Growth (7/16/2020)

Ouch

I bump my head

trying to come out

into the world

where's the light

I'm supposed to see?

It's just a tiny ray

I must reach it

I push and twist

toward the light

squeezing through a small hole

aaah, freedom.

Here's the light

I've always dreamed of.

Being (2/17/2020)

Being here

In this place

In this time

In this body

Existing

With myself

With my parts

With others

Living

As me

As we

As a healthy person

Is just so hard.

Healing Journey 4/24/2012

 The deep tunned is seeped in darkness. Only as wide as my shoulders, tall as my back as I crawl on my hands and knees. Each slow, painful movement brings another stone crashing down behind me, leaving no option of turning back. Wherever this tunnel leads, the only way out is through it. The end is so far, not even a glimmer of light passes through as I navigate this difficult turn. I try to reach up, to dig through the top, but the solid stone doesn't give, and I cannot see. And so I continue to drag, palms bloody, knees bruised, and back scraped, completely at the mercy of He who carefully and steadily fills the space behind my aching body with stone, as tightly fit as a perfect tetris line, without the benefit of disappearing. The slight movement of air tells me there must be an opening somewhere, yet with every push forward, it seems further away. I'm not sure I will make it to the end...yet the crashing stones push me ever forward.

Red, Blue, and Yellow Yarn

There's a book I have in my picture book collection (title above) about a little boy whose Bubby has come to visit. Bubby has lots of rules, and he doesn't like them. Bubby is staying in his room, and he's not supposed to go in, but he does anyway, to get a car he forgot on his bed. While he's there, he sees his Bubby's balls of yarn, all perfect in a basket, and it's so tempting to juggle them...but he's not very good at it, and every time one drops and rolls away, he just grabs another. By the time he is caught, the entire room is a giant, colorful web of yarn.

I just finished reading an autobiography of a woman who had DID, and successfully integrated her 24 personalities. Unlike Sybil, her book is written from her own perspective, with her therapist's notes included.

Here's a brilliant quote from her book (which I highly recommend) that I really think describes what's going on inside me right now:

"...Yet the flock seemed worse, with personalities further apart an acting out more vigorously now than we had been before beginning therapy. Lynn had said that therapy was like separating the strands in a tangled web of yarn. It made sense that things would keep getting more separate for a while so that we eventually came back together in a more organized way."

I have a beautiful life to knit. I just need to untangle all the red, blue, yellow (and other colors!) balls of yarn so I can put them back together and create the wonderful person I am supposed to be.

(quote from The Flock, by Joan France's Casey with Lynn Wilson)

Rethinking

When I first started writing and drawing abotu abuse, more than five years before I started this blog, I portrayed him as menacing in every incident I wrote about.

Now though...I know the truth. I know that sometimes, he was sugary sweet, hugs and kisses, pleading.

It left me confused. If he's so ice, it can't be bad, right? So when I told, when I admitted it was bad, when I stopped blocking...I had to portray him as all black, all bad, all mean...

If not, it would be my fault for listening, for wearing that pair of underwear, for getting undressed, for kissing his penis...after all, he didn't make me....

being home

my first few days at home were AWESOME! i'm happy to be back with my therapist. the social worker coming to visit me at home seems pretty ok. and of course, i've been keeping busy with my new therapy project-writing a book! i'm glad i gave up the idea of publishing my poetry and went for an informational book about art instead, it's so much more productive!

Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors

Hi everyone!

You probably noticed my current obsession Art Journal". I'm finding it really helpful. I hope you are too!

There's a new twist to the art journal project, and I need your help for it. My therapist gave me a major summer project: to write a book on Therapeutic Art Activities for Trauma Survivors. I can't do it myself though! I need volunteers to try out the projects that I've done so far and give me feedback by email, so i know what to include in my book.

If you can help in any way, whether by trying out my ideas, or coming up with some of your own and passing them on to me, please email me!

Thanks so much,

Little Sheep

slow journaling

i don't think slow journaling is for me, but i might try it again...this is what came out. i'm so frustrated with myself and my process right now...

survived

i used random paints i found in my puff paint box for this page. i didn't even know i had them! i wrote the words with puff paint. it didn't come out quite the way i envisioned it, but i tried to go with instinct, and this is what came out...

Fear II

this page was fun to do! the Creative Every Day theme this month is "intuition", which i used for the colored part of it. first, i took glue and squiggled it without thinking on a piece of cardboard. once it dried, i placed it under my page and using random colors, i colored over it, to give my page a textured look. i then used black puff paint to outline the different colors, and to write two quotes about fear, and my thoughts about them.

"we should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hope" ~John F. Kennedy

i'll be seeing "him" tomorrow. in fact, because we'll be taking family portraits, with all my siblings, in laws, nieces, and nephews, i'll even be in the same room as him for quite some time. i hope to enjoy the family get together, even with him there.

"try a thing you haven't done three times. once to get over the fear of doing it. twice to learn how to do it. and a third time to figure out if you like it or not." ~virgil thomson

maybe i'll be able to learn to really let myself go and enjoy myself, even if he is nearby...maybe...

I am a....

thanks once again to my friend "rebbetzin" for the idea! i'd like to thank the blogger who had the quote on his/her blog too, but i can't seem to find the right blog anymore, nor do i remember the blogger's name! if you know who it is, please let me know so i can fix this post...

Who Were You? Are You? WIll You Be?

for this page, i used crayola erasable twistables for the background, then erased lines to write on. the text on the first two lines refers to what i was then...when i was abused, and the first ten years following. the next two lines are about what i'm like now. the fifth line refers to the future, and the last line is a quote from Rabbi Label Lam, from a speech he said at the Ohr Naava Shabbaton...i believe last year.

Fear

for this page, i used black paper and Crayola GelFX colored pencils to journal about my fears...

Oh, the Places You'll Go 2

i used every type of paper i have in my house, cut into circles for this one. thanks scraps for the theme!

Oh, the Places You'll Go

where do i want to go in life? what do i want to accomplish? this piece of art is a small drop in the bucket, i lost patience by writing so small. IY"H, i'll continue to add more things to it as time goes by...i'm not so happy with the way the little guy came out, but i'm not going to make myself (too) nuts over it...

inspired by Dr. Suess, and Rebbetzin. (thanks!)

All About Tears

this page is dedicated to tears. i wrote random thoughts on tears in blue crayola marker, and using a technique that i found on thesamesky, i made the words bleed, to look like i actually cried on the paper. i didn't do as good a job as thesamesky, (no hidden image, sorry guys!) but i did like the technique, it was fun to use!

What Is Holding You Back?

this is not really finished yet, but i decided i liked the way it came out enough to post it. and also, i had to prove to myself that i COULD get over my perfectionism, so i posted it even with the splotch that's ending the unfinished word "insecurity".

for this page, i used a generic brand washable (not so)-neon paint that my therapist originally bought for me to use on my toolbox. i tried writing the words in marker, but it wouldn't write over the paint, so i used puff paint instead (hence the big splotch).

i'm trying to identify the things that are holding me back. so far, i think i'm doing a pretty good job of it, considering that it's the middle of the night, and i spent only five minutes or so writing...

Reasons Why I Love My Body

this one was really hard to do, i had a lot of help! thanks guys! ;-) the edges are a little cut off, i hope you can read them...(good luck trying!)

celebrate your strength day picture

sorry it's not so clear, it's the best i could do!

my toolbox, pictures

here are the pictures i promised you!


(sorry, this one is a little blurry...)

all were made with craft foam (one of my favorite art supplies), puff paint, and hot glue. the box is a square black one. the sides are also decorated, but i didn't bother taking pictures of them...