Saturday, March 21, 2009

therapy (cont)

therapist #5 suggested that i try EMDR, and then come back to her. after discussing it with my psychiatrist, it was decided that it was a good idea. so off i went to therapist #6, otherwise known as The Disaster. she destroyed what was left of my morale. within a few sessions, i basically learned that everyone who had ever tried to help me before her was a terrible person, and i should never have listened to my parents about how to deal with my problems. i saw her for a few months, despite hating her guts. one session that comes to mind...i was freaking out in her office. shaking and crying. i had a really bad cold. now usually, when i'm crying, i can breathe somewhat. this time, my nose was stuffed, and i couldn't. she chose that day to try teaching me proper breathing techniques..."in through your nose, out through your mouth." yeah. like any air could go "in through my nose" no amount of "i can't"s helped. i got more tense. she told me to breathe. i cried. she told me to breathe. oops, session time over. bye, little sheep! who cares if you're crying? go out into the street... when i went away for a short vacation after a few months with her, i just never made an appointment when i came back. she just wasn't worth it.

since EMDR wasn't at all successful, (i don't know if we even got to do actual EMDR in all the time i was with her) i couldn't go back to therapist #5, so my psychiatrist decided it was time for something new. maybe some group therapy would help. she put us in touch with therapist #7, who didn't have a group for me, but we decided to try her out, in the hopes that maybe she would eventually have one. the thing i remember most about her is her cats. she had two cats who had free roam of her apartment/office. a joy. they liked me. i didn't like them.

when i started really not liking her anymore, and wasn't getting better anyway, only worse, i refused to go back. i told my parents that if they wanted me in therapy, it was therapist #5 or no one. surprisingly, she accepted me back. i saw her for a while, and then we came to a standstill. i wasn't getting anywhere. we decided together that it was time for me to move on. i stopped therapy, and didn't go back in for a while.

(the time span from the beginning of my therapy saga, (therapist #1, school guidance counselor) to what i'm about to say was about eleven years)

around a year ago, i started falling backwards again. getting more suicidal. more SI. more depressed. i made an appointment with my psychiatrist, who gave me new meds (yay! since this post wasn't about meds, i didn't go through all of them, but...yeah.) and the name of therapist #8. therapist #8 was nice. i hit it off with her pretty quickly. worked myself ragged. started writing more, and sharing it in therapy. i worked with her until i started dealing with the stupid study. (was going to link to that, but then i realized there are too many posts about it to choose)

after being rejected from the actual study, i started with therapist #9. i'm not going into details about her, it's way too fresh. but she wasn't bad. (pretty high praise from me...) and's over. i'm going back in a week and a half, and then i'm off two new things...who knows???


  1. oh gosh,
    you've done some shopping around here...
    where to now???

    p.s. i signed on as a follower. take it as an honor...and a gift...i think you are worth following...your desire to heal inspires me...

    (i'm not sure how to sign off when i'm done. how do you use the account stuff and!!)

  2. i dunno where to. if i knew, i'd have less things to make me nuts now. i'm sure the psychiatrist will have some new ideas when i see her tomorrow...(oh, joy!)

    i am honored!!

    (there should be an option to "sign out", near your name in the little followers box on the side)

  3. It's great that you keep going and don't give up. May you see hazlocha soon.

  4. did i get it now or do i still have to sign my name for you to know who i am?

    oh! for gods sake...whats my password.... this is to complicated for someone as slow as me.... maybe i should just stay anonymous....

  5. ~FR-thanks. amen. i wish it was that great...

    ~tova-it would make life a lot simpler for you if you made a gmail account. that way, you could just stay signed in. and you'd know when i'm online too, cuz i don't usuaully stay invisible on there... ;)

    you can just sign off as "tova" too you know...

  6. I read on another site that EMDR does not work so well with repeated trauma. It seems to be more efficient for one-time events.

  7. twinkle-i don't know either way. it was a long time ago...

  8. I went through 8 other therapists before it finally worked out with my ninth. Hang in there!!!!! It will work out!

  9. anon-i'm already past nine...i don't have all that much faith that i'll find one who will really help me. whatever, i'm just a messed up freak. and extremely triggered right now, so i shouldn't be posting!

  10. This may not be my most helpful comment, but I just want to say it in case: Even if the original person who tried EMDR (or a different specific therapy) with you was a creep or something, that doesn't mean the technique will never work for you. It can be a totally different experience with different people. I'm not saying this is the answer to your sojourns, just putting out the idea.

    A person I really, really disliked tried doing EMDR with me and I found it quite traumatic. Years later I had a good therapist relationship and she wanted to try EMDR, I told her about the first try and she offered to do it in a totally different way, and it was really much better.


c'mon, i know you're reading this! what do you think?