When I first started writing and drawing abotu abuse, more than five years before I started this blog, I portrayed him as menacing in every incident I wrote about.
Now though...I know the truth. I know that sometimes, he was sugary sweet, hugs and kisses, pleading.
It left me confused. If he's so ice, it can't be bad, right? So when I told, when I admitted it was bad, when I stopped blocking...I had to portray him as all black, all bad, all mean...
If not, it would be my fault for listening, for wearing that pair of underwear, for getting undressed, for kissing his penis...after all, he didn't make me....
The fact that he would instigate something like that automatically labels him as "black" no matter how he may have behaved during the act. There is nothing sweet about what he did to you/made you do to him. Nothing.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't your fault no matter what you might have done - it may seem like he didn't make you do those things but I would say he DID, because he manipulated you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your blog. I have to go anon here 'cause my blog is under my real name. I was abused by my brother too from 1999 until I got married in 2002. My therapist wants to send me to a therapist who specializes in this stuff.
ReplyDeleteRacheli and fromthesamesky, I know that intellectually, the problem is, my heart is a bit confused right now. I'll get back there eventually...
ReplyDeleteAnon, email me anonymously and we can talk, k? I don't need details...but your therapist is absolutely right!
I hear you and can relate. It can be so hard to mesh the positive characteristics/behaviors/deeds with the abusive and terrible actions.
ReplyDelete****Could be Triggering*****
ReplyDeleteI can't post this on my blog name either. All I can say is that I am one of the OTD blogs. From 1998 until I started dating my husband, a close relative abused me.
What you just said is what I just feel. He was sweet at times, but it, looking back was sick. So I just took the !@#$ing, I felt powerless every time. I just let him and took it knowing that I can tell no one.
To this day I have not told anyone in my family, and I am not going to. I feel like it will destroy everyone.
My therapist also wants to send me to a specialist therapist. I have pushed this far, far from my mind until this year i felt worse and got triggered.
Dear, you are stronger than you know.
my abuser was my dad, and one day i tried to just accept that i still love him and want him to be a good dad to me. it made me feel more settled about all of my conflicting thoughts and feelings toward him and what he did.
ReplyDeleteit also allowed me to put what he did in a less confusing perspective, one in which i could clearly see that he was the villain and i was innocent. i can't explain it, but that's what happened.
Even though I am a girl, I was abused by mom and her best friend. My mom is abusive in every other way, too, so i thought that she was finally starting to 'love' me. I have PTSD and major clinical depression, and I'm just trying to figure out how to cope now. My psychiatrist is all, we'll help you through this, but I'm thinking, how much more?????
ReplyDeleteCan't put my real name on (for obvious reasons) but it's nice to finally say something...