Elephant (unknown date, 2019)

I know I'm just a kid, and kids should be quiet and listen nicely but I really want to introduce my family to Elephant. But every time I try, they just laugh. They look right past her and don't even see that she's there.

I tried showing her to my teacher, but the teacher said it wasn't sharing time, and told me to get my silent reading if I was done my math.

The other kids all move over when Elephant is near, cause she takes up so much space. They don't play with me cause they say I'm smelly, but it's not me! Elephant just won't take baths! 

The counselor at school doesn't see Elephant when I show her either. She wants to hear what me and Elephant talk about. But then she says she had to call my mom, and do I let, and I'm just a kid, and kids don't say no to grownups, so I say yes.

Mommy says I have to go to a special doctor. The doctor wants to know all about Elephant, but he can't see her either. He says there's a medicine I have to take and I do. Every day, even in camp.

I don't know where Elephant went. I can't find her, and it makes me sad. Why did she leave? I miss her. 

Almost Caught Up

So, I've almost caught you up on my writing. Unfortunately, I seem to be missing a journal. I also have to figure out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer, and then onto my blog, so you can see the pictures that go with some of the poems. They make more sense with the prompts. Also, just the art from my journals in general.

To catch you up on my life in general...I'm still accepting donations to pay for my past therapy, though BH, I now have a therapist who takes my insurance and doesn't charge me a copay. I still owe my last therapist around $10,000. (Fundraiser is having some technical difficulties and cannot accept donations at this time. I will update you when it's up and running again)

I've moved a few times. Right now, I'm in a wonderful apartment paid for by the government, as part of a Supportive Housing Program for people with mental illness. I have a caseworker who checks in with me once a week by phone, and once a month in person, to make sure things are going okay.

I'm terrible at thinking of what to say about the last four years of my life, so now I'll put it to you, readers. What do you want to know?

Designed to Dehumanize (2/19/2019)

Take off your shoes

your socks, your clothes

Give us your phone,

your watch 

    there's no need for you to track day or time

Here's a narrow bed

In a hall, brightly lit

Stay there.

Stay.

     there's no need for you to have privacy or control

No, your friend can't stay

sit alone

no advocate

no one to hold your hand

    there's no right to have a voice

"insane"

"crazy"

laughter at

the grown man crying

    there's no right to dignity

Whatever the signs, the papers say

The psych ER

is Designed to Dehumanize

Garden (5/14/2019)

 I stand at the entrance of the garden with my eyes closed, I want to savor every minute of the experience, for tomorrow, I will be in another time and space, and these moments in this garden will be gone for good. I removed my socks and shoes before entering, so my entire being could feel the essence of this wonderful place.

I step carefully onto the warm stone path. I can feel the sun shining on my face, but the stone is still cool from last night's rain. The stones are smooth, and I sit down carefully. Sliding cautiously to my right, my arm bumps gently into the low stone barrier that keeps the overflow contained. I reach out carefully, touching the ridged leaves and feeling their shape, caressing the soft flower petals, and noticing the prickly grass below.

I can no longer contain myself. I MUST open my eyes. I stand and slowly turn, so I can see the whole garden. There is a brilliant array of color, and the dazzling sunshine hurts my eyes for just a short moment. I don't have enough plant knowledge to name the flowers around me, but I am in awe of the variety and how magnificent they all are-whites and pinks, reds and yellows...in the distance, I can see a hint of purple, to my left, fuchsia. And the greens! So many shades and hues, I can hardly take them all in.

I walk a little further in, and kneel to smell the flowers. Some smell a little bitter, but most have the sweetest aromas. I close my eyes again to regain focus. There is a songbird hidden somewhere nearby, I hear its song, light and sweet. I feel the breeze, and hear the leaves rustling.

I look for some honeysuckle, hoping to taste its sweetness. I can't find any. It's time to leave, and I am slightly saddened, but my heart is full.

We (4/30/2019)

We sit, side by side

Older, younger

Bigger, smaller

Who is who?

Who am I, are we?

We create, side by side

adding, removing

placing, moving

pieces and parts

of personality.

I am she,

She is me,

Together-we.