Walking Backward

Ever feel
Like you're walking backward
Against your will?

Like your body
Your legs
Just go
In the direction they want
Even though you know it's the wrong way?

That's what's happening now.

I wish my body
And my mind
Would be in sync
With each other.

Murdered

This may turn out to be against my better judgement, but I am posting it anyway.

"Leiby! Leiby!" Thousands took to the streets
looking for a little boy
who didn't come home
missing for just a few hours
and already, the community mobilized
to find him.

And they did.
Too late.
Dead.
Chopped up.

When it's physical
visible
we all go looking.

But what about all of us
who went missing as children
emotionally?
Whose minds are chopped up
ruined
destroyed?
Whose spirituality
connection with G-d
is gone
along with our childhoods?

No one came looking for us...
No one looks for the little girls
who disappear into their heads
whose smiles are gone

No one looks for us
Because our bodies
are still here.

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I've written here, I wonder if anyone is still reading this!

Things have changed so much in my life over the past few months, it's hard to believe this is me! Where to start....how to get you all up to date on where I'm up to, without revealing my identity...this is hard work!

I know longer live in the Sheep household! I, Little Sheep, now live somewhere else! Me! You're reading right! No more Sheep parents and siblings on a daily basis, only when I fit them into my schedule. Not that I don't love them and all, but it's definitely a new stage in my life!

I'm finishing TF-CBT! This week is my final session with my therapist. We're saying goodbye! And wait til I post pictures of my goodbye present to her...I can't wait til I finish it!

Although it wasn't my original plan, I am continuing therapy over the next few months. I'm starting with a totally new type of therapy though-art and sandtray therapy! This is going to be a whole new experience for me!

Look out for backdated posts over the next few weeks, as I catch you up on (some of) my 2011 art journal!

being home

my first few days at home were AWESOME! i'm happy to be back with my therapist. the social worker coming to visit me at home seems pretty ok. and of course, i've been keeping busy with my new therapy project-writing a book! i'm glad i gave up the idea of publishing my poetry and went for an informational book about art instead, it's so much more productive!

why?

no, you're not supposed to be able to read the words...

slow journaling

i don't think slow journaling is for me, but i might try it again...this is what came out. i'm so frustrated with myself and my process right now...

letting go

today i had fun playing around with my new watercolors! i just let go, and let myself do whatever my brush told me to...and this is what came out. thanks shef for encouraging me!

I am a....

thanks once again to my friend "rebbetzin" for the idea! i'd like to thank the blogger who had the quote on his/her blog too, but i can't seem to find the right blog anymore, nor do i remember the blogger's name! if you know who it is, please let me know so i can fix this post...

Who Were You? Are You? WIll You Be?

for this page, i used crayola erasable twistables for the background, then erased lines to write on. the text on the first two lines refers to what i was then...when i was abused, and the first ten years following. the next two lines are about what i'm like now. the fifth line refers to the future, and the last line is a quote from Rabbi Label Lam, from a speech he said at the Ohr Naava Shabbaton...i believe last year.

Fear

for this page, i used black paper and Crayola GelFX colored pencils to journal about my fears...

All About Tears

this page is dedicated to tears. i wrote random thoughts on tears in blue crayola marker, and using a technique that i found on thesamesky, i made the words bleed, to look like i actually cried on the paper. i didn't do as good a job as thesamesky, (no hidden image, sorry guys!) but i did like the technique, it was fun to use!

What Is Holding You Back?

this is not really finished yet, but i decided i liked the way it came out enough to post it. and also, i had to prove to myself that i COULD get over my perfectionism, so i posted it even with the splotch that's ending the unfinished word "insecurity".

for this page, i used a generic brand washable (not so)-neon paint that my therapist originally bought for me to use on my toolbox. i tried writing the words in marker, but it wouldn't write over the paint, so i used puff paint instead (hence the big splotch).

i'm trying to identify the things that are holding me back. so far, i think i'm doing a pretty good job of it, considering that it's the middle of the night, and i spent only five minutes or so writing...

my toolbox, pictures

here are the pictures i promised you!


