Back From Vacation

So my therapist is back from her summer vacation. Life is getting back on track. But therapy is really hard. I hate just saying "I'm not feeling well" and "I'm exhausted" when I really want to tell people to shut up, leave me alone, and let me rest when I come home.

But it's Friday. There is no time to rest. I need to get my room ready for someone to move in over the weekend. I need to clear my art projects from the stairs. Find a new place to keep my medication, because it is now considered "clutter" when it's on the counter, even though that's the best place for me to keep it so I shouldn't forget to take it.

I'm so tired.

Dentist and Dermatologist

So, yesterday I finally forced myself to the dentist's office. I'm so glad I finally found a dentist who takes Medicaid! He was really kind, and when I told him I wanted to take care of my cavities as soon as possible so I wouldn't have a chance to keep pushing it off, he offered to fill them (all five!!!) on the spot! It was really hard-I'm not a fan of dentists, and there was a lot of triggering stuff in my head, but I got through it. Now I have to find an oral surgeon to take care of my wisdom teeth. Yuck.

Today I took care of another pressing medical need-I went to the dermatologist and had a full body check. What I thought was a mole turns out to be just a scar, but I do have another mole to keep an eye on. She was so patient, and kind, and really paid attention to what I told her about my needs as a DID patient. Unless my mole changes in color or size (she said to check around once a month) I don't have to go back for a year.

Of course, it's been two years since the gyn (or maybe only one? I need to go again, that's for sure) and I'm not doing it. I just can't. And it has been three years since my colonoscopy, and I missed my check in appointment at the GI since I was in the hospital. I have to reschedule, so I can get the colonoscopy over with. And if any of my cousin's from my Dad's side are reading this (you know who you are!) when was your last colonoscopy? When did your GI say to come back! Please be on top of it, we can't afford to lose more family members to the glory of our family GI history!

Today Was a Good Day

I should post that more often!

Today was an awesome day! I'm proud to say that I got to my interview five minutes early (here's to hoping I'm hired!). I remembered to eat real food before leaving the house, and when I walked into a store for a snack, I actively chose not to buy binge food. (Yay, opposite action!) I even did something I thought I would never do. I took my first driving lesson! I didn't even crash! (Who wants to practice with me, after I have a few more lessons??)

I also did something very brave. I accepted the offer to tutor a 12 year old boy. I will be meeting him in a library tomorrow. I can't believe I'm doing it! But I figure, if I'm going to start not being afraid of (all? most?) guys, a great way to do it would be to start with young ones. Here's to hoping!

Missing Therapy

For the first time since my last hospitalization I missed therapy this morning. I don't know why I didn't sleep last night-I was in bed and mostly sleeping, just not deeply enough. I just couldn't get up this morning.

I had a piano lesson this week, which was really nice. I can almost play what I learned without the notes! I also had a crochet lesson, though my markers Leo falling out and getting lost. I guess I have to try another new kind. 

I found someone who is willing to try and sell my crochet work to help me pay for therapy, so we will see if that helps. (When I have a few pieces ready, I will let you know how to get them!)

This week....

This week was interesting. I had time to spend with D, and I am slowly learning about her and how and why she operates as she does. She is confusing, as she seems like she's there to harm, but really is there to protect. We have our work cut out for us!

I made the decision to reopen my GoFundMe therapy fund. I don't know how helpful it will be, as my expenses are high, but if everyone I know would share it, maybe it will work. You never know.

Besides for the fund, we are looking to tutor children up to grade four. Prices negotiable, So if you know me in real life, and have a child or know a child who needs tutoring or summer homework help, please send them my way!

B has finished building a dresser, and is moving on to a storage closet next week! I can't wait...We are also trying to finish re-reading all the Harry Potter books, and are almost done Order of the Phoenix.

We are learning to play the piano and how to crochet. So far, we can play three and a half songs, and have completed one crochet project.

More next week...

Fly safe, butterfly friends!

Psychiatrists, Therapists, Hospitals, and Money

After a long search, I did find a new psychiatrist. So far, she's been really amazing. But that hasn't stopped me from heading to the hospital twice this year so far. So, Medicare, how many private hospitalization days do I have left now? Don't answer that.

My therapist is amazing. She puts up with so much from me-midnight emails, late payments, missed appointments, and the general hullabaloo that is DID. It sure is messed up.

This week, I had the honor of meeting another part of myself. D has been hovering near the surface for a while. She recently asked a friend of mine to assist my suicide. Now I know why I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago, though the hospital didn't think it was necessary for me to figure out why I was there before letting me go. What's up with that?

There's a new chaplain/pastoral care person in the hospital I usually end up in. I hope that one day she will find this and know how much I appreciate how much she helped me while I was there. It amazes me that a chassidish woman is so open and willing to talk about my issues, without any euphemisms. Thank you Dobra, for all your help!

The grant that has been helping me pay for my therapy for the last year is up now. I don't know how I'm going to continue paying. I wish the people I usually discuss this kind of stuff with were around, but I can't seem to get in touch with anyone.

D is so close to the surface. I really need her to go inside. Somehow, the china plates she is shattering in her safe place is not enough for her. I wish this week were a regular therapy week and she could come out in therapy on Friday, but my next session isn't until Monday.

B had a good time this week building our friend's dresser. He would have been happier with me if we hadn't had to stop in the middle-twice-bit hopefully we'll get to finish it tomorrow and he will be happy with the results.

That's the news in the system.
Safe flying, butterfly friends!

In the crazy world of Little Sheep...

My psychiatrist dropped me. Part of me kind of wishes she would find this post and recognize herself, but I'm not naming her and I doubt she would care enough to look anyway.

Alternative medicine currently reigns supreme while I look for a new doctor: biomagnetic therapy, chiropractics, and vitamins and supplements. Not to worry-I'm still taking regular psychotropic drugs. And in "regular" therapy. Someone offered me free massages cause she needs to practice, I think I'll take her up on it, thank you. Anyone else want to offer me free treatment?

Seriously though, it sucks to not have a doctor in case of an emergency. Also, all my non psychiatric medical conditions are acting up, so more and more of my time is taken up running around to doctors. And I know my weight is creeping up, which totally sucks but is completely my fault for binging.

Welcome back everyone!