Debt

Being in debt

Owing my therapist thousands

Literally thousands

Is so difficult

I think twice about everything

Should I take the bus

Or walk?

Can I buy a new winter coat

Or should I wear the one that's too small?

Is it okay to buy a pack of super cool markers

Or is treating myself wrong

When I owe so much?

I try to contact organizations to help.

I choke on my words as I leave a message

And then don't even hear back.

I get emails back from people that they're "working on it"

But how do I know if I should shoot off a reminder or just wait it out?

To donate to my therapy fund:

http://www.gofundme.com/DIDTherapyFund

Or

Keren Zichron Gedalyahu 

C/O Rabbi Keller

565 East 8th Street

Brooklyn, NY 11218

Waiting

I am lifeless

I am drained

I have no thoughts

But

Those pulling me away

CYS Day 2014

For those who are newer to my blog, CYS stands for Celebrate Your Strength, and today, the day before bedikas chometz is the day I do my celebrating. Seventeen years ago today, I broke out of the abuse. I told.

I try to make the day special, ever since my last therapist came up with the idea a bunch of years ago. I've gotten together with friends, painted pottery...done a lot of really nice things.

This year I'm not feeling it, I'm crying, and I can't think of a single thing to do. Ideas welcome!

Dear World

Dear World,

I am a liar, I hope you'll forgive me though.

Dear World,

I cannot help it, I'm afraid of you, you know.

Dear World,

If I would stop the hiding, let you in my head,

Dear World, would you be see me as a burden or a friend?

Dear World,

If I would tell you, that you work with me each day,

Dear World,

You sat with me in class, in camp we'd always play.

Dear World,

I am your neighbor, your relative, your friend,

I lie to you each day, but now I make amends.

You see, I need your help; hiding won't do it any longer,

And maybe, oh just maybe, telling will make me stronger.

So here I am to tell you, I don't request funds for "a friend",

If you donate to my DID fund, you're helping me, in the end.

Dear World,

Now that I've told you, I give permission; go ahead,

If you can't handle my truth, you can hit "unfriend".

You can stop following me, block me, delete my number,

Just before you do it, I ask for one small favor.

Tell me that you're doing it, that you find my life too hard,

If you are honest about it, I'll forgive with all my heart.

If you just disappear, or simply pretend to be a friend,

I'll find out eventually, and it'll hurt more in the end.

With my heart and soul exposed,

Mamela

Www.sheffele.blogspot.com

Www.gofundme.com/DIDTherapyFund

Davening

I ran into a former teacher of mine last week. I haven't seen her in over ten years. We got to talking, she and I. As always, I hid behind my mask. My mask of being the Bais Yaakov girl she thinks I am.

She mentioned how she remembers my davening. I remember it, too. And it made me so angry.

She SAW! She SAW the pain I was in, all those years ago. She SAW how I cried.

I remember her asking once, what was wrong. I didn't answer her. And she accepted my silence. She didn't probe. She didn't tell me that no matter what, I can come to her.

She chose to take the easy way out. She chose to assume...what? I don't know what she assumed. Maybe she thought I had a sick relative?

She watched me daven, and cry. Five days a week, for an entire school year. And then I moved on, to another grade, another teacher. I wasn't her problem anymore.

And I continued crying. Silently.

Response to Mishpacha article "King of Hearts"

As an abuse survivor, as well as an abuse blogger, I take issue with your painting abuse bloggers with a single paintbrush.

Yes, there are "enraged bashing" blogs. But many of us are just out there telling our stories, seeking support. When I started my blog, I was almost completely alone in my healing journey.  Now, I have a network of over 100 girls and women, and have only disconnected from a dozen or so, because they bash, and that's not our purpose.

Additionally, while I respect the view that classroom teaching may not be as modest as one-on-one discussions with parents, I know from not only my own experience, but the collective experience of my large support network, that leaving the education only  to parents can be devastating. As was correctly pointed out in the article, abuse is more likely to occur within the family system than in school. What about the hundreds of kids who think abusive behavior is normal, because it's coming from their parents. If Totty is doing it, it must be okay, right? And if Totty or Mommy is the abuser (because females do offend as well), who is sitting down to have this one-on-one talk?

I do not know if any research supports my personal recommendation in this area, but I believe the best abuse prevention education system is a three pronged approach with checks and balances. Education must come from the parents, the school, and the child's doctor. This way, if any one part of the system is failing, the other two are there to catch the child.