Oral (yikes!)

i lied.
again.
why?
i trust her.
she's my friend!
it's not as though
we've never talked
about all this before.
first, i didn't lie.
i was able to be
honest.
and say i don't
know.
because i don't.
i didn't.
and i won't.
i refuse to know
how far he went
if it was really
rape
if he ever penetrated.
i don't know.
i don't want to know.
but then
she asked
if he ever
made me
do things to him.
i said yes.
that part was
still true.
at least not
everything i
say is a lie.
but then she
asked-
"oral?"
and i said
no.
because i
don't want
to remember
that time.
but now that
she asked...
the picture
won't leave my
head.
he was sitting
on a chair
in the dining room.
his pants...
i don't know if
tehy were off
or just down.
i was sitting
on the floor.
first, he made
me touch him.
squeeze.
then, i don't
know what
came next.
i just remember
him saying
kiss me.
kiss me.
and he didn't
want me to
stand up and
kiss his lips.
not this time.
he wanted me
to kiss
his...
his...
penis.
the picture
won't go away.
i'm nauseous.
so, so, nauseous.
i know.
i know-
that i did it.
i listened.
i can still
feel it
against my
lips.
and i know,
i know-
that this wasn't
a one time
event.
what else
do i really
know?

hope

i want to be able to pray
i want to be able to say
that i know for sure that someday
i'll really be okay

i want to stio always being so down
to stio my face from its perpetual frown
to not be scared in pjs or nightgown
not be afraid walking through town

to be able to readily cry when i'm sad
laugh spontaneously when i'm feeling glad
freely express my anger when mad
to identify emotions whether good or bad

i want to know that i can become whole
that i'm fully capable of reaching my goal
that i will dig myself out of this hole
that there is hope left for the cracks in my soul

the chicken or the egg

which came first-
the chicken, or the egg?

which comes first-
the physical pain,
or the image in my mind?

which comes first-
the physical pain,
the image in my mind,
or the glassy, glazed eyes?

which comes first-
the physical pain,
the image in my mind,
the glassy, glazed eyes,
or the shaking hands?

which comes first-
the physical pain,
the image in my mind,
the glassy, glazed eyes,
the shaking hands,
or the trouble breathing?

which came first-
the chicken, or the egg?

darkness

deep in my mind
all pictures have a stain
it's black, it's red
it's the darkness of pain.
want to wash it
why should it remain
as big spots of dirt
on mind's window pane.
the clouds in my sky,
always gray, calling "rain!"
cars always crash,
street's called "horror lane"
yet even as i scrub
i know it's in vain
'cause all this has a name-
it's the darkness of pain.

They Say

Putting fire and stone in my heart, so it hurts,
And making my head feel ready to burst,
Inside, though it seems like all this doesn't pay,
Nothing's without a purpose, they say.

Perhaps it is something outside of my mind,
And maybe it's something that I'll never find,
In the future I hope to know it, someday,
Nothing's without a purpose, they say.

unshed tears

where
are the tears
when you need them?
when your heart
is aching
and breaking?
when the pain
is too great
as you wonder about your fate?
when life
is too much,
and the road too tough?
when you feel
so alone
though everyone's home?
when you need them...
why aren't the tears
there?

stopping the current pains

put some pressure
make it stop
the pain i feel
is over the top
my head, my arms
my ribs, my legs
oh make it stop
i beg, i beg

nervous?

heart keeps pounding
i can’t breath
don’t really know
happenings underneath
calming songs
it’s not singing
no nice feelings
only tingling
body starts
to feel so hot
is there a reason?
i think not

Hands Head Heart

alone
in the room
the door is shut
locked up real tight

hand
on my body
though no one is there
i talk to myself:

there
is no one here
put your hand there
it's MY hand touching me

yet
even with this
sweet little talking to
i cannot convince myself that

i
am safe here
in my own room
and he's far away now

that
he can't come
that it's not his
hands on my arms and

it's not his fingers
tickling my stomach 'til
it tingles with spidery sensations

and
it's not him
causing pain down there
i should know i'm safe

the
greatest of distances
is the one that
travels from head to heart

tears

here i lie
in bed and try
to get my
eyes to cry
along with my heart
that's torn apart
and needs no help to start
as my eyes smart
wait for tears to fall
they don't heed my call
order's too tall
can't catch that ball
i guess these years
so full of fears
more than my peers
have dried my tears

ing

heart is pounding
thoughts are hounding
trouble breathing
mind is grieving
hands are shaking
skin i'm flaking
eyes are staring
won't start tearing
insides crawling
feel like bawling

shakes

i shake, i quiver and shiver in fear
even though nothing that triggers is near
no place to go to get rid of the scare
oh please God get me out of here

masks

tired of faking
when i wanna be shaking
wanna quiver and shiver
let my tears form a river
i want to remove this happiness mask
keeping it on is a formidable task
yet i continue to live my life as a lie
while inside of me, all emotions die

regret

yick ick feeling sick
spidery and wet and slick
want to cry
but eyes are dry
crazy and spaced
like life's a waste
mine is flying
still not crying
no denying
i keep trying
chewing walking
brain is stalking
wish i'd hid
kept shut the lid