It's been a while....

It's been a while since I've written here, I wonder if anyone is still reading this!

Things have changed so much in my life over the past few months, it's hard to believe this is me! Where to start....how to get you all up to date on where I'm up to, without revealing my identity...this is hard work!

I know longer live in the Sheep household! I, Little Sheep, now live somewhere else! Me! You're reading right! No more Sheep parents and siblings on a daily basis, only when I fit them into my schedule. Not that I don't love them and all, but it's definitely a new stage in my life!

I'm finishing TF-CBT! This week is my final session with my therapist. We're saying goodbye! And wait til I post pictures of my goodbye present to her...I can't wait til I finish it!

Although it wasn't my original plan, I am continuing therapy over the next few months. I'm starting with a totally new type of therapy though-art and sandtray therapy! This is going to be a whole new experience for me!

Look out for backdated posts over the next few weeks, as I catch you up on (some of) my 2011 art journal!

Who Were You? Are You? WIll You Be?

for this page, i used crayola erasable twistables for the background, then erased lines to write on. the text on the first two lines refers to what i was then...when i was abused, and the first ten years following. the next two lines are about what i'm like now. the fifth line refers to the future, and the last line is a quote from Rabbi Label Lam, from a speech he said at the Ohr Naava Shabbaton...i believe last year.

Oh, the Places You'll Go 2

i used every type of paper i have in my house, cut into circles for this one. thanks scraps for the theme!

great news!

i don't have to go back to the psychiatrist for two months!!

:-)

because, despite

because
of the urges that i've had
in the past, i've hurt myself

despite
the urges that i've had
i have grown to take care of myself

because
of the abuse that i endured
i have always hated myself

despite
the abuse that i endured
i will grow to love myself

despite
the love that God shows me
i have pushed Him away in the past

because
of the love that God shows me
i am growing despite my past

still...one day

i try
and yet i
don't know why

still
i will
upon myself ill.

still want to hurt
still want the pain
still refuse to see
that i've gained.

one day...
one day...
i'll get there, you'll see.
one day...
one day...
i'll be proud of me.

the pain

the pain
will go
away
someday
at least
that is
what they say.

i will
appreciate
the pain
when i'm
old
at least
that is
what i'm told.

one day
i'll see the
hope in
the pain
of these words
at least
that is
what i've heard.

goals VI

this week i will...

~spend at least two hours every morning out of the house

~have two therapy sessions

~remember my meds

~say modeh ani every day

~eat at least two meals every day

~put a positive post up on friday

~keep up the no SI and no picking, and continue to break all previous records

may 10-poem

"i'm a dirty, horrible girl," said she
sounding exactly like...me
i must try to stop labeling myself
it doesn't do anything to help.

letter

i'm going to go off topic for a minute here. my friend, who goes by the name "getting stronger," wrote this letter to the yated. it didn't get in this week, but there's still hope for next time! i'm posting it because she makes a lot of very good points. happy reading!

Hello everyone. This is a letter that I wrote to the Yated last week, but they did not publish it. Reading LS's article to the Yated inspired me to write this. Abuse is rampant in the Jewish community. How can I say that it's rampant? Well, I am a survivor of abuse, and including myself, I know of five people who were abused within a two-block radius. That is five people too many. Dov Hikind has gotten hundreds of calls already from abuse survivors. This means there are probably thousands of Orthodox Jewish people who were or still are being abused. The abuse that I suffered could have been entirely prevented if I had been educated about this topic at a young age; but, no school says anything. I went through the Bais Yaakov system and not one teacher discussed this topic. If I had been told the basics, nothing detailed, then my abuse wouldn't have started in the first place. As a result of not knowing about this topic, I suffered in silence for four terrible years. I am now traumatized for life. I get triggered every single day. Even just walking out of my house brings horrific memories to my mind. I now suffer every day from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Schools need to tell their students about this topic. Without knowledge, the chain just continues. Just shoving the topic under the rug does not make it disappear. Is the Jewish community afraid that something terrible will happen if they educate their children? I asked my therapist why she doesn't go to schools to teach children on a basic level about the topic of abuse. Her reply was, "Schools forbid me from coming." Atrocities are being committed because Jewish children are not being educated on the topic of abuse. "Trying to forget a fear is like trying to hold an inflated basketball under the water. It takes all of your strength and attention, and in time it must pop to the surface." - Finley Making believe that abuse doesn't occur in the Jewish community makes the entire situation one hundred times worse. It rears its ugly head in other ways. For me, my body is covered in scars since that was the only way I knew how to deal with so much inner pain. The chain can be broken if our Jewish children are educated. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a thousand pounds of cure. Some people may say, OK, let's only tell the girls since it occurs only among young girls. This is a falsehood. From the five people I know who were abused on two blocks, two of them are boys. Education is the only road to prevention. Without education, the chain just continues. Do something about the situation. Stop the chain. Today. - Concerned About the Future of Klal Yisrael

