Monday, October 20, 2008


i'm jealous.
really, really jealous.

like everyone, i read and hear stories all the time.

about people so disabled that they depend on others for every physical need-and still, they pray.

people with cancer who don't lose faith.

girls who were raped, abused, beaten...and they're still so close to Him.

and then there's me.

little sheep.

little sheep who took the longest to daven shemona esrei in mid-elementary school-and get told off for it!-and finished davening one of the last throughout her school years.

little sheep who had her teachers worried in school because she cried when she davened.

little sheep who used to cry out "TATTE!" to Him whenever she needed help.

little sheep who doesn't.

little sheep whose tear stained siddur and tehillim sit and wait, lonely.

little sheep who makes sure to have a seat in a small shul out of town where people don't know her, so it won't be as noticeable when she doesn't show up for most of Yom Kippur davening.

little sheep who stopped calling Him Tatte-now only referring to Him by less affectionate terms, like Hashem, God, and well...Him/He.

little sheep who wonders why she should thank Him for returning her soul in the morning.

how do all of them do it? where did i go wrong in life?

through the years when he was abusing me, i prayed. when he came back "in town" from yeshiva, i prayed. before i knew he was going into shidduchim, i prayed. when he got engaged and married, i prayed.

and then-nothing.

before you tell me that i lost touch with God when i was safe-it's not like that. because in my eyes, i'm no safer now than i was when i was little.

so what happened to me?


  1. I just found your blog and I'm glad that I did. My own story is nothing like the horrors you lived through, and yet it is very much the same. People wondered at my tears and then remained silent when they found the cause. Not one of them tried to stop his fist.

    I pray. Mostly asking that I will always be able to. But I also slip away sometimes. We all do. This week is a time of Simcha and what that really means is the knowledge that HaShem is close by. He's here, through everything He's been here. Regardless of where you are and what you are now, believe that He is waiting for you. Find the strength to dance this week and try not to worry about anything else. That one goes for both of us.

  2. ella, i was/am lucky in that i've gotten a good response from everyone i told. if only i had told the people who could've helped me earlier...

    i hope your yom tov went well-B"H i have a delicious niece who did a really good job cheering me up, just by being herself!

  3. I don't have answers for you.

    But I just think you ought to know, if you don't already -- the "stories" you hear "all the time" are HIGHLY romanticized.

    Yeah, maybe there are some extremely holy people out there.

    But believe me -- most people in the various difficult situations you've mentioned go through times when they don't feel so holy. Even those who have come through it and are better for it, at least those I know, first went through anger, questioning, and just disconnection.

    The little sheep who "used to" is still here. You're still you. And when you're ready, you'll have a beautiful relationship to go back to.

    Not like some of us who never learned to pray in the first place... sigh.

  4. Little Sheep,

    As a fellow abuse victim, and someone who prays...

    It's Ok to mad. Even at G-d, He's big enough to take it.

  5. mekubal, i wish i was mad. i wish i felt something about God. i don't. that's part of the problem. i have no feelings towards Him anymore.

  6. Little Sheep,

    That also I understand. For me it was part of the healing process. Ritual helped me stabilize. It was a while before I saw it as more than a routine. I remember sitting in minyan, wrapped and talit and tefillin and turning pages in a siddur, while my lips moved. No I wasn't praying, really, I just moved my lips and turned the pages so no one would ask me what I was doing.

    I guess for me part of it was that I was never abused in shul. So it was always a safe place.


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