Thursday, February 12, 2009
dirty
i need to take a shower. if i'm going to keep going out on one day jobs here and there, i have to be clean. so i tell my friend. don't worry, she says. i'll stay with you. i get undressed. don't look. don't look. i'm not looking, don't worry. my hair is dirty. i think it's been two weeks since i washed it. eeww. next thing i know, i'm looking at my body in the shower. my eyes sting from soap. my hands look like raisins they're so waterlogged. that's silly. i haven't been in the shower so long. my hair is wet. there's hair everywhere. on the walls of the shower. so i must have washed it. i can't stay in here anymore. i try to tell my friend that i can't anymore. that it's too hard. but she can't hear me. i think i'm talking loudly. why can't she hair? my eyes sting. i pour soap all over my hand. more soap, more soap, more soap! the soap overflows to the floor. i use it to was my arms. but most of the soap lands in the tub not on me. next thing i know, i'm sitting on the edge of the tub with my phone by my ear. trying to talk. but the words in my head don't reach my lips. are you done? she asks. she can't hear me talk. i put on pajamas and go back to my room. i'm still dirty. can't be that i'm clean cause i didn't wash myself.
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yikes.....sorry! Was just trying to figure out what was going on, I couldn't hear you. I think you washed your hair tho, cuz in middle you told me you did...
ReplyDeleteSorry it was rough! I am proud you did it though!
Continuing thought started in one of my previous comments. Hopefully this doesn't hurt you and stop me right away if if it does.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought that your trauma could've grown up during the therapy times? I.e. therapy just helped it to become such a wild animal inside of you instead of killing it?
me-stop being so proud! :(
ReplyDeleteBTS-i don't know what my therapy has done for me over the years. some therapies/ists have helped me somewhat (for a while i was able to travel more on my own than i can now, and stuff like that), some have been harmful (i would come home from therapy and practically need suicide watch for the night), and some have done nothing at all. now i'm in a therapy that doesn't focus on the past at all. i'm still having difficulty with everything. it's just a matter of the figuring out how to make therapy work best for me.
LS, I can't help it. I think your great and you inspire me. Sorry....
ReplyDeletewell then, be proud to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLS, since we don't know each other (unlike 'me') I could be proud of you openly without being afraid you will punish me for that. Seriously whenever you do any progress you make other people be proud in you since they believe in you and care about you much
ReplyDeleteSmile :)
SD, i meant i don't want to hear about it.
ReplyDeleteBTS, whether someone knows me or not doesn't really make a difference. i don't like hearing about people being proud of me. if i was five years old, it wouldn't matter. i think these are dumb things to be proud of an adult for doing. (that just sounds off. i can't get it to come out the way i want it to.)
Well, I know and felt what you mean may be not as much as you, but have some experience. However this is not a regular case when people proud for someone bringing nice Dvar Torah - in most cases that would be dumb. Not here though. This proudness is not expressed just to cheer you and not for sarcasm. It is one of possible ways of giving you more heads up on continuing your progress at the same level and to give you more confidence in yourself to fight what you have to fight with.
ReplyDeleteNoone of most of people reading your blog have experienced anything even close to what you have experienced for past many years so not everyone knows which handle to pull to really help you. Expressing proud is one of those handles that everyone can pull and add at least something to the wanted effort in helping you.
Hope this makes sence.
"dumb things to be proud of an adult for doing" - that's the case in ANY emotional disorder. you learn to get over it and celebrate your own triumphs. but that's why I would never share mine with anyone else, I know they wouldn't understand. I only tell my therapist and very occasionally post it on a support site - because honestly, being praised by a bunch of Internet nobody's does nothing for me.
ReplyDeleteBTS-i hear you
ReplyDeleteanonymous-actually, quite a few of the people commenting here are people who know me irl. in a way, my blog is like my own personal support site, where i get to tell my friends how i'm doing. my other point is awareness. (if you don't mind choosing a name for yourself though, and typing it in when you comment, it helps me keep track of who's who. like, are you the same anonymous as the one who asked about my meds?)