on staying out...must work more on my grounding. i discovered a

falling

2009-11-08T16:52:00.003-05:00

FALLING, FALlinglower, lowermust get up,must be strongeri can't do thison my own...*internet friendsare not what i needmy real life friendsare great indeedbut they can't doenough for me

narrative

2009-11-02T10:45:00.004-05:00

working on my narrative now in therapy. it's hard work. a lot of talking about things i'd rather not think about. therapist transcribing every word i say-literally. i'm itching to write a poem...about anything, but especially about this experience, but it's just not working. i have major writer's block going on here.so just letting you all know that i'm ok, really.