blank mind I

why was i in that room?
was anyone else at home?
how old was i? night or day?
all these things i do not know...

i'm on the bed...lying down...
he's on me. it hurts. NOOOO
"I just want to try something," he says
i'm crying.
what is he doing? what is he trying?
i don't know. i don't know.
i never will.
i think...
get off get off get off

engaged

Another girl engaged. I smile, I'm so glad.
I say I am anyhow, but inside...I feel bad.
After every details said, and I hang up my phone,
My thoughts can now flow freely, now that I'm alone...
How can she know that he's okay?
I know, she checked in every way!
But there are so many things to hide,
That no one out there will ever find!
You cannot find every detail of his history and past,
I know boys whose sectets they think (know?) are sure to last!
There is one-a "big bad wolf," whom I know quite well,
He's married now, to a lovely wife, with two small boys, how swell!*
But what will be when she finds out, his secrets so well hidden,
Of all the horrid things he did as a teen that are forbidden?
Most deeds are forgivable, yes that I know is true,
But you wouldn't marry someone like my "brother," would you?
And who's to say that your husband, chassan, fiancee,
Is not just like this "lovely boy" in every single way?
I guess it won't be long now, before no one else amongst my friends,
Is not dating, married or engaged, and there I'll meet my end.
I know I'll never marry, get engaged, or start to date,
Cause by the time my fears are gone, it will just be too late...
______________________________________________i too late...
______________________________________________i too late...

*he now has two sons, and a daughter, not just sons...keep her in mind in your prayers, friends!

explosion

i sit on my mothers bed
on this fateful, horrid day
thinking of all i have to do
cause Pesach's on the way.

i'm looking out the window,
suddenly i feel a chill
what i've done before, when i
was cold, now i also will.

i pull my hands in through my sleeves
and sitting quite against the wall,
as i cross my arms over my chest
turn and hear him call.

he shuts the door behind him
sits next to me (so sweet)
and says "you know you've grown a lot!
now isn't that so neat?

oh please, can i take a look
what's underneath your shirt, so nice?"
but i'm a few years older now,
so i think not once, but twice.

i'm shaking in a voice unsure
but growing stronger by the minute
i say "but my big brother,
don't you know it's private?"

he tries to cajole me at first,
but i tell him i don't let
his face puckers in a frown
he's getting angry! he's upset!

he tugs my shirt, i push him
he's bigger, older, stronger!
i try to push my arms back out
can't take it any longer!

i'm crying and i'm screaming
there's no one near to hear
i yell "i'll soon call mommy!"
and i see him pause in fear.

"please, little sheep, i'll buy you
a cheese danish if you don't!"
i grab his arm and bite it hard
so i can't say "ok, i won't!"

the doorbell rings, i hear a shout
somebody's here for him
i pick up the phone to make that call
while he goes to let them in.

memories of lace

while lying on my old bed
trying hard to fall asleep
i close my eyes real tight
please Hashem! no
dreams! but still...
here they come...

"please, pretty please?" his face all puckered
in question. how can i say
no? "i don't like it!" i
want to SCREAM...but
here we go again
why?
why do i always laugh?!
it's not funny..
oh, how i hate my
body's instincts...

"aren't these pretty? they'll fit...
won't you please try them on?
for me?" but...
i hesitate-underwear shouldn't
have holes. besides
i don't know. do
other girls do this
________for their older brothers?