Wednesday, March 18, 2009

dear friend

dear "friend"

i used to think i mattered,
but now i'm not so sure,
that i was right in thinking
the way i did before.

i used to think that if one day,
i'd suddenly disappear,
that you'd notice i was gone,
that you would really care.

but now that i don't call,
i don't show my face to you,
i see just how much my friendship
really means to you.

i miss you.
but you don't seem see
maybe that means you are no longer
a true friend to me?

if you would call and tell me
you can't be here anymore
i'd understand it, though
my heart would be so sore

but to just disappear,
as though i never was,
makes me feel rotton
and makes me stop and pause

am i only worth it,
when you need help with preparation?
am i a friend to you,
only from desperation?

no, this friend doesn't read my blog. i can't even tell her about it, or how i feel, cause it's like i've disappeared...i no longer exist.


  1. Wow... that is the most sadly touching poem I've read in a while.

    Since I'm here for you, I'll say this: Sheesh, what a stinkin' rotten "friend," she doesn't deserve to have you in her life and good riddance!

    But what I really want to say is this: Last time I thought that about a friend, I found out that she'd been unable to communicate much because of a serious medical issue. So even when I have concrete evidence that someone is not, in fact, out cold in a hospital somewhere, I still bite my tongue instead of saying anything...

    And I also want to take this opportunity to say that if I ever disappear on you, it's not because I don't care but because I'm being an antisocial hermit. So YOU gotta call and yank me back, k?

  2. No, no. It is not a good idea to play this game.

    If you want to hear from her, call her. Don't wait for her to call and than reproach her that she does not. This is the most effective way to destroy a friendship (believe me, I tried).

    I know it hurts. But reproaches will make it even worse: she will feel awkward, and will avoid you even more... Don't do it!!!!

    If you like, write a letter: I need you, I am so bored, please help me. Perhaps she will react. Yes, you will be in the position of the "nebbech who needs help", but it is healthier than the cynic, ironic, hurtful "You don't need me". Please believe me!!!

  3. I'm so sorry...that's really tough.

  4. I really don't know what to say about this one. I know how painfull it is. Well, I don't really. I've had friends drop out of my life, but not really good friends like she is (was).

    I have told you this before, but I am with twinkle. I say write her a letter. Tell her how you feel...

    I'm sorry. :-(

  5. hey, think about what you are saying dear...

    maybe she feels the same about you...

    is this a game to see who calls first?

    she's your like about her...need her...TELL HER!!


  6. if this were a "who calls first game" this would've been posted months ago. no, this is the result of not having enough energy to keep trying. we used to speak every day. then we cut down to a few times a week. for a few months, i still called and left messages a 2/3 times a week. then i cut it down to once a week. now i don't have the energy to keep doing it.

    i don't expect that my friends will pick up the phone even half the times i call. i know i'm not the most enjoyable person to talk to. i know i'm depressing, and i'm not the best friend to have. i try though, up to a point. what i do expect is that sometimes my friends will pick up, and if they can't, then sometimes they will call me back.

  7. well, if that's the case, sorry. I take a step back...but not from you...

    i've chatted with you plenty...and i don't find you bad company at all!

    if after putting in all that effort she's not responding, then she's not worth being called a friend.

    i understand your grief and pain...
    i'm here for you and you know where to reach me...


  8. Now, I understand you better: it's the sadness about the lost friendship...
    I understand you and I am sorry for my first comment.

  9. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Little Sheep. I know it's hard not to take it too personally, but I think that's just the way most people are, they come and go. Hopefully all the friends who keep posting here will help you fill in the new empty spaces.

  10. ~tova: i'm not bad company? i feel touched. honestly, i think i'm awful company. i don't say anything nice. i make you nuts. (although i think you'd be proud of the way i handled my next-to-last therapy session with #9...i'll post about it...)

    technically, you're right that she's not worth it. but i don't want her not to be worth it! i like her!

  11. ~twinkle-no need to be sorry. my poems only give a slight part of the picture. if i would've been clearer...

  12. Hey although i'm not the exfriend your poem is about,its definitely a wake up call for me to stop being so wrapped up in my own life and to call/txt you.
    Thanx for the reminder and p.s. yur big white fluffy friend says hi and she was so happy to see you on purim!

  13. ~TCI-welcome to my sick and ugly!

    i know people come and go. but most don't disappear from one day to the next. in my experience, most friends who are leaving leave in one of these ways:

    ~one of you moves/switches schools
    ~during a general transition time, like between elementary and HS/high school and sem/one person gets married...
    ~an argument or fight that causes two people to drift apart.

    nothing like that happened. nothing. NOTHING!!

    (sorry, not your fault. i'm just stressed)

  14. ~"anon"-lol. it took me a few seconds to figure out who my "big white fluffy friend" is. although how anyone can forget her is beyond me!!

    and no, you're not that kind of friend. i can think of plenty of things that i've done that should've made you drop me years when we were ten...and twelve...and fifteen...and...and...

  15. I'm so, so sorry!!!
    I can feel your pain in your poem, which is beautifully written, BTW. I have had this happen to me before...I had a friend for 18 years and 1 day she sent me an email telling me that she "didn't have time for high maint relationships right now...but wished me "the best"... Gee thanks for the memories!
    (hug) if ok -
    ~ Grace

  16. at least your friend had the courtesy to send you an email. you know where you stand with her. the last time i met up with this friend was around a few months ago, and she was still saying "call me" but not answering or returning my calls. i don't know where i really stand with her...

  17. Yeah, that's certainly true, huh? I found out exactly where I stood after she once said, "I care about you and I never want to hurt you..." Well, I still haven't been able to remove the knife from my heart and it's been 2 years.... I hope things turn out differently for you...


c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?