can't think

i can't think straight. all i want to do is hurt myself. but really i don't want to hurt myself. i don't know what i want. i want help. but i keep pushing away those who want to help me. why am i such a mess? i want to cry. but i don't. i know if i start crying, i'll be texting my friend in two seconds flat asking how i can get the tears to stop. but i want to. my body is acting all weird. probably cuz i spent so much time hurting it today. so it hurts. everything hurts. my friend says that happiness exists, i just have to look to find it. i don't believe that it does. but i don't think she'd lie to me either. so now i dunno. i'm all mixed up. why do people have to confuse me anyway? and stop feeling sorry for me. i hate when you say that. it makes me feel like even more like a messed up freak. as if that's possible. and i dunno how to chill out, ok? i have to be on high alert, i have to know what's happening and who's coming and going and why things are happening and what causes them. i just have to. you keep saying, everyone keeps saying, that there's good to find in this holiday. if there's good, then show it to me. don't tell me to look for it, because obviously, my vision is clouded, and there's something wrong with me that i can't see it. i can't, ok? i've tried. but i don't see anything. all i see in this holiday is pain. either i'm here and he's here, or he doesn't come, and i'm a disgusting person for making his wife have all the hard work of making her own pesach, or i'm kicked out of my house, and spending yom tov hopping around to relatives i don't necesarily enjoy being with. where's the good in that? and now i'm starting to cry. a drop. no i'm not, it stopped already. good, cuz i can't handle the stupid baby tears right now. there, i found something good. see? i do try. i wish you wouldn't see me as creating drama. cuz i don't mean to. really. and if it's subconscious, there's not much i can do about it, is there? maybe subconsciously i'm really a happy wappy person and i just don't see it. and how can i chill out if i don't know how anyway? whatever. now i'm starting to cry again. i hate this stupid brain. too bad i'm stuck with it. i'm shaking. my head hurts. i should go to sleep. pop a happiness pill and just go to sleep. but if i get into bed, i know i'm going to hurt myself again. and i don't want to. but i do. now i'm just going in circles. i should shut up. i'm cold. my skin is crawling.