nerves IV

eyes tearing
legs shaking
head aching

so scared...
feel like hurting myself.
i won't. i WON'T!

erev yom kippur

on erev yom kippur, he calls me from yeshiva. i don't want to talk to him, but i take the phone anyway.

"little sheep," he says in his gruff voice, "do you forgive me?" he doesn't even say for what he's asking forgiveness.

ever since i was three years old, i've been taught in school that if we don't forgive the people who harmed us, then when we ask Hashem to forgive us, He won't forgive us either. what choice does that leave me? "yeah," i mumble quickly, and hang up the phone...

6/28/2009, years and years later...have i really forgiven him at all?

positive post 12

this week i....

~said modeh ani and shema every day

~davened every day

~visited with friends 6 times

~remembered my meds every day

~went to a shiur

~ate breakfast almost every day, and supper every day

~had therapy over the internet (way cool!)

~took care of my cousins' kids twice

~reached one month, 26 days SI free

~the rest of my stuff is happening after the computer gets shut down today, so it'll have to wait til next week!

It IX

slowly...
it goes...
leaves...
peace...
serenity...
calmness...
finally...
i can breathe...
sleep...
rest...
relax...

praying...
hoping...
it will last...
please...
please...

positive post 11

this week i...

~said modeh ani in the morning and shema at night every day

~remembered my meds, morning and night, every day

~davened 5 days

~reached one month, 18 days SI free, and

~ate two or more meals 6 days

~cleaned my kitchen

~took my sisters shopping twice, for ice cream once, and for slurpees once

~went walking with my father once

~went for therapy twice, once with a man!!

~visited with *me* and two other friends

~had a friend over once

~went to two weddings

~made a cheesecake for my mother

~two showers

~got my hair done twice and a manicure without freaking

great news!

i don't have to go back to the psychiatrist for two months!!

:-)

positive post 10

this week i...

~reached one month, eleven days SI free
~remembered my meds every day
~read my CBT book almost every day
~went to a shiur
~visited with friends
~showered three times
~davened something every day
~subbed three days

and other stuff that i can't post here :-)

goals 6/7-13

physical
~shower three times
~bed before midnight
~remember meds

spiritual
~modeh ani every morning
~shema twice a day

emotional
~therapy twice
~read three pages of my CBT book every day

roundness

therapeutic definition: all the feelings you feel at a given moment, even if they are polar opposites. (like when you feel hopeful, anxious, happy, and sad all at once

positive post 9

this week i...

~remembered modeh ani (8 cuz of shavuos)

~remembered meds (8 mornings, 8 nights)

~showered (3 times)

~completed one month, 4 days no SI, and 2 weeks no picking

~got my hair cut and a manicure without freaking out, and then a wash and blow today, also no freaking out

~subbed twice

~therapy twice, psychiatrist once

~went walking with a friend

~had three friends over :-) (thanks everyone!)

~helped my sister with a school project

~went to a family simcha, and saw jack without freaking out

~had *me* over for a night (plus!)

mixed emotions...thanks rebbetzen!

because, despite

because
of the urges that i've had
in the past, i've hurt myself

despite
the urges that i've had
i have grown to take care of myself

because
of the abuse that i endured
i have always hated myself

despite
the abuse that i endured
i will grow to love myself

despite
the love that God shows me
i have pushed Him away in the past

because
of the love that God shows me
i am growing despite my past