go away

feet in a pretzel
i sit on my heel
trying to get rid of
the pain i feel

i open my mouth
the order i say
telling the pain
"Go Away!"

why should it listen
to little old me?
just cuz this
is my body?

my hand grips the mattress
i try hard to breathe
but the pain just goes further,
deeper underneath.

Go Away Pain!
Get Out Of Here!
why don't you **** off?
Just disappear!

i can't any longer
it's getting too hard
the pain in my body
my mind, and my heart

enough with you!
good riddance! goodbye!
(why doesn't this work
however hard i try?)

nerves III

i don't wanna go
to the institute tomorrow
wanna lie down in my bed
curled up under my covers instead

not that anyone is really giving me a choice.
why can't i just listen to my shaking inner voice?
it's telling me to run away, to hide,
fears exploding from deep inside
what can they really do for me?
NOTHING! NOTHING! don't they see?!
don't they see the pain exploding?
don't they see my brain's imploding?
no longer can i take the pain
driving me so mad, insane
head is spinning, keeps on whirling,
round and round my thoughts are swirling
heart says "bite!"
brain says "fight!
ignore those urges with all your might!"
images appear in flashes
this is me before all crashes
in the morning will i wake?
put on a smile, bright and fake?
or will i refuse to rise,
till mother threatens, "otherwise..."

i know what i need right this second. and there's no way i'm gonna be able to get it. not while i'm holed up in my house, away from...everyone.
and so, i'm stuck. i will continue to suffer...alone.

mumbai

i'm a little slow at getting to it, i know.
that's cuz i'm a little nervous to post about it.
so i only intend to leave this up for 24 hours.
get your comments in...fast!

mumbai hit a little close to home. i know relatives of one of those killed, and let's just say they were taking it more than a little hard. my family was getting practically a minute by minute update on what was going on. somber...doesn't begin to describe the mood, the atmosphere.

and then...there's little sheep. i'm about to shatter any perception you may have of me (if there are any readers left who have such a perception anyhow) as a stable minded, intelligent, strong individual.

little sheep stares at her ceiling and says "wow. they're so lucky. off to a better place...a better world. they have no questions. they see why this is good. they don't need to worry about where the next blow will come from. they're so lucky...why don't these things happen to me?"

so now you have it folks.
headline news.
"Little Sheep Finds Something New To Be Jealous Of! Victims Of Terror In Mumbai!"
and you all tell me i'm strong, courageous, and loveable?

yelling at me is fine. just don't yell too loud. you might wake up the dead!

well, i'm not so scared anymore...
thanks everyone. maybe i will keep this up...(shef i and aba/ema of 4...extra thanks to you!!!!)

not now...please...not now!

beyond triggered.
a whole speech about marriage.
why am i here?
the thoughts going through my head...
it's definitely a "where's the log off button on my brain?" moment.

it's hurting a lot.
ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts...
it hurts everywhere....my whole body! make it go away...
please...

i don't want to hear this.
not now.
i don't want to hear about yaakov spending 14 years in shem ve'ever...on torah marriage classes.
i don't want to hear about how yaakov hadn't yet fulfilled the mitzvah of p'ru u'revu.
i don't want to hear about how many hours of kallah classes is considered a lot.
not now.
maybe in a few years.
but...but...not now!

it's hurting!
take me away!

my body is going haywire. i can't deal with the pain!
i thinkn i really need to read "recreating yourself" and teach myself how to consciously dissociate. cuz i can't stay here anymore.

no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no

don't talk to me about yaakov meeting rochel. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!
i don't want to hear this! NOT NOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PLEASE NO! NOT NOW! I CAN'T HEAR THIS! NOT NOW! please...please...please take me away. please...please...please stop. i can't listen. no more. i'm gonna focus only on my writing. what should i write about? i can't even think about anything but what's going on around me. my brain is such a mush i can't focus.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words. i will not let myself panic. they're just words.

for goodness sakes! he's talking about something that happened more than 3000 years ago! why is it affecting me so much?!

STOP! PLEASE STOP!

why now rabbi? why now?

remind me next week. maybe i shouldn't come.

the real me

sometimes i wonder-
which is the real me?
is it the me who
laughs with you so normally?
or is it the me
who lies in bed staring
and wondering when
it'll finally be morning?
is it the me who
talks about futures full of hope?
or is it the me who
tries to breathe...but chokes?

really, they're all me, but none are me.
when i laugh with you...the pain leaves. for just a few seconds. but when the joke's over, the laughters gone. i remember once in high school, one of my friends got annoyed at me, sat down right next to me and started straight into my eyes. (don't try this at home...) "smile!" she ordered. somehow, for a few short lived seconds, i saw the humor in it, and i did smile. but i also remember the choked back sob when the smile faded and she said "don't stop!" but it was too late-the smile was gone...

the physical sun rises and sets daily, and yet, every night (see what time i'm writing this?) i lie in bed and stare at all my inspirational signs and posters (which don't seem to be doing their jobs...) and wonder, will my morning ever come?

hope? what's that?

and breathing...i try that all the time. i'm not usually very successful at relaxed breathing

so really, if you think about it, who is the real me?