Elephant (unknown date, 2019)

I know I'm just a kid, and kids should be quiet and listen nicely but I really want to introduce my family to Elephant. But every time I try, they just laugh. They look right past her and don't even see that she's there.

I tried showing her to my teacher, but the teacher said it wasn't sharing time, and told me to get my silent reading if I was done my math.

The other kids all move over when Elephant is near, cause she takes up so much space. They don't play with me cause they say I'm smelly, but it's not me! Elephant just won't take baths! 

The counselor at school doesn't see Elephant when I show her either. She wants to hear what me and Elephant talk about. But then she says she had to call my mom, and do I let, and I'm just a kid, and kids don't say no to grownups, so I say yes.

Mommy says I have to go to a special doctor. The doctor wants to know all about Elephant, but he can't see her either. He says there's a medicine I have to take and I do. Every day, even in camp.

I don't know where Elephant went. I can't find her, and it makes me sad. Why did she leave? I miss her. 

Almost Caught Up

So, I've almost caught you up on my writing. Unfortunately, I seem to be missing a journal. I also have to figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer, and then onto my blog, so you can see the pictures that go with some of the poems. They make more sense with the prompts. Also, just the art from my journals in general.

To catch you up on my life in general...I'm still accepting donations to pay for my past therapy, though BH, I now have a therapist who takes my insurance and doesn't charge me a copay. I still owe my last therapist around $10,000. (Fundraiser is having some technical difficulties and cannot accept donations at this time. I will update you when it's up and running again)

I've moved a few times. Right now, I'm in a wonderful apartment paid for by the government, as part of a Supportive Housing Program for people with mental illness. I have a caseworker who checks in with me once a week by phone, and once a month in person, to make sure things are going okay.

I'm terrible at thinking of what to say about the last four years of my life, so now I'll put it to you, readers. What do you want to know?

Designed to Dehumanize (2/19/2019)

Take off your shoes

your socks, your clothes

Give us your phone,

your watch 

    there's no need for you to track day or time

Here's a narrow bed

In a hall, brightly lit

Stay there.

Stay.

     there's no need for you to have privacy or control

No, your friend can't stay

sit alone

no advocate

no one to hold your hand

    there's no right to have a voice

"insane"

"crazy"

laughter at

the grown man crying

    there's no right to dignity

Whatever the signs, the papers say

The psych ER

is Designed to Dehumanize

Garden (5/14/2019)

 I stand at the entrance of the garden with my eyes closed, I want to savor every minute of the experience, for tomorrow, I will be in another time and space, and these moments in this garden will be gone for good. I removed my socks and shoes before entering, so my entire being could feel the essence of this wonderful place.

I step carefully onto the warm stone path. I can feel the sun shining on my face, but the stone is still cool from last night's rain. The stones are smooth, and I sit down carefully. Sliding cautiously to my right, my arm bumps gently into the low stone barrier that keeps the overflow contained. I reach out carefully, touching the ridged leaves and feeling their shape, caressing the soft flower petals, and noticing the prickly grass below.

I can no longer contain myself. I MUST open my eyes. I stand and slowly turn, so I can see the whole garden. There is a brilliant array of color, and the dazzling sunshine hurts my eyes for just a short moment. I don't have enough plant knowledge to name the flowers around me, but I am in awe of the variety and how magnificent they all are-whites and pinks, reds and yellows...in the distance, I can see a hint of purple, to my left, fuchsia. And the greens! So many shades and hues, I can hardly take them all in.

I walk a little further in, and kneel to smell the flowers. Some smell a little bitter, but most have the sweetest aromas. I close my eyes again to regain focus. There is a songbird hidden somewhere nearby, I hear its song, light and sweet. I feel the breeze, and hear the leaves rustling.

I look for some honeysuckle, hoping to taste its sweetness. I can't find any. It's time to leave, and I am slightly saddened, but my heart is full.

We (4/30/2019)

We sit, side by side

Older, younger

Bigger, smaller

Who is who?

Who am I, are we?

We create, side by side

adding, removing

placing, moving

pieces and parts

of personality.

I am she,

She is me,

Together-we.

Choices (4/23/2019)

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~Albus Dumbledore

I choose

    to be kind

    to be loving

    to be giving

I choose

    to try

    to reach

    to test my limits

I choose

    to heal

    to grow

    to achieve

I am my choices,

    not my abilities

Hope (7/16/2020)

Hope for me is

    seeing a future

    having goals

    moving forward

Hope for me is

    a light at the end of the tunnel

    a silver lining on a cloud

    a dream to come true

Growth (7/16/2020)

Ouch

I bump my head

trying to come out

into the world

where's the light

I'm supposed to see?

It's just a tiny ray

I must reach it

I push and twist

toward the light

squeezing through a small hole

aaah, freedom.

Here's the light

I've always dreamed of.

See (6/25/2020)

What do I see?

