getting ready

sitting and waiting for my turn to go in
do you even know the pain i am in?
the pain that i'm feeling is so very real
(just like my body, i know it's real!)
so so scared that someone will touch me
even though i know it'll only be me
been pushing this off for hours and hours
but no more pushing off at this late hour
will i find someone to be on the phone while i shower
since i can't be alone in the shower?

i'm trying, i'm trying to get ready...
but will i ever really be ready?

(prequal to showers, showers II, & showers III)

why go on?

tell me my friends
what reason you can give
for someone like me, in so much pain
to want to go on, to live?
go ahead, i really let
you can give it a try,
but i can almost guarantee
you won't even get me to cry.
you're right, i know,
if i die, he wins
and why should i die
because of his sins
but winning or losing,
why would i care?
if i live, the pain
is still there!
so if it's alright with you,
you'll have to find another
a different type of reason,
that doesn't include my "brother"
i know that you predict for me
a future hopeful and bright
but i'm living in the here and now,
with pain all day and night.
well don't you worry my dear friends,
i won't try suicide,
cause one thing that i do have left,
though battered, is my pride!

#84

why do i feel
touch down there
doesn't fit-
i only sit!
no one's fingers, no one's hands,
why the pain-don't understand
and so i wonder, will i ever?
somehow my instincts tell me-
_________________ never!

no shower

dirty
smelly
oily
sweaty
would any
body
wanna be
right near me?

falling

i just keep on falling
there's no way back up.
the bottom's so far,
but so is the top.
when will i land?
hit the bottom, bump, crash?
the sides are so narrow,
i keep getting smashed!
i'm bruised and i'm bleeding,
i'm hurt, i'm in pain,
maybe if i cried or talked
i'd see some gains!
but instead all i do,
is lie here and stare,
and wonder if healing
is really out there.
i want to go up,
find a foothold to climb,
but i'm broken and cracked,
and covered in slime.
the sides are too steep,
i've no training in this!
was it taught in one of
the classes i missed?

showers III

got undressed
water's on
climb inside
part one's done

hair is wet
pour in shampoo
rub it in-uh oh
what'll i do?!

my hands.
they're covered in hair.
there's hair all over me
get me out of here!!

i can't get it off!
it's stuck to me!
get it away!
AAAIIIEEEE!

i
can't
finish
this
shower
cuz
i'm
very
freaked
out
from
starting
but
i
must

how can i be clean
if the hair from my head
is stuck all over
my body instead?

i'm filthy, i'm dirty,
i'm stinky and smelly
and even worse don't you see,
feels like he's touching me!

so why bother trying in the first place?

#80

try so hard
work so hard
it's too hard

takes so long
to move along
far too long

how hard i try
and still do try
before stopping to try

i've had enough
it's been enough
when's it enough

just let me sleep
just go to sleep
rest and sleep

stop to work
at this hard work
too much work

It's not gone
wish i was gone
memories begone

i've tried so hard,
so long, enough,
just wanna sleep,
let the work be gone-
enough is enough!

not really sure what to make of this one myself...which is why it's just in with its poem number, and doesn't have a title. hey, anyone who wants to try and give me some insight is quite welcome to!

Tendency

it's here in me on me
just won't go and set me free
causing hurt and inner pain
putting my body under strain
will not stop or go away
just waits for me to obey
so again th eorders i follow
so i feel so very hollow
what? psychotic? me?
naa...i only have a tendency!

fragments

when things are so fragmented,
memories, in pieces, in my brain,
i wonder, how can i ever know
which were one time events,
and which happened again?

the tickle fights. those i know,
because they changed over nights
but what about the other things?
did they happen more than
only once? like...like...

like when

i can't even continue writing.
it's too hard