the real me

sometimes i wonder-
which is the real me?
is it the me who
laughs with you so normally?
or is it the me
who lies in bed staring
and wondering when
it'll finally be morning?
is it the me who
talks about futures full of hope?
or is it the me who
tries to breathe...but chokes?

really, they're all me, but none are me.
when i laugh with you...the pain leaves. for just a few seconds. but when the joke's over, the laughters gone. i remember once in high school, one of my friends got annoyed at me, sat down right next to me and started straight into my eyes. (don't try this at home...) "smile!" she ordered. somehow, for a few short lived seconds, i saw the humor in it, and i did smile. but i also remember the choked back sob when the smile faded and she said "don't stop!" but it was too late-the smile was gone...

the physical sun rises and sets daily, and yet, every night (see what time i'm writing this?) i lie in bed and stare at all my inspirational signs and posters (which don't seem to be doing their jobs...) and wonder, will my morning ever come?

hope? what's that?

and breathing...i try that all the time. i'm not usually very successful at relaxed breathing

so really, if you think about it, who is the real me?