Sunday, December 7, 2008
vicious cycle
the cycle of pain...
i'm in pain.
my body is reliving pains-
unless the pains are not related
to memories,
but to imagination.
no way to know
which is true.
so i hurt myself.
nothing takes away the pain
the way self-injury does.
i push myself harder and harder
to hurt myself more and more
so the pain should go away...
but it hurts
to hurt myself.
so i stop hurting.
deep breath.
but...
if i'm not hurting myself,
why am i in
such pain?
what is this hurt
that won't go away?
i've got to make it stop...
how?
what can i do to take away
the pain?
well, if i hurt myself,
It can't hurt me.
so i hurt myself.
more than before.
for longer.
and fantasize about
all the other ways
i can hurt myself
and cause myself pain
things i've never done
before.
but causing myself pain...
hurts.
i must stop...
if i stop hurting myself again,
It will come back
and hurt me.
but if i continue to hurt myself
then i'll still be in pain.
i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i hurt
i stop
It hurts
i...
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You describe it so well. Everyone who doesn't understand SI should read this. Then again, they probably still wouldn't understand...
ReplyDeleteno, no one would understand, really. but i gotta try...
ReplyDeleteDespite what 'shef i' says, this post has given me a deeper undrstanding of what goes through the mind of one who SI and how hard it must be to break this cycle. I now appreciate the tremendous effort involved to stop and those who do resist on occasions, be it hours, days or even hopefully weeks have definately risen in my esteem. Thank for the insight, I learnt!
ReplyDeleteyay! that means that i'm actually posting for someone besides my dear shef i! thanks FR! (nothing against you shef i, but...)
ReplyDeleteOf course you are - u should put a stat on and see how many visits u get! Just sometimes people may not have the words or know what to say.
ReplyDeletethe only problem with that method is that it doesn't really show what people think. just that someone clicked on my blog. someone can click on it and think that it's just someone's very vivid imagination!
ReplyDeleteyes...you're posting for many many people..
ReplyDeleteSometimes..theres just nothing to say..
so we
sigh.
little one. i hear you.
ReplyDeletei hear me too in there.
(did that just make any sense?!)
david-thanks
ReplyDeletedb-(hey, that looks cool! ;) it makes a lot of sense...
I think there are quite a few people reading this. Not everyone who reads blogs comments, especially if they feel they don't have anything to add.
ReplyDeleteAs for understanding, while it's true that I don't actually feel your pain quite like you do, I really do think I understand fairly well. When you care about someone, it helps to try to understand. And I think most people can relate to most other people on some level. I find a lot of myself in many of your posts, even though I have not been through the same experiences as you. There's often some kernel in there that strikes an awfully familiar note...
It is so bad. And it so difficult to fight it.
ReplyDeleteI tried putting my wrists under cold water, taking a very cold shower, putting pepper or a hot spice on my tongue, breaking china (specially bought for this purpose)...
But if it helps???
angry, all those are very good ideas...for someone who is not usually frozen in bed when she SIs. but thanks...maybe i'll be able to use them someday!
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that this really explains SI so well and anyone who doesn't understand what it's all about or the psycology behind it should read this.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely helped me understand how someone who wants to hurt themselves thinks...