nightmares

nightmares
never ending
favorite, most trusted
friends hurting
me
molesting

i want to wake up
stop the pain
yet sleep pulls me
deeper and deeper
into my worst nightmares
who needs memories of jack
hurting me
to keep me in therapy
when i have my own
messed up mind
creating new pain
every night?

positive post 21

i didn't write at all this week, so this is entirely from memory...

this week i...

~davened some days

~worked four days

~held jack's baby daughter at a family simcha without freaking out

~had two family simchos

~visited with shef

~took my sisters on a trip

~visited with a friend

~worked on my niece's scrapbook

~visited my sis in law

~washed my own hair and stayed grounded while doing it twice, three showers

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~started on a new once a week med, dropped one daily med, and remembered all meds every day

~cleaned my kitchen

next week, even better!

i cannot get the words out
the things i want to say
the worries, the fears, the doubts
that stay with me all day
the aches, soreness, and pains
that will not go away.
every time i see some gains,
they seem to fade away
so it goes, with pains that don't leave
and gains that never stay
as i stare with wonder at this tease...
why bother anyway?

need help understanding something

warning: any comment that attempts to bash the rabbi that said this will NOT be published.

ok, so i'm in the middle of typing the rabbi's answers to some questions from my website. this is the last paragraph of one answer....

"Most siddurim, in krias shema al hamita have a paragraph which begins by declaring forgiveness for anyone who ever harmed me physically or financially. Afterwards, the paragraph continues by asking for forgiveness and help to never sin. It seems that before we can expect forgiveness for our shortcomings, we have to confirm our belief in forgiveness by forgiving others."

less than a month before yom hadin, where does this leave me??

falling

falling back
off track
out of whack

downward trend
round wrong bend
please just end

positive post 20

i was so busy this past week, i didn't have time to write everything down, so it's gonna be a bit on the short side, sorry everyone. but here goes:

this week i...

~said modeh ani every day, shema every day, and davened some days

~went for therapy once, and the psychiatrist once

~remembered my meds every day

~had two really successful showers :)

~went to work four days (my max)

~had two meals most days

~went out for ice cream with a friend

~made challah, did laundry, cleaned my kitchen

~had a friend for (last) shabbos

this week, even better!

positive post

will come next week. sorry folks, a little behind in my work!

shower VI (i think)

psychiatrist visit today

i don't have to go back until november!

positive post 18/19-a little late, sorry everyone!

the last two weeks i...

~remembered modeh ani every day

~remembered my meds almost every day

~davened every day besides one

~went to a shiur almost every day

~ate three meals almost every day

~visited with seven friends on eight seperate occasions, and visited with five relatives/families of relatives on nine separate occasions

~went to a wedding and a bris

~reached 20 days SI free and counting

~went out with my mother and sister and almost every day

~went out with mrs. n almost every day

~got my hair done three times, and two manicures

~spent time with jack's kids without freaking out

~babysat my nieces

~played games with my siblings and mother a whole bunch of times

~helped a friend

~worked on my niece's scrapbook

~showered in someone else's house without freaking out

~cleaned my house

~packed for and unpacked from vacation

next week, even better!!