my toolbox, pictures

here are the pictures i promised you!


(sorry, this one is a little blurry...)

all were made with craft foam (one of my favorite art supplies), puff paint, and hot glue. the box is a square black one. the sides are also decorated, but i didn't bother taking pictures of them...

that time of year again

don't you love the holiday of pesach,
what a great time for sicko men.
but i just happen to be a survivor,
and it's that time of year again...

yup, it's that time of year again. i'm still alive, still suffering. i know i haven't been around much, and the truth is, i've been doing pretty well. suffering, but doing much better. in the last few months, i've accomplished more than i had in 12 years of therapy, and much more than i ever dreamed i was physically capable of doing. but pesach is back...

this year, i want my pesach to be different. better. so far, in my head, it's been all the same, despite the things that are already different. (he's in another country for pesach, there's no chance that i'll be bumping into him over yom tov...) the same memories...the same thoughts...same feelings...nightmares...body memories....all still there.

the hardest day of the year for me is less than a week away. this coming sunday will be exactly 11 years since the explosion. i'm dreading it...

my therapist suggested that i use that day to celebrate my strength...the strength and courage that allowed me to tell, to stick it out through all my therapists and all these years, through all the pain. i don't know how though....how do you celebrate such a thing? everything i can think of seems so....shallow. lame. so i'm stuck...

need help understanding something-all clarified

the rabbi clarified what he said originally...this was written to one of my friends, not me, so it doesn't clarify it perfectly, but it does help...

You have been grieviously hurt. The pain is still there. Question: Did anyone ask you for forgiveness? Obviously not. There is no obligation to forgive someone who has injured you when they haven’t asked for mechila (forgiveness) [and probably not acknowledged any wrongdoing]. As far as Lo sikom (revenge, ie: “you didn’t lend me, I won’t lend you), lo sitor (harboring ill will, ie: you didn’t lend me but I’m not like you, I’m better), lo sisno (do not hate)-there the Chafetz Chaim says one must be machmir (stringent). “Forgiveness” means absolving the perp from responsibility. That is not required.

If, for example, your two year old nephew would kick you in your shin, and leave a bruise, he’s only two years old, not responsible for his actions. You would automatically “forgive” him. If you can look at the perp(s) as “mentally defective” (and to some extent they are) and not responsible for what they did, and thus forgive them, WOW!! If you can actually have a cordial relationship, then “go to the head of the class.” A remarkable achievement, but NOT a requirement.

When we say vidui, we (A) acknowledge our wrongdoing, (B) we express remorse for what we did, and (C) we ask for forgiveness. Hashem, the Av Harachamon, forgives us. NO, you are not in deep trouble at all! You are reacting as any normal person. Hatzlocha

need help understanding something

warning: any comment that attempts to bash the rabbi that said this will NOT be published.

ok, so i'm in the middle of typing the rabbi's answers to some questions from my website. this is the last paragraph of one answer....

"Most siddurim, in krias shema al hamita have a paragraph which begins by declaring forgiveness for anyone who ever harmed me physically or financially. Afterwards, the paragraph continues by asking for forgiveness and help to never sin. It seems that before we can expect forgiveness for our shortcomings, we have to confirm our belief in forgiveness by forgiving others."

less than a month before yom hadin, where does this leave me??