Sunday, May 14, 2017

Invisible

Invisible
Unseen
To the world

Invisible
Funds
Don't help

Invisible
Because
You can't see how sick I am.

My illness is real.
Just Invisible.

Cancer ravages the body,
So cancer gets funds.
Anorexia can be seen,
So anorexia gets cash.
Addiction, Infertility,
The Shidduch Crisis.
Schools. The Arts.
Technology.

DID is Invisible.

My therapist isn't, though.
Invisible money
won't pay my therapist
or her rent
or for her supplies
student loans
time
patience
energy.

Invisible money
won't pay my therapist
for her emails
because something occurred to her
and she wanted to be sure that I was okay.
For her caring
her overtime
her note taking
letter writing
advocating.

Invisible money
won't get me to the
Invisible destination
I hope to reach.

https://GoFundMe.Com/DIDTherapyFund

Sunday, April 16, 2017

No Tantrum

I didn't tantrum
Or complain when
My Purim seuda with my family
Was taken away
In favor of everyone else
Travelling to join his.

And I didn't tantrum
Or complain when
My Shabbos Chol Hamoed with my family
Was taken away
In favor of him
Joining everyone else here
Because of a shalom zachor
He didn't want to miss
So I missed it instead
Because he tantrumed.

And now I will sit here
In silence and cry
And not tantrum
Or complain out loud when
He decides he needs to come
And take away
My last Pesach meal of freedom.

I tell myself it's not worth it to say anything
Because I know it is a waste of
My energy and my breath.

But inside I'm falling apart
And don't think this will end well.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Old Friends

Today, I got to thinking
About Old Friends.

You know,
The Old Friends You kind of forget about.
The ones who were there for you at the important times
That you didn't know were important.

So, this is to you...
The Old Friend
Who taught me science
So I could retake the test I handed in blank
Because I had no memory of anything the teacher said in class.

The Old Friends
Who took me under their wings
When they were really busy with their teenage lives,
And I a little kid
Invaded their bungalow
Didn't shower
And hid in closets.

The Old Friends
Who accepted the things I told them
Wise beyond their years
Didn't freak out
When I spoke of sexual abuse
When we were only 13.

The Old Friends
Who studied out loud on the phone
When it would have taken them half the time
To study on their own
But did it anyway
So I didn't leave school
Feeling like a complete failure.

The Old Friends
Who came back
Time and again
Even though I pushed them away
Ignored them for years
But were there anyway in my times of need.

The Old Friends
Who went with me to
Therapists
Psychiatrists
And other more uncomfortable doctors appointments.

The Old Friends
Who saved my life
By coming over in the middle of the night
Dragging me away from
My Weapons of Self Destruction
And not giving me any choice
But to Live and Fight on.

Thank you, Old Friends.
Some of you will see this.
It will show up in your inbox.
Some of you, I don't even know how to contact anymore.
But whether you see this or not
Whether you recognize yourself
In my words
Or don't even realize you know me,
I thank you.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Dear Old Therapist

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize that when you denied
The times I worked, the times I tried
You made me feel that I'm just bad
That true healing just can't be had?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize how you missed the signs
Of a disorder you didn't treat
So the more I came to visit you
The more I felt defeat?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Am I the only one of us
who lies awake in bed?
Do you realize that each week I'd come
And be well filled with dread?

Dear old therapist,
I wanted to do well,
But you refused to see how much I grew,
And focused on how I fell

Dear old therapist,
If you don't recognize yourself,
You need to wonder if you're perfect,
Or denials' on your shelf.

Dear old therapist,
I SHOULD haunt your dreams at night!
You SHOULD think of the pain you caused,
And do something, you might--

                ---take a class to learn about the signs you may  have missed
                ---pick up a phone, call, and apologize for work  you just dismissed

Because you know, I'm not lazy,
I'm not a liar,
and I don't just make things up.
You treated me but carefully walked
Passed the cage where I was
locked.