albany lobby day report

ok...let's see if i can get my crazy day down here... i got up at five fifteen this morning. i seriously have no clue HOW my father does that every day. it's not natural! it's crazy! anyway, buy ten to six i was at the bus stop waiting for my friend. we walked to the train together, and shlepped all the way into the city to meet up with the rest of the group. on the bus, i met "mr. therapist guy" for the first time. it was pretty obvious that my friend and i were "little sheep & co" cuz we were the only single girl pair on the entire bus. in general, the talk around me was very triggering. when going to an event like this, be prepared to hear about abuse the entire time. and i mean the ENTIRE time. even on the bus. in albany, we went into the legislative building for the press conference. it was really cool to see how diverse the crowd was. there were all different types of people there. men and women. young adults and grandparents. the range of jewish people ran from OTD to veise zoken. seriously. knitted kippot, big black yarmulkas. suit pants and torn jeans. clean shaven and long white beards. jews and christians. blacks and whites. every different type was represented. there was a lot of talk and such. after the conference, we split into groups to go to different offices. my friend and i were in a group with a man and woman from long island, from an organization called "voice of the faithful", (they're catholic.) a couple from albany whose son was abused, i believe by a priest, but didn't say anything til thirty years later; and our group leader, a man from long island who was abused as a kid. we got the cold shoulder in some offices, but some were really nice. anyone who lives in syracuse (if you do, or know someone who does, please pass on this info) the assemblywoman there said that the people in her area are asking her to support the weaker lopez bill, so make the voice of survivors known by calling her and saying otherwise. the markey bill can do so much more for victims, both past and future, than the lopez bill does. after that, we went across to the capital for something or another, but my friend and i forgot out stuff in the legislative building, so we missed whatever it was. the trip back was more endless talk. i don't mean to be rude to any of you who were there, but seriously, at some point we really need to SHUT UP!! we were all on the same side. none of us needed to be convinced. i couldn't believe how long some of them could stay on this topic without getting too triggered or mad and whatever. i'm glad i went. it was really hard to keep saying over and over again that i was abused, and the statute is going to run out before i have time to do anything, but it was REALLY worth it. i think i gained from the experience. if you want to know anything in specific....feel free to ask!

exposed

trust betrayed
i've been exposed
broken
boundaries crossed
spirits crushed from
words spoken


i'm not sure how much longer i can keep my blog up.

to all my friends, please take up where i'm leaving off!

oh therapy!

oh therapy, oh therapy
once every week,
get it all out,
try to just speak.
talk to a stranger bout future and past
try to explain why you're always upset

and while, you're speaking,
she takes notes so carefully...
scribbling down
every sound, every frown,
while you talk on so miserably,
scribbling down
every sound, every frown,
and hope that you leave happily!

guess the tune! winner gets a cyber-high five, where we imagine slapping five and missing!

slide show at the top

recently, the slide show on the top of my blog has been freaking me out a bit. i mean, i wrote it to be spooky. because i know it's true. but the last few weeks, it's really been hitting home. especially since i started my survivors forums, and i've been meeting new people through it.

from when i started my blog, i've been getting these little shocks. my first commenter (this comment was not published) was someone i knew in real life. i knew right away it was her, because i knew her blogger name, but she didn't know she was talking to me. she was abused.

then i started my survivor group blog, and another blogger emailed me. this one i didn't know in real life, just through blogging, but again...suddenly, this person whose blog i was reading suddenly turned out to be...you guessed it, another frum girl who was abused.

in the last week (!!) i have suddenly been hit with this information twice. once a friend's friend, who i've been meeting up with in other places for the past two years, and just after yom tov, someone from my shul. neither one knew they were talking to me, until i told them my real name. it's an uncomfortable situation to be in. on the one hand, i'd like to remain little sheep to most of you. on the other hand, if you accidentally give me your identity (and i beg of you, if you don't want this to be you, make sure the email address you use doesn't have your name on it!) and it turns out that i know you, it's not so nice for me to pretend you're a total stranger!

i could be your friend, cousin, neighbor, or sister. maybe i sat next to you in school, or slept in the room next door in seminary. i might be your mother, your aunt, your teacher, or your student...

and only now am i realizing just how true these statements are.

onword ho!

this little sheep is scheduled to start with therapist number 10 this sunday. holy !@#$