door

He's here for a visit,
My door has no lock.
A chair under the knob,
Makes everyone knock.

My sister comes to the door,
She'd like to come in please,
"Not right now! I'm busy"
But she begs and pleads.

Of course, he must take up her cause,
He slams into the door.
Whoops! There goes the knob-
My door now locks no more.

We all know it's not HIS fault,
I shouldn't have put in the chair!
And yet we must remember who
I'm REALLY trying to keep out of here...

So now I've learned my lesson,
Should have learned it years ago,
There's no such thing as a safe place,
There's nowhere I can go.

memories of a bunkbed II

The game is done for tonight-
He ends with just one more request-
Please will I sleep with nothing on
Now that it's time for my nightly rest?

spiders II

The spider crawls
______up my leg
______down my arm
______across my back
______through my hair
______around my neck
______below my waist
______over my shoulder
__________why won't it just
______________________Go Away?

memories of a bunkbed I

The bunkbed is high
And he is so tall
No bars beside me
To keep me from a fall.

I'm already in pajamas
He's here to say "good night"
But we both know he really came
To have a tickle fight

Looking from the surface
It may seem just a game
And maybe for others it is,
Maybe they do the same.

As I lay in bed, he stands on the floor
And on the count of three
He starts our special game-
He begins tickling me

As the game progresses
I laugh and laugh some more
But as it changes over time...
I don't like it anymore!

First is the problem of stopping,
He just doesn't seem to know when
Next is the problem of where
He tickles me, and then

Come the other changes
He begins to slowly add
(Just thinking about them now
makes me boiling mad!)

He wheedles and cajoles me,
Night, after night, after night
To take off my pajamas
for "just one tickle fight"

Once I give in to that
Instead of getting better
The demands are more specific
To the point, to the letter.

This time it's my underwear
He wants to do without
And because I am so young...
I do not think to shout.

spiders I

when the spiders come
they do what they want
and go where they want
and i can’t stop them

i cry, and call a friend
she stays with me while
i cry and complain
i have nothing nice to say.

i bite my hand. over the
phone, no one can tell that
my fist is stuck inside
my mouth and i hurt.

i try to scratch myself
to brush them away
but my body thinks
my hand is another one.

then, my mind wanders
and i can’t tell what
happened, what i read
and what’s my imagination.

but my body reacts
with more spiders
as though it’s all
happening to me now.

fear

i lie and feel the sensations
run through my body
i can’t control them
they come on their own
leave only when they want
so i wait and hope
that this too shall pass

scandal

We sit at the table and
my brother asks did
you hear about the
scandal in the yeshiva?

A man is claiming that
a member of the
faculty molested him
when he was a boy.

He wants $20 million
so the acusee fled
the country. It
hasn’t yet made it
to the courts.

Then he says Avi
____ won’t believe it
really happened until
he’s shown evidence.

So another brother asks
does he believe it
about his own
father?

Avi’s father has been
asked to leave every
shul in the neighborhood
except one because

many boys in the area
over many years
have been molested
by him. and all

the boys in the neighborhood
know not to hang
around near him
because he’s dangerous

why does God let
these horror stories
continue in our
community?

the pit

falling in a deep dark pit
keep on going lower
don’t know how to leave it
speed won’t get any slower
look at at the world so black
need help to pull me through
try to get my courage back
by calling a friend or two
don’t talk at all just cry and cry
while all my friends cajole
but although so hard they try
can’t make me leave my hole
chew some gum, stretch my foam
read a book, punch a pillow
color black, write a poem
what will help, never know
when every idea’s been tried
from the beginning start again
but my brains are so very friedjust wish it all would end.

pencil

i stand cowering
by the kitchen window
while he yells because i
threw a pencil
into a bedroom so
he won’t throw it out.
he screams
_______you’ve cause me enough
_______problems already and
_______if you cause
_______any more
_____you’ll regret it.

______________i’m scared.
______________so i don’t try.

memories

sitting on the floor
while he’s sitting on a chair
he instructs i obey
memories…get out of here…

on the floor, in the hall
my memory is blank
no one’s home, we’re all alone…
at least that’s what i think.

half asleep, the door opens
while i lie here in bed
i feel his presence as he enters
hair and face too close, so red.

a matress, on the living room floor
on a friday night so late
memory’s dim, but it isone of those i hate.

blank mind I

why was i in that room?
was anyone else at home?
how old was i? night or day?
all these things i do not know...

i'm on the bed...lying down...
he's on me. it hurts. NOOOO
"I just want to try something," he says
i'm crying.
what is he doing? what is he trying?
i don't know. i don't know.
i never will.
i think...
get off get off get off

engaged

Another girl engaged. I smile, I'm so glad.
I say I am anyhow, but inside...I feel bad.
After every details said, and I hang up my phone,
My thoughts can now flow freely, now that I'm alone...
How can she know that he's okay?
I know, she checked in every way!
But there are so many things to hide,
That no one out there will ever find!
You cannot find every detail of his history and past,
I know boys whose sectets they think (know?) are sure to last!
There is one-a "big bad wolf," whom I know quite well,
He's married now, to a lovely wife, with two small boys, how swell!*
But what will be when she finds out, his secrets so well hidden,
Of all the horrid things he did as a teen that are forbidden?
Most deeds are forgivable, yes that I know is true,
But you wouldn't marry someone like my "brother," would you?
And who's to say that your husband, chassan, fiancee,
Is not just like this "lovely boy" in every single way?
I guess it won't be long now, before no one else amongst my friends,
Is not dating, married or engaged, and there I'll meet my end.
I know I'll never marry, get engaged, or start to date,
Cause by the time my fears are gone, it will just be too late...
______________________________________________i too late...
______________________________________________i too late...

*he now has two sons, and a daughter, not just sons...keep her in mind in your prayers, friends!

explosion

i sit on my mothers bed
on this fateful, horrid day
thinking of all i have to do
cause Pesach's on the way.

i'm looking out the window,
suddenly i feel a chill
what i've done before, when i
was cold, now i also will.

i pull my hands in through my sleeves
and sitting quite against the wall,
as i cross my arms over my chest
turn and hear him call.

he shuts the door behind him
sits next to me (so sweet)
and says "you know you've grown a lot!
now isn't that so neat?

oh please, can i take a look
what's underneath your shirt, so nice?"
but i'm a few years older now,
so i think not once, but twice.

i'm shaking in a voice unsure
but growing stronger by the minute
i say "but my big brother,
don't you know it's private?"

he tries to cajole me at first,
but i tell him i don't let
his face puckers in a frown
he's getting angry! he's upset!

he tugs my shirt, i push him
he's bigger, older, stronger!
i try to push my arms back out
can't take it any longer!

i'm crying and i'm screaming
there's no one near to hear
i yell "i'll soon call mommy!"
and i see him pause in fear.

"please, little sheep, i'll buy you
a cheese danish if you don't!"
i grab his arm and bite it hard
so i can't say "ok, i won't!"

the doorbell rings, i hear a shout
somebody's here for him
i pick up the phone to make that call
while he goes to let them in.

memories of lace

while lying on my old bed
trying hard to fall asleep
i close my eyes real tight
please Hashem! no
dreams! but still...
here they come...

"please, pretty please?" his face all puckered
in question. how can i say
no? "i don't like it!" i
want to SCREAM...but
here we go again
why?
why do i always laugh?!
it's not funny..
oh, how i hate my
body's instincts...

"aren't these pretty? they'll fit...
won't you please try them on?
for me?" but...
i hesitate-underwear shouldn't
have holes. besides
i don't know. do
other girls do this
________for their older brothers?