Elephant (unknown date, 2019)

I know I'm just a kid, and kids should be quiet and listen nicely but I really want to introduce my family to Elephant. But every time I try, they just laugh. They look right past her and don't even see that she's there.

I tried showing her to my teacher, but the teacher said it wasn't sharing time, and told me to get my silent reading if I was done my math.

The other kids all move over when Elephant is near, cause she takes up so much space. They don't play with me cause they say I'm smelly, but it's not me! Elephant just won't take baths! 

The counselor at school doesn't see Elephant when I show her either. She wants to hear what me and Elephant talk about. But then she says she had to call my mom, and do I let, and I'm just a kid, and kids don't say no to grownups, so I say yes.

Mommy says I have to go to a special doctor. The doctor wants to know all about Elephant, but he can't see her either. He says there's a medicine I have to take and I do. Every day, even in camp.

I don't know where Elephant went. I can't find her, and it makes me sad. Why did she leave? I miss her. 

Designed to Dehumanize (2/19/2019)

Take off your shoes

your socks, your clothes

Give us your phone,

your watch 

    there's no need for you to track day or time

Here's a narrow bed

In a hall, brightly lit

Stay there.

Stay.

     there's no need for you to have privacy or control

No, your friend can't stay

sit alone

no advocate

no one to hold your hand

    there's no right to have a voice

"insane"

"crazy"

laughter at

the grown man crying

    there's no right to dignity

Whatever the signs, the papers say

The psych ER

is Designed to Dehumanize

Garden (5/14/2019)

 I stand at the entrance of the garden with my eyes closed, I want to savor every minute of the experience, for tomorrow, I will be in another time and space, and these moments in this garden will be gone for good. I removed my socks and shoes before entering, so my entire being could feel the essence of this wonderful place.

I step carefully onto the warm stone path. I can feel the sun shining on my face, but the stone is still cool from last night's rain. The stones are smooth, and I sit down carefully. Sliding cautiously to my right, my arm bumps gently into the low stone barrier that keeps the overflow contained. I reach out carefully, touching the ridged leaves and feeling their shape, caressing the soft flower petals, and noticing the prickly grass below.

I can no longer contain myself. I MUST open my eyes. I stand and slowly turn, so I can see the whole garden. There is a brilliant array of color, and the dazzling sunshine hurts my eyes for just a short moment. I don't have enough plant knowledge to name the flowers around me, but I am in awe of the variety and how magnificent they all are-whites and pinks, reds and yellows...in the distance, I can see a hint of purple, to my left, fuchsia. And the greens! So many shades and hues, I can hardly take them all in.

I walk a little further in, and kneel to smell the flowers. Some smell a little bitter, but most have the sweetest aromas. I close my eyes again to regain focus. There is a songbird hidden somewhere nearby, I hear its song, light and sweet. I feel the breeze, and hear the leaves rustling.

I look for some honeysuckle, hoping to taste its sweetness. I can't find any. It's time to leave, and I am slightly saddened, but my heart is full.

We (4/30/2019)

We sit, side by side

Older, younger

Bigger, smaller

Who is who?

Who am I, are we?

We create, side by side

adding, removing

placing, moving

pieces and parts

of personality.

I am she,

She is me,

Together-we.

Choices (4/23/2019)

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~Albus Dumbledore

I choose

    to be kind

    to be loving

    to be giving

I choose

    to try

    to reach

    to test my limits

I choose

    to heal

    to grow

    to achieve

I am my choices,

    not my abilities

See Me (undated, 2012)

 Do you see me
Do you hear
Can I be real
Or do I disappear
Am I anywhere
Or nowhere
Someone
Or no one
Words
flying through my head
too fast
for paper
Can you see me
Can you
Can you
Can you
Am I here
Am I real
Who am I anyway
Who am I

Trapped (Undated, 2012)

Trapped. Locked inside a single room.

One door out, and it's forbidden

Want to connect to those outside

Information being hidden.

Stuck with no communication

Flooding myself with emotions.

Want to figure out what's doing,

Inside my head, spinning, zooming.

Pain intense no nurse to help

Visitors may be banned from here for today only it's true

But I have no other day for

Visitors to come through,

What's the use in all this trying

When codes send even trained staff flying

Not telling where or what or why

Just keeping me here trapped inside

Switch my seat across the room

draw out my volcano boom

Write my feelings in a poem

scribble it over I'm still alone

Locked an trapped just let me go

Let someone come who really knows

Me. The outside me and the inside me as well. Please...

HL (2/17/2020)

 H. L.

a name

running through

my head

a pitter patter

whispering

filling the silence.

I don't know

an H. L.

she's not a

former schoolmate

Chazkeinu sister

student from my past

relative or

long lost friend.

Who are you,

H. L.?

How did your

name

end up

slipping into

the deep corners

and recesses of

my brain?

