Thursday, February 23, 2006


i sit on my mothers bed
on this fateful, horrid day
thinking of all i have to do
cause Pesach's on the way.

i'm looking out the window,
suddenly i feel a chill
what i've done before, when i
was cold, now i also will.

i pull my hands in through my sleeves
and sitting quite against the wall,
as i cross my arms over my chest
turn and hear him call.

he shuts the door behind him
sits next to me (so sweet)
and says "you know you've grown a lot!
now isn't that so neat?

oh please, can i take a look
what's underneath your shirt, so nice?"
but i'm a few years older now,
so i think not once, but twice.

i'm shaking in a voice unsure
but growing stronger by the minute
i say "but my big brother,
don't you know it's private?"

he tries to cajole me at first,
but i tell him i don't let
his face puckers in a frown
he's getting angry! he's upset!

he tugs my shirt, i push him
he's bigger, older, stronger!
i try to push my arms back out
can't take it any longer!

i'm crying and i'm screaming
there's no one near to hear
i yell "i'll soon call mommy!"
and i see him pause in fear.

"please, little sheep, i'll buy you
a cheese danish if you don't!"
i grab his arm and bite it hard
so i can't say "ok, i won't!"

the doorbell rings, i hear a shout
somebody's here for him
i pick up the phone to make that call
while he goes to let them in.


  1. This is sick and ugly!But you don't have to blame yourself.And i am happy to know you could tell your parents about it,that you have shared what happened to you.I think most women at some or the other point of time go through this,may be some petty molestation,being assaulted for five years was a BIG deal.It isn't about comparison,but while it is happening,we do not realize,most of us are young then and too scared to confront.
    I am happy for you that you could, with the help of your parents come out of it!
    Take care and be happy.

  2. it may not be about comparison, but the fact is, that sometimes, i feel like i'm doing a disservice to others by putting it out there that i told. so let me just add, for all those who will bother reading the comments:

    most kids don't have it as easy as i did.
    they are threatened that they will be killed, hurt, abandoned or excommunicated if they tell.
    they are afraid.
    of the kids who do tell, many are NOT believed. they are told they are lying. they are taken to psych wards. they are punished for making up stories.
    they are not as lucky as i was.

  3. I feel I can really connect to the child that was you through this poem. Thank you for allowing us to use it for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

  4. marj-thanks, and you're welcome

    heal and forgive-i'm not really sure that i'd call myself brave, but thanks

  5. I read your blog and went through it.... i want to tell you- you have it so hard, so much pain and suffering. It's so hard and i feel for you in your pain. I was crying as i read of your pain. I want to comfort you but their is not much i can say... I only expirienced part of your pain, if you can go through all that and still live your life then you are one special person and i respect you very much for your bravery and willpower. Life is not easy, you will be sooooooooooooo well rewarded for your suffering.Hashem has given you such a hard challenge please.... please keep going. keep strong. your road has so many bumps but i know that you can keep going along your path. you can do it! you can do it! YOU YOU YOU can do it!!! If i can help out in any way then please let me know. i want to help you. If i can ease your pain , through words or actions then tell me. I want you to feal better. also please.... please can i have your tehilim name? I will daven for the lessoning of your pain. Iwant to help. please tell me what i can do.
    hope to hear from you soon....

  6. nechama-email me and we can discuss it :)

  7. Hey Little sheep....
    i Would love to email you.... only one prob... I use my siblings email address, we all shear it, but it's really hers. I don't really have regulor access to email. only to internet. But still...... Im part of the "AM KISHAY OREPH!" :) Im stubborn and don't give up that easily. is their any way i can help you out even though i can't email you? I want to help, just tell me how. and have an awesome shabbos!!!!!! and don't forget... were all here for you.

    p.s- stay strong! you can do it! i belive in you. you can do it!!

  8. nechama-make your own gmail address, they're free!

