Birthday Fundraiser

This year, for my birthday, I have a goal. I want to pay my therapist and psychiatrist each $1,000 of what I owe them. I owe my therapist around $6,000 and my psychiatrist at least $2,000.

It's not fair to them! They work so hard for me. They give me sliding scale rates, and I still don't manage to pay. (Right now, I rely on social security for my income, and it doesn't even cover my rent...)

Here are a few ways you can help!

Purchase a bag or t-shirt, with custom suicide awareness art! I created this piece with the help of Cella Schieffelin, who kindly provided free graphics help. You can purchase those here!

I have fundraising accounts on two different platforms: GoFundMe and TheChesedFund. Donations through either of those are greatly appreciated! Use the one that you are most comfortable with.

Another way to donate is to mail a check to me made out to one of my providers. For information on how to do this, please email me at abusehurtme at gmail dot com.

And of course, cash donations can be accepted. If you know me personally and wish to donate this way, please use your preferred method of communicating with me!

I will try to post after my birthday (September 19th) to give you all an update on how I've been doing! For now, I would like this to be the first thing people see when they get to my blog.

Care Coordinators

The difference between having a care manager who tries, and who does research, and one who doesn't:

Old care manager (OCM): oh, good. You have an apartment to live in
New care manager (NCM): you're rent is how much? Your SSD is how much? That doesn't work. Let's apply for supportive housing

OCM: here are 15 numbers you should call to see if you can get medical transportation
NCM: I'm faxing a form to your doctor so you can get medical transportation. I filled out everything that doesn't need to be filled out by a physician.

OCM: if you need someone to come to your apartment more than once a month, you need to switch to a program with a higher level of care. 1 year later: oh, you don't qualify for that program we talked about last July
NCM: I can meet with you once month, but you clearly need more support. Let's fill out an application for program x.

That's just from two meetings with NCM.

May-Mental Health Awareness Month

My history is long, and if you read this blog in general, you know most of it.

But here are some updates:

Recently got putt of the hospital for the third time in 7 or so months. Ouch. But you know what? It was worth it.

Because my mental health is worth taking care of.

I have some new diagnosis. But you know what? It's worth it.

Because if you know what's going on and put a name to it, you can treat it.

So yeah, not working, owing money, and being in constant treatment sucks...but its worth it.

My mental health is worth it.

I'm worth it.

Pesach Psych Songs

I can't believe I haven't posted these yet...

Chasal Siddur Psych Ward:

Chasal sidur psych ward
according to the rules
We don’t understand them all
And they are far from few

We are zoche to take so many meds
And have people check on us as we lie in bed
In this psych ward we entertain ourselves
This place rocks we think it’s really swell

Chasal…

We get into fights over the remote
Sometimes we regret that we ever spoke
Our day runs according to our meals
Some people get them served on four wheels

Chasal…

We wait for the doctor to sign us out of here
We wait and we wait for the signal “all clear”
But we know that this is a revolving door
As we walk out someone’s coming in for sure
 
From the Psych Ward:

In the psych ward we lose our sense of time
One day flows into the next like spilling wine
So we sit and count the days
So we can get the through this dark phase
In the psych ward, in the psych ward

From the psych ward we will be let out
You will help us go, we don’t have a doubt
Everyone will hear our shouts
From the psych ward we are out,
From the psych ward, from the psych ward

From the psych ward, You will rescue us
You always hear us, whether or not we fuss
So because of all our tears
You have come to calm our fears
From the psych ward, from the psych ward

From the psych ward we will be released
You will have conquered all of our beasts
You swept our scares and fears away
Turned them into light of day
From the psych ward, from the psych ward
 
Ma Nishtana, Psych Ward version:

Doctor, Sir (or ma’am) I would like to ask you the four questions….

Mah nishtana hamakom hazeh, mikol hamekomos?
Why is this place different from all other places?

The first question is
Sheb’chol hamekomos
We are free to come and go
B’makom hazeh
If we ask, the answer is usually no.

The second question is
Sheb’chol hamekomos
If you’re sick you take medicine yourself
B’makom hazeh
You get scanned and they’re handed.

The third question is
Sheb’chol hamekomos
You have one bedroom and you keep it
B’makom hazeh
You never know when they will switch it

The fourth question is
Sheb’chol hamekomos
If you want quiet you shut off the noise
B’makom hazeh,
It requires negotiation

Now doctor, sir will you please answer my very important questions…
 
Dayenu:

If you had given us some shelter
But had not given us some “toiletries”
Would still have been pleased
Dayeinu

If you had given us some “toiletries”
But not given us scrubs and socks
We would still think you rock
Dayenu

If you had given us scrubs and socks
But not given us endless TV time
We would still write this rhyme
Dayenu

Day, Dayeinu…

If you had given us endless TV time
But not given us really strange meals
We would still believe it’s real
Dayeinu (*ask me to explain this…really funny story!)

If you had given us really strange meals
But not scanned our bands for meds
We would still want this read
Dayeinu

If you had scanned our bands for meds
But ignored our knocks on the door
We would still appreciate you more,
Dayeinu

Day, Dayeinu…

If you had not ignored our knocks on the door
But had asked us how we are
We would still have come this far
Dayeinu

If you had asked us how we are
But not swept and cleaned the floors
We would still have strength at the core
Dayeinu

If you had swept and cleaned the floors
But not believed that we’d get better
We would still write this letter
Dayeinu

Day, Dayeinu….

See Him

Don't you see him?
He's right here!
How can you see me
But not the
Person pushing down
Crushing
Suffocating
Tearing me apart?

Shrink

Shrink inside
Hide
Shrivel up
And die.