Sunday, February 12, 2017

Dear Old Therapist

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize that when you denied
The times I worked, the times I tried
You made me feel that I'm just bad
That true healing just can't be had?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Do you realize how you missed the signs
Of a disorder you didn't treat
So the more I came to visit you
The more I felt defeat?

Dear old therapist
Do I haunt your dreams at night?
Does thinking of the pain you caused
Wake you up in fright?

Am I the only one of us
who lies awake in bed?
Do you realize that each week I'd come
And be well filled with dread?

Dear old therapist,
I wanted to do well,
But you refused to see how much I grew,
And focused on how I fell

Dear old therapist,
If you don't recognize yourself,
You need to wonder if you're perfect,
Or denials' on your shelf.

Dear old therapist,
I SHOULD haunt your dreams at night!
You SHOULD think of the pain you caused,
And do something, you might--

                ---take a class to learn about the signs you may  have missed
                ---pick up a phone, call, and apologize for work  you just dismissed

Because you know, I'm not lazy,
I'm not a liar,
and I don't just make things up.
You treated me but carefully walked
Passed the cage where I was
locked.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Back From Vacation

So my therapist is back from her summer vacation. Life is getting back on track. But therapy is really hard. I hate just saying "I'm not feeling well" and "I'm exhausted" when I really want to tell people to shut up, leave me alone, and let me rest when I come home.

But it's Friday. There is no time to rest. I need to get my room ready for someone to move in over the weekend. I need to clear my art projects from the stairs. Find a new place to keep my medication, because it is now considered "clutter" when it's on the counter, even though that's the best place for me to keep it so I shouldn't forget to take it.

I'm so tired.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Dentist and Dermatologist

So, yesterday I finally forced myself to the dentist's office. I'm so glad I finally found a dentist who takes Medicaid! He was really kind, and when I told him I wanted to take care of my cavities as soon as possible so I wouldn't have a chance to keep pushing it off, he offered to fill them (all five!!!) on the spot! It was really hard-I'm not a fan of dentists, and there was a lot of triggering stuff in my head, but I got through it. Now I have to find an oral surgeon to take care of my wisdom teeth. Yuck.

Today I took care of another pressing medical need-I went to the dermatologist and had a full body check. What I thought was a mole turns out to be just a scar, but I do have another mole to keep an eye on. She was so patient, and kind, and really paid attention to what I told her about my needs as a DID patient. Unless my mole changes in color or size (she said to check around once a month) I don't have to go back for a year.

Of course, it's been two years since the gyn (or maybe only one? I need to go again, that's for sure) and I'm not doing it. I just can't. And it has been three years since my colonoscopy, and I missed my check in appointment at the GI since I was in the hospital. I have to reschedule, so I can get the colonoscopy over with. And if any of my cousin's from my Dad's side are reading this (you know who you are!) when was your last colonoscopy? When did your GI say to come back! Please be on top of it, we can't afford to lose more family members to the glory of our family GI history!

Monday, August 8, 2016

Today Was a Good Day

I should post that more often!

Today was an awesome day! I'm proud to say that I got to my interview five minutes early (here's to hoping I'm hired!). I remembered to eat real food before leaving the house, and when I walked into a store for a snack, I actively chose not to buy binge food. (Yay, opposite action!) I even did something I thought I would never do. I took my first driving lesson! I didn't even crash! (Who wants to practice with me, after I have a few more lessons??)

I also did something very brave. I accepted the offer to tutor a 12 year old boy. I will be meeting him in a library tomorrow. I can't believe I'm doing it! But I figure, if I'm going to start not being afraid of (all? most?) guys, a great way to do it would be to start with young ones. Here's to hoping!

Friday, July 22, 2016

Missing Therapy

For the first time since my last hospitalization I missed therapy this morning. I don't know why I didn't sleep last night-I was in bed and mostly sleeping, just not deeply enough. I just couldn't get up this morning.

I had a piano lesson this week, which was really nice. I can almost play what I learned without the notes! I also had a crochet lesson, though my markers Leo falling out and getting lost. I guess I have to try another new kind. 

I found someone who is willing to try and sell my crochet work to help me pay for therapy, so we will see if that helps. (When I have a few pieces ready, I will let you know how to get them!)