family gathering

i will not flip, or freak, or panic
though my brain is full of static
i'm really not being dramatic
this whole evening's quite traumatic

i really did not want to see him
nor his wife, nor his children
tried to sit there with a grin
on this happy occasion

and then
i left.

i can't look at his daughter's eyes.
they scare me, much to my surprise
there's something in them i recognise
reminding me of my silent cries

and i can't look. i can't see them.
so i left.
and i didn't go back.

foolish coward.

daylight hours

broad daylight
a perfectly safe time
to walk through the streets
after all,
in the middle of the day,
who would start up with me?

i walk quickly
down the avenue,
eyes darting to and fro.
suddenly, a voice calls to me...
"excuse me?"
i look up--

a man sitting in a car.
he must need directions
i stand a few feet away
look at him questioningly
as he says in a loud voice
"don't i know you...

pretty face?"
make a mad dash.
run. run.
RUN!
i'm never
ever
walking through the streets
alone. never again.

NEVER.

no, this one is not a nightmare. black guy, con ed vehicle, in new york. real life.
never again.

alone II

alone
all alone
where are you?
i look
yet see
nothing.
no one.

how can it be
that i have
so many
friends
people who
care
and yet

i feel
so
utterly
alone?

nightmares

note: a few things to remember about this post before you read it:
nightmares are not real. what you are about to read never actually happened to me.
this will be a little disgusting. if you get nauseas easily, or if you get triggered easily, it's not for you.
even though nightmares are not real, and this never did happen, nightmares are a big part of my life.
they make me afraid to go to sleep at night.
they paralyze me when i am awake.
so while this may not be true, in a sense....it is the truth.
some of this may sound like total nonsense.
in a way, it is. i'm not changing it from the way it was written (except correcting spelling errors), and i was not fully awake when i wrote it.
i was just waking up, and writing the beginning while the end was still happening.
if you don't understand it...your loss.


So tired keep falling asleep sick nightmares scaring me waking me up falling asleep again so nauseas from them hurts everything hurts penises and hands and running running where to put the gun touching me swinging in air breasts and vaginas help me
big sicko don’t hide gun listen bigger stronger let him have you no point in running he knows better let him stick himself inside Keep going lick me running running must hide it someone points into room naked men all over screaming ladies hard penis in her face want to leave they all grab me start screaming but laughing hands on penis in face blanket smothering off on off on He says let me play with pussy so cute starts touching playing till wet wipes on my face help me help me help me help me running running no place to hide gun…

enough...

guess who is ready to go home?
guess who cannot go alone?
guess who really had enough,
of smiley, happy, wedding stuff?