spiders IV

spiders crawling up my back,
down they go, along the track,
straight into my underwear,
how i wish they'd disappear.

along my arms, here come more,
i know what they have in store,
they want me to do their will,
until i do, they won't be still.

positive post III

this week i...

~cooked lunch for my family (one day)

~cleaned for pesach

~ate two meals (four days)

~walked around the block with my sister (thanks for the idea, rebitzen!)

~volunteered in a school (two days)

~went out for ice cream (thanks shef & *me*!)

~went out with a friend (thanks friend!)

~emailed a bunch of rabbis and therapists

~went to a shiur (thanks shef!)

~went out to eat with my mother and brother

~finished therapy with therapist #9

~got my hair done

~read a book, just because

this stupid body

i hate this stupid body,
and all it represents.
the shape, the size, the nature,
all this i resent.

i hate this stupid body,
i hate the way it feels,
the way it reacts when tickled,
with "happy," laughing squeels.

i hate this stupid body,
the memories it holds,
i hate all the sensations,
tingling hots and colds.

i hate this stupid body,
the way it shakes and quivers,
how when someone touches,
they leave me here in shivers.

i hate this stupid body,
that listens to my mind
telling me to hurt myself,
it's really so unkind.

i hate this stupid body,
and all it represents.
the shape, the size, the nature,
all this i resent.

explosion III

my therapist is nice. she's been my therapist for almost two years already. she comes to my house to pick me up, and takes me to someone else's office. it's different than hers. in her office, there are games and art supplies. this is not a kid friendly office at all. in some ways, i don't care. i'm not a kid anymore.

i sit down in the swivel chair. spinning, spinning, spinning. faster, faster, faster. answering questions while i spin. aren't you dizzy, she askes? i don't care, i answer. spinning, spinning, spinning. faster, faster, faster. when i walk out, i don't remember what we talked about.

she drops me off at home. i pack a bag, and go back to my cousin's house. i'm going to sleep there. i can't sleep in the same house as jack. i bring along my stuffed gorilla. no one my age sleeps with a stuffed animal anymore, and i'm embarrassed. but i bring it anyway. i need it to sleep. i don't even know why i like gorilla. its fur is scratchy. plus, once someone put him on top of a lamp, so some of his fur is burnt off. i'm happy when no one notices that i brought him along. i leave my stuff on the extra bed. my cousin's little daughter has to sleep on the floor because of me. it's not really so extra. if this was a regular sleepover, we wouldn't care. like this, i'm embarrassed, and she's a little resentful. she's only seven, why wouldn't she be?

in the morning, i go back home. i need to help get ready for the seder like everyone else. but i go back to my cousin every time i need a break. one time that i come over, i hear a shriek, and see something black and furry fly out the window. one of the kids saw black fur on the bed, and out of fear that it was a real animal, picked it up and threw it. it lands outside in a mud puddle. now, i don't have a stuffed animal anymore.

explosion II

read my first explosion post first for the beginning...

i dial the number with trembling fingers. it's a good thing there's a phone practically in front of my face. i wish it were a cordless though, so i wouldn't have to stay there, right next to the bed. we don't have a cordless phone though.

my mother picks up the phone, and i start crying. at first, she's not too worried. it's not the first time i've called her upset today. earlier, there was a fight about breakfast. so she doesn't worry that i'm upset. i've always carried my bad moods for a long time, so why should today be any different? it doesn't make it good or anything, but it's life. that's why i'm still in therapy, even though the original made up issues that brought me in are long gone. when i tell her that jack was trying to take my shirt off though, i really shock her. she tells me to get out of the house, and run to my cousin CE's house.

i'm crying. he comes back upstairs. the person at the door only had to give him a package. or maybe pick one up. he looks really angry. i'm scared. i hear my mother tell me to put jack on the phone. i can barely choke out the words. "mommy wants to talk to you." and then i run out of the house.

i get to my cousin's house faster than i ever have before. her daughter is a few years older than me. i've already dried my tears. i don't want her to know that i was crying. "hi! i came to visit!" i say cheerfully. she says, "you can only come if you're going to help." i sit down on the couch with mountains of socks. green tip with green tip. white sock with white sock. i don't care. as long as i don't have to see jack.

my mother calls. she wants the details of the story. i'm embarrassed to be talking about this in the kitchen. my cousin has the sense to get her kids out of the way. i tell her the story again. she asks me questions, and i answer. she tells me that i'm going to see my therapist later, she's borrowing someone's office for an emergency session with me. her office is already closed for pesach.

that night we did bedikas chametz. our house was sparkling, my soul, my mind, my body were not.