therapy journal 25

therapy is not going so well. i've gone back to my old defense mechanisms, so we're moving back up to twice a week. DBT is on hold for now, we're not sure what we're doing about it.

had a pretty ok week. of course, that could be cuz i'm avoiding my feelings, and since i don't know what i'm feeling, i'm just assuming it was ok.

therapy journal 24

shabbos was really nice. had A over, and went to visit EG. plus, went to visit my bros and their wives and kids.

had a family chanuka party after shabbos, and for various reasons, jack wasn't even invited! i was able to really enjoy myself :-)

went to visit *me* today, had a nice time with her. was a stressful day though.

now i'm busy debating DBT...i really don't want to do it. maybe i'll be lucky and the waiting list will be too long...

therapy journal 23

had an ok day today. the heat in our house is broken though, so my evening wasn't as great as it could be. my sister is home for chanukah vacation. i'm having one of my friends from the hospital for shabbos, so for once my room is actually clean. probably won't post again before shabbos.

therapy journal 22

had an ok day today.

therapy yesterday was really hard. she wants me to start in a DBT program, and i'm really nervous to do it.

therapy journal 21

had a very lazy day today. didn't accomplish anything, forgot all about my therapy homework. i feel like such a pathetic loser right now...

therapy journal 20

shabbos was ok this week. but i ruined it for myself tonight, by triggering myself on purpose. what's wrong with me???

therapy journal 19

had an ok day today. a bit overwhelmed by life though.

only did my therapy homework once today, and i can't do it over shabbos. makes me so mad at myself...

therapy journal 18

i haven't been entering in this journal most of this week, cuz it's not officially my homework anymore. my homework this week is to write down how i'm feeling and why at specific times during the day, which is a lot harder than it seems. so far, i wrote it down three times this whole week, which is an embarrassment.

why is it so hard to notice how i'm feeling?

anyway, besides that...therapy is really hard. i feel like i'm moving backwards, which she says is normal. so i'm normal. which is just wonderful, cuz i love feeling normal, especially when normal is painful. i'm terrified that i'm going to end up in the hospital again in this process, which she says is also normal. normal, normal, normal...

i'm hurting....