therapy journal 17

had a really bad day today, my own fault, cuz i was a lazy bum. i was ok the whole day though, stayed a five. good night world!

therapy journal 16

had a really nice shabbos. woke up a five or so, and stayed that way til seuda shelishis. then, i got triggered, but managed to stay grounded and calm, and still enjoy myself. now i'm a six, (my own fault that i went up again) but working on staying there. not sure that i can get myself lower on my own...help?

therapy journal 15

today was a really good day. stayed a five all day.

therapy journal 14

the wedding went ok last night. just got home very late, so i overslept (again!) this morning. had therapy today, i guess it went ok. woke up a five, went up to a six in the middle of the day, and now i'm not sure what i am.

therapy journal 13

woke up late again, temp was a 5. 5 now too. had a boring day at work, but spent some time with E on the way home. went over to L tonight, had a really nice time. tomorrow is the wedding-i get to see T#6! i'm so excited! (note rolling eyes) heading to bed now

therapy journal 12

had a really good day today. stayed a five all day. went to work, then went out to eat with c and tb and my mom.

therapy journal 11

been a five all day :-) didn't do much with myself, just a little shopping, but it was a good day in general. not in the mood for work tomorrow though. i'm surprised at my good temp, cuz had a really hard night last night. heard that therapist #6 is gonna be at a wedding at the same time as me later this week, and i'm really nervous, even though she's legally not allowed to let on that she knows me...

therapy journal 10

woke up a six again. overtired, didn't sleep well at all, so i overslept again this morning. haven't slept well in a few nights. work wasn't too bad, but i still wish i didn't have to go. going to shef for shabbos, so not ready. can't think of what i need to take along!! now i'm a five, so at least i'm doing better than i was. will post more after shabbos i guess.

therapy journal 9

woke up a six today. basically stayed that way all day. now i'm a seven, not sure why. been shaking since i got out of the shower. had g over in the morning, then went to work.

therapy journal 8

woke up late again this morning. was a six when i woke up. last night was really hard, i fell backwards in my sleeping habits. went to work, boring as usual. really didn't want to go at all. went out shopping with shef and a. and then played boggle. a says i look awful. well, not in those words, but when i said my eyes are starting to look glazed and dead again, she did agree. heading to bed, gonna do some grounding there-i'm a seven now.

therapy journal 7

overslept again today. woke up at around a five, which was pretty ok. work was boring, as usual. then went for therapy. it's getting harder and harder. right now i'm a six, not too bad. feel myself going up though. everything feels like a pressure now. just thinking about going to work tomorrow is making me wanna cry. thinking about doing anything right now makes me wanna cry. we have company downstairs, people who i probably won't have another chance to see in a really long time, and i can't even bring myself to go down and spend some time with them. i'm hungry, and i have no energy to go find food. i'm tired, which makes no sense. i've barely been up for eleven hours. must ground myself...

little girl

my little girl is crying
it's so hard for her
"don't you know the danger
in this?" she asks...

my little girl is shaking
it's so hard for her
"don't you know you
shouldn't talk?" she asks...

my throat closes up
squeezes shut
tighter! tighter!
as my little girl tries
to clamp it shut...

therapy journal 6

woke up very late today. was a five in the morning. had a boring day at work-i like my job less every day, even though i'm very busy there now. now i'm a six. not sure why. i wish i knew :-(

therapy journal 5

not sure what i was earlier today. now i'm really nervous, probably at a six or so. i need to ground myself, but need to shower first. feel him touching me. went to the psychiatrist today, we changed my meds. again. but it went ok. got new glasses after.

therapy journal 4

had a really nice shabbos with *me* and shef. l came over in the afternoon, had a nice time. woke up around a four/five, which is pretty good, now i'm closer to a six/seven, not sure why. went out for ice cream after shabbos, now i really need the treadmill. really nervous to go to the doctor tomorrow, maybe that's why my temp went up? need to make some changes in my meds, not sure how i feel about it.

therapy journal 3

had a pretty good morning. i overslept-why am i so tired these days?-but i managed to help around the house before i left for work. now i'm home, and should be working. this morning, i think i was a four, now i'm a five. will write more later.

therapy journal 2

today i was a steady four almost the whole day. which is a pure miracle, cuz i didn't do anything different today than yesterday or the day before, until i got home. i've been playing music steadily ever since i got home. work was boring, as usual. nothing else to say

therapy journal

i'm supposed to journal every night this week. i have nothing to say. the guests left. but my sister still has stuff in my room. right now i'm at a six. still want to hurt myself, but trying really hard not to. been thinking about the hospital a lot. i don't want to go in, especially with my cousin's wedding getting closer. working on staying out...must work more on my grounding. i discovered a new way to stay grounded tonight: word association game. (thanks 1sheep!!)

falling

FALLING, FALling
lower, lower
must get up,
must be stronger
i can't do this
on my own...

*internet friends
are not what i need
my real life friends
are great indeed
but they can't do
enough for me

narrative

working on my narrative now in therapy. it's hard work. a lot of talking about things i'd rather not think about. therapist transcribing every word i say-literally. i'm itching to write a poem...about anything, but especially about this experience, but it's just not working. i have major writer's block going on here.

so just letting you all know that i'm ok, really.