Being (2/17/2020)

Being here

In this place

In this time

In this body

Existing

With myself

With my parts

With others

Living

As me

As we

As a healthy person

Is just so hard.

Horse (5/28/2019)

 I lean on her

She leans on me

We talk, whisper, discuss.

She nods, listening

I nod, listening back.

I am her horse,

She is mine-

Both human,

Both horse--

        My friend.

DID 11/22/2012

 DID

What's wrong with

Me

Lots and lots

Of

Parts and stuff

Singing

Inside my head

I

Can't ever hear what's

Said

Anger, sadness, hurt and

Pain

Split in parts inside my

Brain

Life's more fun but

Also

A doozie-when T takes over, I feel

Snoozie

Little Ones, Big Ones, In

Betweens

To me this is what

DID

means.

Healing Journey 4/24/2012

 The deep tunned is seeped in darkness. Only as wide as my shoulders, tall as my back as I crawl on my hands and knees. Each slow, painful movement brings another stone crashing down behind me, leaving no option of turning back. Wherever this tunnel leads, the only way out is through it. The end is so far, not even a glimmer of light passes through as I navigate this difficult turn. I try to reach up, to dig through the top, but the solid stone doesn't give, and I cannot see. And so I continue to drag, palms bloody, knees bruised, and back scraped, completely at the mercy of He who carefully and steadily fills the space behind my aching body with stone, as tightly fit as a perfect tetris line, without the benefit of disappearing. The slight movement of air tells me there must be an opening somewhere, yet with every push forward, it seems further away. I'm not sure I will make it to the end...yet the crashing stones push me ever forward.

Psych Ward Song

Wake up every morning
Nothing new to see
The sun just might be shining
But it don't shine on me
Vital signs and many groups
Missing food and tasteless soup
ain't that grand, ain't that grand

I lay in bed each night and start to wonder why
I cannnot just go and kiss my tears goodbye
I can keep on crying, they can keep on trying
Hard to understand, understand

But still I've got a hope, that keeps me going til tomorrow
Though I don't know where it's coming from
I know that soon my day will come
I will go home, be on my own
But still I've got a fear, that I am getting no where
Hey you out there just tell me please
When will my heart just be at peace
So I can feel that hope is really there

Cause you're in frozen time and stuck inside in the psych ward
Needing exercise and sleep and meds in the crazy psych ward
We've got to stand up and unite
But shut up and stop the fights

Cause life just ain't that normal when you're stuck on the inside....
Stuck on the inside!

June 21, hospital journal, day 11

journaling about how nervous i was that they would change their minds about sending me home after i fought with the nurse for two nights in a row.
expressing my joy after going to rounds and discovering that they really were sending me home on monday!

June 20, hospital journal, day 10

this page was just a fun way to try out my new twistable colored pencils! (thanks kim!)
acrylic paint on a separate sheet of paper, pasted into my journal. journalling of random thoughts, and today i feel.
not much to say on this zentangle...
i slow journalled about some of the reasons i was worried about going home. would you believe how much slow journalling has grown on me?

June 19, hospital journal, day 9

on this page, i used watercolors to paint the page, then journalled my random thoughts over it, today i feel, and reasons why i'm scared to go home.
this page of slow journalling was to remind me that not only is it normal to be nervous about the changes about to take place, but it's ok to be nervous, and that even though i'm nervous, i'll be ok.

June 18, hospital journal, day 8

for this page, i painted squares with my watercolors, and then then journalled all over it. my journalling included: things i've gained during my stay, how i feel today, and random thoughts about my day.
"You'll find a rainbow, shining at the edge of every cloud...if you just keep on believing, there's a dream that's heading right your way..." (i changed the words of this quote a little bit, to make it fit what i was feeling)

first, i painted a rainbow on a separate sheet of paper. when it was dry, i got permission to use a scissor at the nurses station to cut it up, and then i pasted it randomly over the page, and wrote on it.

Ten Things

june 17, hospital journal, day 7

this phrase came from my friend ER, the first time i was majorly suicidal. it's "impossible" with an apostrophe and a space.
this page is a combination of journaling, today i feel, and as usual, CBT notes.

june 16, hospital journal, day 6

for this page, i painted a separate sheet of paper with acrylics, and when it was dry, tore it up and pasted it randomly on the page. the top was journaling, the bottom was "today i feel"
"laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. i myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~kurt vonnegut
"repetion is the key, sing this over and over, you'll feel it finally" ~london girls chior

for this page, i wrote the following affirmations over and over, so i'd start to feel them. then i painted it over with fluorescent watercolors.

"If you think nobody cares, think again."
"I am a good person"
"I'm getting better and better every day, with the help of Yud-Hey-Vav-Hey"
"Hashem gives me everything I need"
"I have potential to get even better"
"I help people"
"People like me"
"Bishvili nivra ha'olam" (the world was created for me)
"Hashem believes in me"
"I have a loving family and friends"
"I've learned that if I try then yes I can"