Monday, October 20, 2008
really, really jealous.
like everyone, i read and hear stories all the time.
about people so disabled that they depend on others for every physical need-and still, they pray.
people with cancer who don't lose faith.
girls who were raped, abused, beaten...and they're still so close to Him.
and then there's me.
little sheep who took the longest to daven shemona esrei in mid-elementary school-and get told off for it!-and finished davening one of the last throughout her school years.
little sheep who had her teachers worried in school because she cried when she davened.
little sheep who used to cry out "TATTE!" to Him whenever she needed help.
little sheep who doesn't.
little sheep whose tear stained siddur and tehillim sit and wait, lonely.
little sheep who makes sure to have a seat in a small shul out of town where people don't know her, so it won't be as noticeable when she doesn't show up for most of Yom Kippur davening.
little sheep who stopped calling Him Tatte-now only referring to Him by less affectionate terms, like Hashem, God, and well...Him/He.
little sheep who wonders why she should thank Him for returning her soul in the morning.
how do all of them do it? where did i go wrong in life?
through the years when he was abusing me, i prayed. when he came back "in town" from yeshiva, i prayed. before i knew he was going into shidduchim, i prayed. when he got engaged and married, i prayed.
before you tell me that i lost touch with God when i was safe-it's not like that. because in my eyes, i'm no safer now than i was when i was little.
so what happened to me?