Thursday, March 16, 2017

Old Friends

Today, I got to thinking
About Old Friends.

You know,
The Old Friends You kind of forget about.
The ones who were there for you at the important times
That you didn't know were important.

So, this is to you...
The Old Friend
Who taught me science
So I could retake the test I handed in blank
Because I had no memory of anything the teacher said in class.

The Old Friends
Who took me under their wings
When they were really busy with their teenage lives,
And I a little kid
Invaded their bungalow
Didn't shower
And hid in closets.

The Old Friends
Who accepted the things I told them
Wise beyond their years
Didn't freak out
When I spoke of sexual abuse
When we were only 13.

The Old Friends
Who studied out loud on the phone
When it would have taken them half the time
To study on their own
But did it anyway
So I didn't leave school
Feeling like a complete failure.

The Old Friends
Who came back
Time and again
Even though I pushed them away
Ignored them for years
But were there anyway in my times of need.

The Old Friends
Who went with me to
Therapists
Psychiatrists
And other more uncomfortable doctors appointments.

The Old Friends
Who saved my life
By coming over in the middle of the night
Dragging me away from
My Weapons of Self Destruction
And not giving me any choice
But to Live and Fight on.

Thank you, Old Friends.
Some of you will see this.
It will show up in your inbox.
Some of you, I don't even know how to contact anymore.
But whether you see this or not
Whether you recognize yourself
In my words
Or don't even realize you know me,
I thank you.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Dear Old Therapist

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize that when you denied
The times I worked, the times I tried
You made me feel that I'm just bad
That true healing just can't be had?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize how you missed the signs
Of a disorder you didn't treat
So the more I came to visit you
The more I felt defeat?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Am I the only one of us
who lies awake in bed?
Do you realize that each week I'd come
And be well filled with dread?

Dear old therapist,
I wanted to do well,
But you refused to see how much I grew,
And focused on how I fell

Dear old therapist,
If you don't recognize yourself,
You need to wonder if you're perfect,
Or denials' on your shelf.

Dear old therapist,
I SHOULD haunt your dreams at night!
You SHOULD think of the pain you caused,
And do something, you might--

                ---take a class to learn about the signs you may  have missed
                ---pick up a phone, call, and apologize for work  you just dismissed

Because you know, I'm not lazy,
I'm not a liar,
and I don't just make things up.
You treated me but carefully walked
Passed the cage where I was
locked.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Back From Vacation

So my therapist is back from her summer vacation. Life is getting back on track. But therapy is really hard. I hate just saying "I'm not feeling well" and "I'm exhausted" when I really want to tell people to shut up, leave me alone, and let me rest when I come home.

But it's Friday. There is no time to rest. I need to get my room ready for someone to move in over the weekend. I need to clear my art projects from the stairs. Find a new place to keep my medication, because it is now considered "clutter" when it's on the counter, even though that's the best place for me to keep it so I shouldn't forget to take it.

I'm so tired.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Dentist and Dermatologist

So, yesterday I finally forced myself to the dentist's office. I'm so glad I finally found a dentist who takes Medicaid! He was really kind, and when I told him I wanted to take care of my cavities as soon as possible so I wouldn't have a chance to keep pushing it off, he offered to fill them (all five!!!) on the spot! It was really hard-I'm not a fan of dentists, and there was a lot of triggering stuff in my head, but I got through it. Now I have to find an oral surgeon to take care of my wisdom teeth. Yuck.

Today I took care of another pressing medical need-I went to the dermatologist and had a full body check. What I thought was a mole turns out to be just a scar, but I do have another mole to keep an eye on. She was so patient, and kind, and really paid attention to what I told her about my needs as a DID patient. Unless my mole changes in color or size (she said to check around once a month) I don't have to go back for a year.

Of course, it's been two years since the gyn (or maybe only one? I need to go again, that's for sure) and I'm not doing it. I just can't. And it has been three years since my colonoscopy, and I missed my check in appointment at the GI since I was in the hospital. I have to reschedule, so I can get the colonoscopy over with. And if any of my cousin's from my Dad's side are reading this (you know who you are!) when was your last colonoscopy? When did your GI say to come back! Please be on top of it, we can't afford to lose more family members to the glory of our family GI history!

Monday, August 8, 2016

Today Was a Good Day

I should post that more often!

Today was an awesome day! I'm proud to say that I got to my interview five minutes early (here's to hoping I'm hired!). I remembered to eat real food before leaving the house, and when I walked into a store for a snack, I actively chose not to buy binge food. (Yay, opposite action!) I even did something I thought I would never do. I took my first driving lesson! I didn't even crash! (Who wants to practice with me, after I have a few more lessons??)

I also did something very brave. I accepted the offer to tutor a 12 year old boy. I will be meeting him in a library tomorrow. I can't believe I'm doing it! But I figure, if I'm going to start not being afraid of (all? most?) guys, a great way to do it would be to start with young ones. Here's to hoping!