Oral (yikes!)

i lied.
again.
why?
i trust her.
she's my friend!
it's not as though
we've never talked
about all this before.
first, i didn't lie.
i was able to be
honest.
and say i don't
know.
because i don't.
i didn't.
and i won't.
i refuse to know
how far he went
if it was really
rape
if he ever penetrated.
i don't know.
i don't want to know.
but then
she asked
if he ever
made me
do things to him.
i said yes.
that part was
still true.
at least not
everything i
say is a lie.
but then she
asked-
"oral?"
and i said
no.
because i
don't want
to remember
that time.
but now that
she asked...
the picture
won't leave my
head.
he was sitting
on a chair
in the dining room.
his pants...
i don't know if
tehy were off
or just down.
i was sitting
on the floor.
first, he made
me touch him.
squeeze.
then, i don't
know what
came next.
i just remember
him saying
kiss me.
kiss me.
and he didn't
want me to
stand up and
kiss his lips.
not this time.
he wanted me
to kiss
his...
his...
penis.
the picture
won't go away.
i'm nauseous.
so, so, nauseous.
i know.
i know-
that i did it.
i listened.
i can still
feel it
against my
lips.
and i know,
i know-
that this wasn't
a one time
event.
what else
do i really
know?