Sunday, February 1, 2009

don't call the psychiatrist yet.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is stubborn, refusing the help i need.
instead, i want to replace it with a new stubbornness-refusing to give up on myself.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is hurting myself, using every method it can.
instead, i want to replace it with a nurturing part-to take care of me, and give me the love i deserve.
today, i want to kill the pessimist inside of me,
instead, i want to replace it with the optomist i can be.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is pushing you away,
instead, i want to replace it with the part that is begging for a hug.
today, i want to kill the part of me that won't,
instead, i want to replace it with a part that will.

today is almost over, but maybe...
maybe tomorrow, i will.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.

18 comments:

  1. Rebbetzen who keeps spelling her name differentlyFebruary 1, 2009 at 9:33 PM

    YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!

    I'm feeling very proud.

    The day is not over yet. Take it and do something positive in it. You have a few hours left. Know how much you can do in a few hours?

    :-D

    Go for it, girl!

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  2. (((HUGS)))

    I wish you all the hatzlacha in the world replacing the negative parts of you with more positive ones.

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  3. but can i really? i dunno...

    so far, i rearranged teh furniture in my room, which i've been meaning to do for a while cuz my bed broke the heater, ate supper (yay me! one whole meal today...), and wiped down a kitchen counter.

    wht next?

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  4. Don't kill me, but I love this poem :-)

    And yes, you can -- I think that's a great start.

    I wonder if there's some extra inspiration in the air today... I also had that kind of day, where I decided to take a few baby steps in the right direction...

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  5. shef, why would i kill you? you can like whichever poems you want...

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  6. Wow - that poem spoke to me big time. Wish it was at least as quater as easy to do as it is to say. To everyone struggling out there remember although the aim is big it begins with baby steps. Hazlocha

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  7. LS, ....wow. That was so sad and happy at the same time...and if you didn't get what I was saying before I dunno why you'd get it now. All I can say is nyah nyah nyah this is one more (major) proof. :-D

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  8. this is such a positive post! i love the strong voice, the self-confidence and the clarity.

    i wrote a similar piece today (not in poetry though!) all about the reasons i didn't want to speak about my trauma, and the one reason i really, really should.

    it's all about one day at a time, girl, for all of us. the good news is: we CAN be healed. it IS possible to bridge the gap between pain and joy and go on to live a better life.

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  9. FR-thanks

    SD-ok, ok, you win. happy now??

    michelle-thanks. i was nervous to venture into the unknown of the abuse survivors blogs, even though i know i belong there. you're the first person to comment from there...thanks again.

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  10. LS, YES! YES! I am happy! I proved you WRONG! Now you gotta work on it....

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  11. Wow! Your voice is powerful inspiring!

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  12. Wow I really really like that. I hope you don't mind - I would like to link back to this on my blog.

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  13. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this honesty. AND for allowing us to use this post for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Your words are so "right on" about trauma and the results of it.

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  14. heal and forgive-thanks

    enola-not a problem, and thanks.

    marj-no, thank YOU, for using it, and opening an whole new world to me!

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  15. Changing our perceptions from a negative one to a positive one sure is a big part of healing.

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  16. Wow Great poem I could see myself there. Thanks for sharing take care..Mary

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  17. I read this on Enola's blog. It is great. And I am glad I found your blog. I am an incest survivor and our struggles seem similar. I will be back to read your blog often. Thank you for writing this and for struggling to go on and recover. The work to heal is so hard- I am always so happy to find another person who is determined to GET BETTER! Thank you for your blog.
    Jenny

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  18. rising rainbow, mary-thanks...

    artconstellation-wow! thanks for the compliments. i wish i could say that they're all true. welcome aboard...

    LS

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c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?