Tuesday, January 27, 2009

therapy travels

therapy has never been on my list of favorite ways to spend an evening. is it really on anyones? well, maybe on a therapist's list.

despite this, i go. cuz it's the right thing to do. and cuz it'll kill my mother if i give up, and she doesn't deserve to be killed for being the best mother out there.

this latest therapy is causing more problems than that though. therapy, i don't like, but i can put up with. but travelling for more than half an hour to go for therapy? it's just pushing me to my limits. and besides for the time...

it's not walking.
i have two options:

take the train, or get a ride.

now, if you've read my post triggers you know that i really don't like public transportation. it creeps me out. the crowds-ohmygodisthatsomeonetouchingmegetmeoutofhererightnow!!! the advertisements-ididnotjustseethat.really,ididn't. everything about them. sometimes, if i'm not travelling too far, and i have someone with me, i can handle it. but to be on the train for an HOUR???? it usually leaves me in a sort of panic for a while after.

now, the second option...technically speaking, this should be ideal, right? no crowds, no trains...safe. or it would be. if i wasn't terrified of one place we have to pass on the way...


  1. Here is an interesting link I found.


  2. take first or last car - it's usually far from stairs so there are often sitting places and less crowd.

    Have an ipod always on while in the train - it brings your own world, which you don't have to share with anyone else. This helps to relax and forget that you're on the train. Often it takes you so deep that you forget about all those ads too.
    I say this because it helps me so.

  3. nice in theory, BTS, but an ipod makes you less aware of your surroundings, therefore an easier target...

  4. hard to argue not knowing what you feel...

  5. @BTS:
    Well, you are so right: it is not se easy to understand what this is all about. Since all those are very logical processes, but difficult to understand for someone who never went through such ordeals.

    Even some therapists don't understand them and do not exactely know how to help. It is really difficult to find someone who really knows what he/she does and is really able to help... They are few and far between.

    Imagine how discouraging this is: you go to someone for help: no, he can't. And again, and new hope, just to find out: he can't.

    And many clients take the blame upon themselves. So imagine you have to go, in average through let's say 10 therapists till you find one that is realy able to help.

    When you get to the 2nd or 3rd, you start to be really discouraged, thinking that there is no help in all this wide world.

    And that's more or less what reality is like. Plus you have to pay for the therapy. Plus you have to find out that it's not your fault, but the guy just can't help you... Plus the therapists start to be pissed off.

  6. Therapists should make house calls... ;-)

    (so what if your house is full of triggers, you live there anyway so they may as well deal with it. Or they could make a house call to some neutral place nearby...)

  7. shef-would you care to explain to my little siblings what the *?#! this strange lady was doing in their house? halevai there would be someplace nice and nuetral...

    (ps, my therapist reads my blog ;)

  8. Meh, go explain life to your siblings. You owe them enough explanations already, what's one more?! Halevai, yes...

    (and ps, which one? the current one?)

  9. one more is two too many!

    (ps, the current one. i should give my past one the link so she can be up to date, since i'm probably gonna go back to her after this 14 week thing is up, but i haven't yet...)

  10. @twinkle - your reply raised again one question that I have since first time reading this blog - LS, no offense please, just my personal view.

    Do therapists really help LS and people like her?
    Wasn't it better to make her take it all like it's ok and there's nothing serious happened so that she doesn't get concentrated on it and would forget about it after some time? I.e. not just let go, but intensively make her take it like a minor thing?

    I am not a therapist though so it's just my view of what happened to LS after everything was stopped...

  11. BTS, no offense taken.

    the reason why it doesn't work is quite simple. trauma needs to be processed. if i were able to do it without outside help, that would be wonderful. unfortunately, i can't.

    when trauma is not processed, it comes back to haunt later. i know stories of girls who everyone thought were "fine" and that they "got over it" soon after, and then had huge breakdowns later. for some it happened when they were alone with their husbands right after their weddings. some when they had kids. but it comes back.

    the trauma never left me. sure, there were years when i told the world i was fine, that i didn't need help, that it didn't matter, that it was nothing, that i forgave him. but something always happened to remind me that i wasn't ok, that i needed help, that this is a big deal, and that i didn't forgive him. one incident that comes to mind is when i spent a summer away from home, and someone told a story about a rape in my presence. i ran out of the room, and no one could talk to me for the rest of that shabbos. and rape is a lot worse than what happened to me! this wasn't a detailed story. it went something along the lines of a college girl came back to her dorm and found that her roommate had been raped. end of story. and yet, i couldn't handle it.

    my hope is, that with the proper therapy, i will overcome this, and it won't be such a big part of me.

    (here that rebbetzen?)

  12. I say DSi, but same problem of being less aware.
    And regarding being aware of your surroundings and knowing that you're capable of handling yourself, Tora Dojo Karate!


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