inner struggle

i shake my leg
and pick my head
tug at my hair
at the ceiling stare
my arms i bite
with myself i fight
"don't do anything worse..."
God get rid of this curse!

shower I

slowly
layer by layer
shirt-shell-bra
skirt-slip-tights
underwear

water pours
drip by drip
soft and gentle
coarse and rough
in a shower near

i look around
and shake in fear

scared

scared to live
scared to die
scared of pain
of lows and highs

scared of dark,
day and night
of me of you
of him of light

to be asleep
to be awake
of being real
of being fake

why

why
am i
always
a wreck
a mess

so gross
no hope
at the end
of my rope

and full
of pain
for myself
disdain

dirty
depressed
sleepless
distressed

looking
for ways
to end
my days?

It I

It comes
in spurt
It pains
It hurts

It pokes
It squeezes
It gets me
in freezes

It comes
inside
It makes
me hide

It has
It's taunts
It tries
to haunt

_____________It works