hope

_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
-
-
---

okay, help me out friends!

which "baskets" are easiest to hold onto?

where should i put my hopes?

i wish

i wish i had a place to be
not full of painful memory
i wish there was a place to go
to see that i have truly grown
i wish i knew a place so safe
to which i could really escape

each room i enter smacks of “then”
“this is where i was when”
“this is the spot on the living room floor”
“that’s where i slept when he opened the door”
“here’s where he stood, that’s where i sat”
“this is where we were when he did that”

of course the pain won’t disappear…
i’ve got reminders everywhere!

the flicker dies out

this is a sequel to "a flicker of hope," read that one first!

these hopeful thoughts were quickly replaced instead
with all my fears returning to my head
like the general fear of being wed
more specifically, a man with me in bed

a tear slowly slipped from my eye
the rest of the night, i texted and cried
cuz i couldn't get the fears from my mind
and that tiny little flicker...died...

a flicker of hope

i started this poem when it happened, on October 29th, but of course i couldn't finish it then!

cauliflower doesn't like cuddling, which is why this incident was so weird,
i decided there had to be a message hidden in it somewhere
for once in my life the message didn't take too long to appear
and now you get to read it, recorded for posterity here.

cauliflower is my toddler niece,
who just couldn't' seem to fall asleep
so i took her out of bed, hoping for some peace,
and we snuggled on the couch, under a fleece.

clutching her toy phone and bottle real tight
she babbled to me, full of delight
it's been such a long time since my heart felt this light
i started predicting a future so bright

a future with children, babies to cuddle,
laughter and joy, splashing in puddles...
a home of my own, to cook in, keep clean,
a caring husband, to share nachas with me...

and somewhere deep inside of me, the feeling grew,
suddenly, i positively knew,
that someday i want this, i really do-
how's that for something out of the blue?

next up: what happened right after this revelation...

The Battle I am Facing

this was written by a man who survived abuse as a child. i do not know his story, but found his poem on pandy's a while back, and he gave me permission to share it. i think it's one of the best descriptions i've ever seen of what it's like trying to heal from the trauma of abuse.

___________

When I was a child, I thought as a child, I acted as a child, I suffered as a child and I was abused as a child.But after I became a man, I DECIDED TO FIGHT BACK

__________
THE BATTLE I AM FACING

___________

I entered in this battle with no basic training or instruction.

Surrounded by so much to fight I faced personal destruction.

I steadfastly refuse to surrender and never will retreat.

Each day I mount a new offensive after knowing real defeat.

________

Propaganda written of this war harms my will to fight,

Exhausted from the constant stress, I toss and turn at night.

Each day I dig a new foxhole for rest along the way.

But sleep is short before I rise to fight another day.

_____

Oft times I feel I am left to war without a battle plan.

I feel I’m fighting all alone and struggle just to stand.

No way to call in air support for mortars or artillery.

I tried reaching out to others but no one answers me.

_____

I lost my entire childhood, my self respect and pride.

My modesty, my dignity and it left me crushed inside.

The hurt, the shame, the humiliation affects me totally.

The guilt and pain of constantly dealing with the memory.

_____

It took me very long to learn but I now clearly see.

A close look at the enemy revealed the enemy is me.

This is something I must deal with, I must conquer it.

No matter how hard the road ahead I faithfully commit.

_____

To not give in, to not give up, to see this battle through.

Till I can know complete deliverance and I can feel brand new.

Each day I bandage up my wounds and determine to fight on

Even when I am so weary and it seems that hope is gone.

_____

I oft review how this war began and try to count the cost.

The casualties are numerous and so much has been lost.

Looking ore this life-long struggle with no victory in view.

In this battle with my emotions, I am a P.O.W
_____

~ Daved