(sorry, this one is a little blurry...)

all were made with craft foam (one of my favorite art supplies), puff paint, and hot glue. the box is a square black one. the sides are also decorated, but i didn't bother taking pictures of them...

my tool box

today in therapy, we starting building my toolbox. me being me of course, i redid the whole thing when i got home....my homework today was to add more things to my box. i'm proud to say that i added at least five things!

my toolbox is intended for me to use when things get really hard. when i have flashbacks/nightmares/intrusive thoughts, and all that other PTSD stuff. as soon as my tools are dry (i made them all out of craft foam, hot glue, and puff paint) i'll scan them in and post images. for now though, you'll have to be satisfied with a list of what i can remember...(i'm too lazy to go downstairs and look!)

~squeezing lemons-this is a relaxation technique that my therapist taught me. it's really simple-pretend to be squeezing a lemon with one hand. relax. do it again, harder. relax. do it again, as hard as you can. relax. repeat with other hand...this has been known to stop my leg from jumping up and down.

~humor...apparently, i'm a funny person, and my therapist says that when i joke around in therapy...ouch. i forgot what she said. but she did say something about humor being in my toolbox, so it's there!

~music/singing and making up silly songs

~art-of course! although, i'm busy with my art all the time these days (thanks Wounded Genius!)

~writing-this is something that comes naturally to me. i'm glad i have that outlet!

~exercise-i'm not sure how this will work for me, but i figured, if it's in my toolbox, i might try it out one day lol.

~take a walk outside

~telling someone i need help. saying what i need from them-this one is a real challenge for me.

~flesym dnuorg em spleh siht-sdrawkcab gnilleps

~counting-another grounding technique.

there are more, i just can't think of them right now. i hope to be able to scan and post them all tomorrow!

i also decorated the outside of the box, which was almost as much fun as making the tools themselves!

You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change Your Future

scanning was probably not the best method for posting this, but it's the only one i have at the moment. the part that says "sparkly" is on sparkly wrapping paper, "bright" is on neon orange cardstock. the animal print is a really comfortable (on the side that shows anyway) piece of fabric, "soft" is on velour paper. "fun" is actually on three layers, neon pink paper, squares, and then clear with white circles. "worry free" is on a shiny/sparkly silver wrapping paper, with colored dots.

my art journal cover

just finished it! i'm working on a few pages now too, (the first page was "celebrate your strengths") so you should be seeing more art journal posts coming up!

Celebrate Your Strength III

thanks so much to all my friends who helped me with this...you know who you are!

Do You Remember

Do you remember
the time
you came to my room
and I wasn't
expecting you?

Do you remember
how I screamed
and threw things
at you?

Do you remember
the time
I said I
never wanted
to see you
again?

Do you remember
how I came
and knocked on your door
sending hate messages
with your brother?

Do you remember
all my anger
back then?

Do you remember
the stories I'd tell,
when playing lego
house, or school
those things i want
to forget ever saying?

Sometimes,
you inadvertently
remind me of
all these things

and I wonder...
how much of what
I remember
do you remember
too?

(this is directed at a few different people, some of whom, as far as i know, don't even know this blog exists...)

trapped

i'm feeling trapped within my body
trapped within my mind
spiders crawling over me
relief i cannot find
i wish i knew what i could do
to calm the storms inside
when all my instincts tell me
that i should run and hide

and so i try with all my might
to use the skills i've learned
grounding, relaxation,
and praying til i'm heard
the hours pass, although they're long
slowly, my strength returns
honest communication really helped
thanks for your concern!

Just Once

Sometimes I think...

Just once,
I'd like to be
a part of things.

You don't
mean to hurt me
when I'm not...

You're just
talking about
normal stuff

Getting used
to married life,
its ups and downs

Setting up
an apartment, if
it's furnished or not

Your wigs
hair up or down
itchy, comfy, or off.

Dating, marriage
child rearing and
other things

That for
me, are far
off dreams...

Then I remember....

To you,
I'm normal,
just like you.

I'm not
a pathetic, depressed
abused, confused

person. I'm
your cousin,
your friend, sister

aunt, niece,
classmate and
neighbor.

I'm me.
And that's just
the way I want it.

(thanks to all the people who keep reminding me how normal and regular I am, without even knowing what you're doing!)