Monday, November 10, 2008


Its hurting so much...
the urges getting tough...
need help in a rush...
my willpower's not enough!

and i failed again.
within ten minutes of writing this poem
i had hurt myself again.
so much for my very firm statement this morning
"i MUST stop."
will i ever do anything right?


  1. Instead of looking at it as a failure, why not see each minute that you held off as a victory? Or each half-hour as a victory...whatever it is you're up to.

    I'm not just sermonizing again. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me but I've come to view it as essential in my own struggles. And yes, half the time I need someone else with me counting the victories when all I see is the failure. But it's the only thing that works, that keeps me from eating myself up with depression at each failure.

    I know your goal is to stop -- forever. It's ok to work up to that slowly, though. You may not be up to forever yet, but even in the ten minutes after you wrote that your "willpower's not enough" you succeeded in capturing another piece of forever.

  2. i wish i could look at it as a victory...but honestly, i'm not that good. i'm really not. and i need someone with me every second of the day to cheer me on...otherwise i still feel like i'm failing. and even when someone does cheer me on, i don't always believe them...

    oh, what's the use?

  3. Look, buster, I KNOW you are not busy with SI 24/7. I'm not sure what "that good" is that you're referring to, but that means that there are times when you are not doing that which you want to avoid doing. In other words, there are times when you succeed. Don't throw them away.

    What's the use? The use is that setting gigantic goals without including short-term objectives is a guaranteed recipe for frustration and depression. It is the best way to convince yourself that you will never succeed.

    I will let you in on a tiny secret: I have given myself sticker charts. Yes, at 20 years old. I even used sparkly stickers to keep it interesting and chose colors depending on my mood. Guess what? It worked. I was able to look back and have evidence that I could succeed, bit by bit.

    Right now I am giving you one sparkly gold sticker for writing the poem initially instead of doing something else, and one sparkly blue for the time you held off between when you said you couldn't hold back anymore until you actually caved in. * *

  4. just one stupid day is all i ask for. 24 hours with no SI. is that so much to ask of someone my age?

    another day, another failure


  5. It has nothing to do with age. I know how badly you want it, so surely if you were able to at this point then you certainly would. So if you're not making it, then that says to me that this goal may be just beyond your reach right now. Can you try to set a smaller goal and in a little while see if you can push it up?

    I'm not comparing you, of course, but just to illustrate as an example -- A kid I'm working with has serious self-control issues. It's not his fault and he really can't control himself sometimes. His class has a system where if they misbehave a certain number of times in one day, they get time taken off from their computer time at the end of the week. This kid was always on red by noon and always lost his entire computer time by Friday. Of course, that didn't help matters any because he just got angry and frustrated. So the teacher made him a different system: She broke each day into four time periods. Every time period that had no significant misbehavior earned him a check. If he got 3/4 checks in a day, he would get the computer time for that day no matter what (i.e. even if he was awful the next day)
    Guess what? So far so good. He gets his checks, he gets his computer time, he's less frustrated because he can manage what's asked for him (not every time, but much more than before)

    Can you try that?

    (If I'm being too pushy just say so and I'll shut up. I just so much want you to see the strength that you do have and not let it all be eclipsed by a few minutes of failure)

  6. dunno. i guess i'll have to think about it...hey, we can talk more in person-not too far off, right? ;-)

    so far so good today...

  7. SI stands for self injury.

    sorry, i get so used to the lingo, i sometimes forget that the rest of the world doesn't necessarily know what i'm talking about!

  8. Little Sheep: no need to be sorry. I figured it meant something like that, cause you mentioned hurting yourself.

    It really makes me sad to think about the pain you must be going through, to feel like you have to hurt yourself.

    I was reading one of your other posts where you mentioned how the "frum" world won't necessarily want to hear about it, cause they like to think of everyone as good, and that we live in a perfect world, so this ruins that utopian image. I used to be like that, I would trust everyone, and think everyone is good. I sorta still do believe that way, but yet I can understand that there is evil and injustice in the world and I won't doubt it. I just wish it wasn't that way, I wish everyone would be righteous, but I guess we have to wait till Moshiach for that to happen.

    Getting back to this post, I agree with sheffele, every seemingly small thing counts and is a victory. Sorta the same thing like by mitzvos, the harder it is more reward. Plus ever minute you hold yourself back from doing an avaira counts.

    I actually recently heard a shiur about emunah and bitachon, and about suffering and problems. Not sure what you would think of it. I don't want it to come out sounding mean or anything. But the Rav actually said that problems are an opportunity. You can see more about it here

  9. don't worry babysitter, it didn't sound mean.

    technically speaking, i know it's an opportunity. but it't not so simple to put into practice...let's just say that my ruchniyus level leaves much to be desired, and i'm having a lot of trouble dealing with all the physical and psychological aspects of my life, which really throws me backwards when it comes to my ruchniyus...if that makes any sense!

  10. Little Sheep: makes perfect sense.

    and good luck with the evaluation appointment if it gets rescheduled.

  11. next week tuesday, keep me in your prayers, since i doubt i'll remember myself!

  12. Little Sheep: my ruchnius level isn't too great either, at least with the rituals. If I do daven that day, I will keep you in mind!

  13. Look, if ruchniyus doesn't talk to you [yet], then do it for your mental health, ok?

    And don't say "What mental health!" Like I said earlier, if yours isn't good then you surely can't afford to waste these opportunities whether you like it or not.

    You have my number. If you call me to tell me about a failure, I will gladly translate it into success terms if you wish. ;-)

    Chazak ve'ematz, one moment at a time.

    (and since you didn't tell me to shut up, I'm taking the liberty of assuming that it's ok for me to keep bopping at you like this. Just say when...)

  14. Just one more thing:

    "i wish i could look at it as a victory...but honestly, i'm not that good. i'm really not."

    That's what people say when they need to use this strategy more than ever. So :-P
    It's precisely when one can't recognize victory that one needs to start counting them up on paper or something. Then, after a week or so, you can look back and say -- "Wow. I thought I was doing so horrible, but look how many hours I held myself back this week! Maybe I am getting somewhere after all..." And that can give you more strength in the future.

  15. I was just wondering, what sort of meds are you on? Antidepressants?

    Also, when you try to get off--do you feel suicidal?

    I don't know why I'm asking, I was just wondering whether I'm the only one

    I've never, ever heard suicidal thoughts discussed.

  16. anon-i've been on almost every type of meds out there-antidepressants, anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, sleep, gosh, i can't keep track anymore what they're all for!

    right now, i'm basically off everything.

    i'm basically suicidal with or without meds, so i'm not the best person to ask, but as far as i've heard, both starting and stopping meds can increase suicidal thoughts and tendencies. i'm not a doctor though...and a doctor is the best person to ask such a question to!

  17. forget 24 hours of no SI. forget even 12. or 6.

    i just want 2. 2 little hours. 180 minutes. and not when i'm asleep. 2 waking hours.

    is that too much to ask?

    (yes, little sheep has failed and fallen, yet again. no, little sheep is not surprised. just very, very frustrated!)

  18. Hope you won't mind if I ask how old you are? Approximately? I was trying to figure that out, I seriously can't.

  19. early twenties
    most of the stuff here was written long after it happened...


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