Psychiatrists, Therapists, Hospitals, and Money

After a long search, I did find a new psychiatrist. So far, she's been really amazing. But that hasn't stopped me from heading to the hospital twice this year so far. So, Medicare, how many private hospitalization days do I have left now? Don't answer that.

My therapist is amazing. She puts up with so much from me-midnight emails, late payments, missed appointments, and the general hullabaloo that is DID. It sure is messed up.

This week, I had the honor of meeting another part of myself. D has been hovering near the surface for a while. She recently asked a friend of mine to assist my suicide. Now I know why I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago, though the hospital didn't think it was necessary for me to figure out why I was there before letting me go. What's up with that?

There's a new chaplain/pastoral care person in the hospital I usually end up in. I hope that one day she will find this and know how much I appreciate how much she helped me while I was there. It amazes me that a chassidish woman is so open and willing to talk about my issues, without any euphemisms. Thank you Dobra, for all your help!

The grant that has been helping me pay for my therapy for the last year is up now. I don't know how I'm going to continue paying. I wish the people I usually discuss this kind of stuff with were around, but I can't seem to get in touch with anyone.

D is so close to the surface. I really need her to go inside. Somehow, the china plates she is shattering in her safe place is not enough for her. I wish this week were a regular therapy week and she could come out in therapy on Friday, but my next session isn't until Monday.

B had a good time this week building our friend's dresser. He would have been happier with me if we hadn't had to stop in the middle-twice-bit hopefully we'll get to finish it tomorrow and he will be happy with the results.

That's the news in the system.
Safe flying, butterfly friends!

In the crazy world of Little Sheep...

My psychiatrist dropped me. Part of me kind of wishes she would find this post and recognize herself, but I'm not naming her and I doubt she would care enough to look anyway.

Alternative medicine currently reigns supreme while I look for a new doctor: biomagnetic therapy, chiropractics, and vitamins and supplements. Not to worry-I'm still taking regular psychotropic drugs. And in "regular" therapy. Someone offered me free massages cause she needs to practice, I think I'll take her up on it, thank you. Anyone else want to offer me free treatment?

Seriously though, it sucks to not have a doctor in case of an emergency. Also, all my non psychiatric medical conditions are acting up, so more and more of my time is taken up running around to doctors. And I know my weight is creeping up, which totally sucks but is completely my fault for binging.

Welcome back everyone!

What Happened to Wednesday?

I walked for three hours the other day, through the city.
I didn't even notice.
How long it had been, I mean.

I should be almost done my college paper by now.
I'm not sure how many hours I sat here this week.
I don't know what happened to my paper.
I don't even know what it's supposed to be about.
Odd, considering the class is over on Monday.

I woke up this morning, unsure of what day it is.
Okay, that's pretty normal.
But then, I woke up again.
Still pretty normal for me.
But I couldn't figure out what had happened today.
What was from yesterday.
Wait, was yesterday Tuesday?
No, yesterday was Wednesday.
What did I do on Wednesday?
I just woke up.
But I was up before.
What did I do when I was up before?
I can't remember if I got out of bed.
If I picked out my clothes.
I know I was awake.
I talked to my mother.
Or maybe that was yesterday?
I checked my phone.
Today is Thursday.
Is this pile of clothing what I wore yesterday
Or what I picked out today?
Yesterday was Tuesday.
I went to the psychiatrist.
No, wait.
Today is Thursday.
I have a doctor's appointment today.
I better get up for real.
But wasn't it just Tuesday?

My mother asked if I was feeling better today.
Wait. I wasn't feeling well yesterday?
Wasn't it Tuesday that I was cranky?
But today is Thursday.
What happened to Wednesday?
Maybe my phone has the wrong day.
No, my iPod says the same date.
So does my computer.
And my calendar.

What happened to Wednesday?

Web

The web

Of connections

That make things hard

Missing therapy

Cause of medication's

Side effects

Stopping the medicine

Causing returning symptoms

Going on a diet

To lose the weight gained

Getting steroids

To fight the side effects

Of a medicine

I no longer take

Debt

Being in debt

Owing my therapist thousands

Literally thousands

Is so difficult

I think twice about everything

Should I take the bus

Or walk?

Can I buy a new winter coat

Or should I wear the one that's too small?

Is it okay to buy a pack of super cool markers

Or is treating myself wrong

When I owe so much?

I try to contact organizations to help.

I choke on my words as I leave a message

And then don't even hear back.

I get emails back from people that they're "working on it"

But how do I know if I should shoot off a reminder or just wait it out?

To donate to my therapy fund:

http://www.gofundme.com/DIDTherapyFund

Or

Keren Zichron Gedalyahu 

C/O Rabbi Keller

565 East 8th Street

Brooklyn, NY 11218