thing number three to do when you feel like hurting yourself...journal feelings.
what are feelings anyway? i dunno what i'm feeling. except for feeling like hurting myself. i tried everything that didn't require me to get out of my chair from the list. snapped a rubber band, didn't help, wrong sensation. tried the one friend who i thought might be up, she didn't answer. i should try sleep, but that leaves me away from the computer, and i can't check the list if i'm not by the computer, and who says it's gonna work? usually it doesn't. can't watch a movie, netflix is down, and everything is triggering me. i'm scared. it's hurting me again. i'm also so so tired. probably cuz the meds are starting to kick in. hey, that means i actually remembered my meds two nights in a row, and it's only monday! i can put that on my list of good things. if i remember. this is so not about my feelings. it's just random thoughts. who cares? it's just getting stuff out. i feel like i'm having a conversation with myself. really, i'm not. i'm having a conversation with my readers, who aren't reading this right now, but will read it, eventually. right? (no, i didn't hear an answer. THANK GOD!) (see, i do see the good sometimes) it hurts. it's touching me again. tingly prickly feeling, like...like...i dunno. sorta like his hands are there. slight pressure. i wish i knew the technical term for the exact area that i'm feeling this in. it's not quite any area, that i can think of. it's just...just whatever. and it hurts. oh, i said that already. i keep feeling like i'm on the verge of tears, and then for some reason they just don't spill over. i feel like there's something wrong with me. i'm so depressed and sad and lonely and upset, and yet i can't cry. it hurts. i think i'm not even doing a good job explaining what i'm feeling. no wonder no one can figure out a way to help me. but of course, i can't do a better job cuz i have no idea what's wrong with the way i'm trying to explain myself!
this is getting really long and pointless. i'm writing too many things like this lately. it's not helping either.