What are my hopes?

Me, standing with a

crowd of excited students

calling me "Morah".

Me, taking in a lonely child

giving them hope that

"home" can be a place of safety

and love.

Me, looking in the mirror

and seeing a woman

who is happy

            calm

            hopeful

            & free

ready to face the world

& anything it may bring

because she knows

she is powerful

& can do anything

                at all

that she wishes to do.

Tree (6/25/2020)

I stand majestic

Tall, proud and alone

Bare, waiting for

My spring to come.

It will someday.

I hope I'll be here

To see it.

Not Done (6/18/2020)

I am not done

my ink still flows

there are words to come out

poems to jump from 

hand to paper.

I am not done

my heart still sings

there are stanzas to come out

songs to float from

air to ear.

I am not done.

I am not through.

Poetry still lies within

and my life 

still rings true.

Fallen Leaf (6/18/2020)

 Lying on my back

On the cold, wet ground

Detached from my lifeline

Will things ever be the same?

Seashell in the Sand (6/18/2020)

 The sun shines on my face
I turn away
I prefer the shadows
To hide.

The sun shines on my back

Bringing warmth

And I know that facing the cold world

I can do it

Because the sun behind me

Is lighting my way

See Me (undated, 2012)

 Do you see me
Do you hear
Can I be real
Or do I disappear
Am I anywhere
Or nowhere
Someone
Or no one
Words
flying through my head
too fast
for paper
Can you see me
Can you
Can you
Can you
Am I here
Am I real
Who am I anyway
Who am I

Trapped (Undated, 2012)

Trapped. Locked inside a single room.

One door out, and it's forbidden

Want to connect to those outside

Information being hidden.

Stuck with no communication

Flooding myself with emotions.

Want to figure out what's doing,

Inside my head, spinning, zooming.

Pain intense no nurse to help

Visitors may be banned from here for today only it's true

But I have no other day for

Visitors to come through,

What's the use in all this trying

When codes send even trained staff flying

Not telling where or what or why

Just keeping me here trapped inside

Switch my seat across the room

draw out my volcano boom

Write my feelings in a poem

scribble it over I'm still alone

Locked an trapped just let me go

Let someone come who really knows

Me. The outside me and the inside me as well. Please...

Pains (1/3/2012)

 pains come and go and come again

repeating in my abdomen

the docs don't know where it is from

each sends me to another one

all they can say to make it well

is pop another pain relieving pill

motrin, tylenol, and codeine, each gets a turn

to try and relieve my stomach churn

clenching, squeezing, pains so sharp

in my midsection body parts

sometimes I think it all must be

just in my head, not reality

but how can I know which one is the truth

when even doctors have no proof?

(2022 note: I was later diagnosed with IBS)

HL (2/17/2020)

 H. L.

a name

running through

my head

a pitter patter

whispering

filling the silence.

I don't know

an H. L.

she's not a

former schoolmate

Chazkeinu sister

student from my past

relative or

long lost friend.

Who are you,

H. L.?

How did your

name

end up

slipping into

the deep corners

and recesses of

my brain?

Being (2/17/2020)

Being here

In this place

In this time

In this body

Existing

With myself

With my parts

With others

Living

As me

As we

As a healthy person

Is just so hard.

Horse (5/28/2019)

 I lean on her

She leans on me

We talk, whisper, discuss.

She nods, listening

I nod, listening back.

I am her horse,

She is mine-

Both human,

Both horse--

        My friend.

DID 11/22/2012

 DID

What's wrong with

Me

Lots and lots

Of

Parts and stuff

Singing

Inside my head

I

Can't ever hear what's

Said

Anger, sadness, hurt and

Pain

Split in parts inside my

Brain

Life's more fun but

Also

A doozie-when T takes over, I feel

Snoozie

Little Ones, Big Ones, In

Betweens

To me this is what

DID

means.

Healing Journey 4/24/2012

 The deep tunned is seeped in darkness. Only as wide as my shoulders, tall as my back as I crawl on my hands and knees. Each slow, painful movement brings another stone crashing down behind me, leaving no option of turning back. Wherever this tunnel leads, the only way out is through it. The end is so far, not even a glimmer of light passes through as I navigate this difficult turn. I try to reach up, to dig through the top, but the solid stone doesn't give, and I cannot see. And so I continue to drag, palms bloody, knees bruised, and back scraped, completely at the mercy of He who carefully and steadily fills the space behind my aching body with stone, as tightly fit as a perfect tetris line, without the benefit of disappearing. The slight movement of air tells me there must be an opening somewhere, yet with every push forward, it seems further away. I'm not sure I will make it to the end...yet the crashing stones push me ever forward.

Coming Back

The big question is, do I backdated all the stuff I want to put up or put the dates in the posts?

Anyway, this is me, testing out the app and deciding how to move forward with the blog. Can't wait to update you all!