Designed to Dehumanize (2/19/2019)

Take off your shoes

your socks, your clothes

Give us your phone,

your watch 

    there's no need for you to track day or time

Here's a narrow bed

In a hall, brightly lit

Stay there.

Stay.

     there's no need for you to have privacy or control

No, your friend can't stay

sit alone

no advocate

no one to hold your hand

    there's no right to have a voice

"insane"

"crazy"

laughter at

the grown man crying

    there's no right to dignity

Whatever the signs, the papers say

The psych ER

is Designed to Dehumanize

We (4/30/2019)

We sit, side by side

Older, younger

Bigger, smaller

Who is who?

Who am I, are we?

We create, side by side

adding, removing

placing, moving

pieces and parts

of personality.

I am she,

She is me,

Together-we.

Choices (4/23/2019)

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~Albus Dumbledore

I choose

    to be kind

    to be loving

    to be giving

I choose

    to try

    to reach

    to test my limits

I choose

    to heal

    to grow

    to achieve

I am my choices,

    not my abilities

Hope (7/16/2020)

Hope for me is

    seeing a future

    having goals

    moving forward

Hope for me is

    a light at the end of the tunnel

    a silver lining on a cloud

    a dream to come true

Growth (7/16/2020)

Ouch

I bump my head

trying to come out

into the world

where's the light

I'm supposed to see?

It's just a tiny ray

I must reach it

I push and twist

toward the light

squeezing through a small hole

aaah, freedom.

Here's the light

I've always dreamed of.

See (6/25/2020)

What do I see?

What are my hopes?

Me, standing with a

crowd of excited students

calling me "Morah".

Me, taking in a lonely child

giving them hope that

"home" can be a place of safety

and love.

Me, looking in the mirror

and seeing a woman

who is happy

            calm

            hopeful

            & free

ready to face the world

& anything it may bring

because she knows

she is powerful

& can do anything

                at all

that she wishes to do.

Tree (6/25/2020)

I stand majestic

Tall, proud and alone

Bare, waiting for

My spring to come.

It will someday.

I hope I'll be here

To see it.

Not Done (6/18/2020)

I am not done

my ink still flows

there are words to come out

poems to jump from 

hand to paper.

I am not done

my heart still sings

there are stanzas to come out

songs to float from

air to ear.

I am not done.

I am not through.

Poetry still lies within

and my life 

still rings true.

Fallen Leaf (6/18/2020)

 Lying on my back

On the cold, wet ground

Detached from my lifeline

Will things ever be the same?

Seashell in the Sand (6/18/2020)

 The sun shines on my face
I turn away
I prefer the shadows
To hide.

The sun shines on my back

Bringing warmth

And I know that facing the cold world

I can do it

Because the sun behind me

Is lighting my way

See Me (undated, 2012)

 Do you see me
Do you hear
Can I be real
Or do I disappear
Am I anywhere
Or nowhere
Someone
Or no one
Words
flying through my head
too fast
for paper
Can you see me
Can you
Can you
Can you
Am I here
Am I real
Who am I anyway
Who am I

Trapped (Undated, 2012)

Trapped. Locked inside a single room.

One door out, and it's forbidden

Want to connect to those outside

Information being hidden.

Stuck with no communication

Flooding myself with emotions.

Want to figure out what's doing,

Inside my head, spinning, zooming.

Pain intense no nurse to help

Visitors may be banned from here for today only it's true

But I have no other day for

Visitors to come through,

What's the use in all this trying

When codes send even trained staff flying

Not telling where or what or why

Just keeping me here trapped inside

Switch my seat across the room

draw out my volcano boom

Write my feelings in a poem

scribble it over I'm still alone

Locked an trapped just let me go

Let someone come who really knows

Me. The outside me and the inside me as well. Please...

Pains (1/3/2012)

 pains come and go and come again

repeating in my abdomen

the docs don't know where it is from

each sends me to another one

all they can say to make it well

is pop another pain relieving pill

motrin, tylenol, and codeine, each gets a turn

to try and relieve my stomach churn

clenching, squeezing, pains so sharp

in my midsection body parts

sometimes I think it all must be

just in my head, not reality

but how can I know which one is the truth

when even doctors have no proof?

(2022 note: I was later diagnosed with IBS)

HL (2/17/2020)

 H. L.

a name

running through

my head

a pitter patter

whispering

filling the silence.

I don't know

an H. L.

she's not a

former schoolmate

Chazkeinu sister

student from my past

relative or

long lost friend.

Who are you,

H. L.?

How did your

name

end up

slipping into

the deep corners

and recesses of

my brain?

Being (2/17/2020)

Being here

In this place

In this time

In this body

Existing

With myself

With my parts

With others

Living

As me

As we

As a healthy person

Is just so hard.

Horse (5/28/2019)

 I lean on her

She leans on me

We talk, whisper, discuss.

She nods, listening

I nod, listening back.

I am her horse,

She is mine-

Both human,

Both horse--

        My friend.

Walking Backward

Ever feel
Like you're walking backward
Against your will?

Like your body
Your legs
Just go
In the direction they want
Even though you know it's the wrong way?

That's what's happening now.

I wish my body
And my mind
Would be in sync
With each other.

Murdered

This may turn out to be against my better judgement, but I am posting it anyway.

"Leiby! Leiby!" Thousands took to the streets
looking for a little boy
who didn't come home
missing for just a few hours
and already, the community mobilized
to find him.

And they did.
Too late.
Dead.
Chopped up.

When it's physical
visible
we all go looking.

But what about all of us
who went missing as children
emotionally?
Whose minds are chopped up
ruined
destroyed?
Whose spirituality
connection with G-d
is gone
along with our childhoods?

No one came looking for us...
No one looks for the little girls
who disappear into their heads
whose smiles are gone

No one looks for us
Because our bodies
are still here.

Do You Remember

Do you remember
the time
you came to my room
and I wasn't
expecting you?

Do you remember
how I screamed
and threw things
at you?

Do you remember
the time
I said I
never wanted
to see you
again?

Do you remember
how I came
and knocked on your door
sending hate messages
with your brother?

Do you remember
all my anger
back then?

Do you remember
the stories I'd tell,
when playing lego
house, or school
those things i want
to forget ever saying?

Sometimes,
you inadvertently
remind me of
all these things

and I wonder...
how much of what
I remember
do you remember
too?

(this is directed at a few different people, some of whom, as far as i know, don't even know this blog exists...)

trapped

i'm feeling trapped within my body
trapped within my mind
spiders crawling over me
relief i cannot find
i wish i knew what i could do
to calm the storms inside
when all my instincts tell me
that i should run and hide

and so i try with all my might
to use the skills i've learned
grounding, relaxation,
and praying til i'm heard
the hours pass, although they're long
slowly, my strength returns
honest communication really helped
thanks for your concern!