  9. Hi!!!!! I hope you had a gr8 shabbos!!!!!!! Unfortunately at the moment, for various reasons, I can't create a new email address of my own. Is there any other way that I can help? Are you ok if we post back and forth through the commentaries???

  10. i need someone to understand me,
    but not many people can.
    i need someone to be here with me,
    in my pain. just be here with me.
    i don't really want them to understand.
    the only way to understand is
    to go through all
    the pain
    the suffering
    the torture
    the shame
    the silence.
    i don't want anyone to go through all of that.
    but please,
    hold my hand,
    hug me,
    and understand
    that you don't understand.
    please, somebody...
    hug me and
    hold my hand,
    squeeze it gently
    tell me
    that it'll be alright
    but please
    while holding
    my hand
    that my pain
    needs to be worked through
    in my own way
    that the path i'm taking contains
    a little from one way
    a drop from another,
    some support from one person...
    as you hold my hand
    if you are
    that someone who will,
    that i can't really
    be so different
    from the way that i am
    but i do need someone
    to hug me, hold me
    understand, and squeeze my hand
    Posted by little sheep at 9:12 PM

    - I'm here for you, just want you to know that.

  11. how about if you post, and i'll publish my responses only? i'll delete them as i get responses from you...

    let's do it this you know me?

  12. nechama-not sure if you wanted me to post those or let me know...i guess i'm curious to know if you recognize my story or not. if you do, then you for sure know me. if you don't, then you may or may not. get what i mean?

    no, i wasn't up anymore.

  13. nechama-not really sure how to answer the last post you sent. try for something shorter, my concentrations not too great right now...

  14. do your siblings know about all this???

  15. some know some, some know none. why?

  16. was just wondering about it, cuz you mentioned that you have younger siblings and i was wondering if they know about it and how they deal with it. does it effect their relartionship with your brother?

  17. the ones who know have weird relationships with him right now, not sure how to describe it.

    the others don't know, so...yeah.

  18. And what about all your girl siblings,
    are they scared of him???
    do they visit him and his kids??
    its a tough challenge.... for all of you.

  19. kills me to say it, but...they don't know

  20. and your siblings that don't know......
    they really don't know anything???
    surely they have been in your room or saw your meds lying around?
    is it hard to keep such a secret from your own siblings??

  21. i have four siblings that don't know. two don't live at home, cuz they're in yeshiva, and the other two know i'm on meds for depression, but they don't know the cause.

  22. hi,
    sorry took so long to answer back, i was helping around the house.

    don't they wonder what your depression was caused from?
    what about computer access?
    do they know about your blog?
    and is it safe for your girl siblings to visit your brother?
    is must be so hard to hide so much from your siblings...
    do you ever plan on telling them?

  23. i don't know if they wonder, they never asked. i dunno, what about computer access? they don't really have any, if that's what you mean. they don't know about my blog, no reason for them to know about it. i don't know if it's safe for them, but it's not in my control anyway. if my rav ever deems it necessary and ok, i'll tell them. if not, no i have no plans to tell them any more than they already know.

  24. can i ask another question???

    what about the times that you go for therapy?

    or the time when you went to the psych ward...
    did they know about that?

    how do they deal with your absences?

    how do your parents handle it?

    do the kids feel like their is some strange mystery going on??

    i have a friend of mine who went through a symilior situation and also kept it a secret from her siblings......
    its difficult to keep such a secret.

    and i feel for you as i feel for my friend.
    best of luck... it's not easy.

  25. they know i'm in therapy, just not why. they know i was in the hospital, but don't know details of why. i dunno how they deal...

  26. so this whole situation is kept very secretive????

    if your sisters wanted to know , would you tell them?

    did your brother go for therapy?

    does it bother you to see your GIRL sisters going to visit your brother???

    this whole situation is so upsetting.
    i wish our jewish community would address the issue.
    It was very difficult for me to know that such a thing happened to you as well as with my neighbor. why does the jewich community push all these problems under the rug? they exist!!! and they must be dealt with, not denyed.


c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?