Saturday, August 9, 2008


this is a really long one...not so poetic, even though i intended for it to be a poem...but it's one that i hope i'll be able to change many, many times!

some people wonder
why i keep crashing.
what triggers me?
well, here goes:

most men,
but especially men with red hair,
and a red beard makes it even worse.
red hair-in general-and if i find one on MY head?! you don't wanna know!

any body naked-boy or girl,
but boys are worse
any pictures or advertisements that have men or women who are not fully clothed

magazines at the cash register

tickling-it doesn't even have to be someone tickling me-
if i see someone tickling someone else...
even worse, a boy tickling a girl

a certain tone of laughter-i can't even describe it

dating stories
just the thought of dating.

any stories that mention abuse of any kind

people touching me
seeing any kind of touching between men and women,
boys and girls...
me touching my own body
any two parts of my body touching each other

ok, lets be real-
any mention of anything even connected to sex

getting undressed
showers and baths

lace underwear
night gowns
navy blue polo/t-shirts

hot dogs

lying down flat on my back,
or someone asking me to,
sometimes even seeing someone else flat on their back!
lying down flat on my stomach...
well, same as my back!

having any article of clothing around my neck
without my arms through the sleeves

walking anywhere at night
total darkness

not having immediate access to help when i need it

Girls Run Out So Slowly

one specific spot in the living room of my house
one specific spot in the dining room of my house
any room that's set up exactly like mine was

closing my eyes

unlocked doors
locked doors


push ups

my "little" brother who looks like him
pictures of him, his wife or his kids
seeing him, his wife or his kids
his name
anyone with his name

alomost anything creepy-crawly, really

sleeping in other people's houses

changing diapers,
changing kids in general


public transportation
ads on trains and busses
car services


being drugged to fall asleep

lack of memory

certain songs
hispanic music

footsteps in the dark

any hair on me
that's not attached to me

smells of certain foods cooking


even though dep inside,
i really want them

my period

swivel chairs

anniversary of The Explosion
and The Night Before
being up very late friday nights

metal spoons

socks without something covering the rest of my leg well

some biblical events...

i could go on, but...


  1. to add the latest (specifically not editing the post, because i want it to be clear that these were not around when i wrote it...)



  2. any stories that mention abuse of any kind-this one isn't so bad anymore! yay me!

    any two parts of my body touching each other-this one is getting much better. i can usually handle touching myself now.

    getting undressed-mostly ok with this now.

    showers-getting much better these days

    Girls Run Out So Slowly-i can usually use this word without trouble now.

  3. I'm chapless. what does Girls Run Out So Slowly (yes I know what it stands for....) have to do with anything??
    The other ones I figured out, but...


c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?