to touch or not to touch, that is the question

every day i get myself up
force myself out of bed and get dressed
show up at day camp (ok, sometimes late!)
even though i may be depressed
smile at the kids (at least i think i do!)
let them hug me, tug me, touch me
pull my hands, high fives, hang themselves on my neck
sit with them so close to me
hold them in my lap when they cry
change them for swimming when i must
breath through their stripping and running
and yet, when it comes to my friends whom i trust
i do not let them touch me, hold my hand through my pain
i don't let them gently pat my back or
give me the hugs i need-it's insane!
i think i've come to the point
where i'd love a hug at night,
for someone to show me how much they care
by hugging me gently, but tight,
but then just when i think i'm ready
ant at the right moment i'll ask
the time gets closer and i panic
and let the moment slowly pass.

oops. too late. again. as always. oh well.
maybe next time. maybe.

smash!

my path

one step forward
ten steps back,
when will i get
the courage i lack?

showered myself
for so many years,
and yet now i
tremble in fear

how many years
did i sleep through the night
yet now i wake up
in the middle, filled with fright

used to need my room to be
pitch black at night in bed
yet now i must have a light
darkness around me i dread

my short term memory
was once really great
now faces and names...
uh, what was i gonna write?

one step forward,
ten steps back,
when will i get
the courage i lack?

people

people just don't understand
why i act the way i do,
whey there are words i can't hear,
foods i can't eat,
and never, ever touching.

people just don't understand,
why i act the way i do,
why there are people i can't see,
names i can't say,
and never, ever changing kids.

people just don't understand,
why i act the way i do,
why i curl up in a ball,
why i won't go to bed,
still need my teddy,
and never, ever shutting all the lights.

people just don't understand,
that dealing with trauma is
hard work, a job like any other, and
has ups and downs-way, way downs,
and that a lot of things i do-are really normal
for someone healing from trauma.

Girls Run Out So Slowly

You say it's a useful word,


splendid and descriptive.
I say it's a sick word,
that makes me feel disgusted.

You say it's a surname,
common the world over.
I say it reminds me of
his awful abusive behavior.

I know you like to use it,
you say it all the time,
but before it leaves your mouth
please think of my short rhyme.

Every time you say it,
I'm reminded of my past,
and feel so sick and nauseous,
you may receive what I ate last.

So be careful my friends,
before you use the word GROSS
cause every time you say it,
my inside, my body, my mind, are the ones that feel it most.

how?

when my heart aches so much, that I feel the pain all day, whatever I'm doing,

how can I just keep up the act after 8 long hours of pushing?

when my arms and legs are screaming from the touch of many, many, little hands,

how can I just keep up the act after 8 long hours of forcing?

when my body is howling from the tingling, crawling spiders,

how can i just keep up the act after 8 long hours of pushing, forcing, concentrating on not crying?

when I've reached my limit,

how do I keep going?

meds

popping those pills
for emotion ill-
to make you sleep,
wake up, and eat,
bring out the happiness from deep inside
make the pain run away and hide...

let's try Lexapro,
no Remeron is better!
That one's not working but
Effexor might just get 'er!
add in Clonazapam-
it'll stop panic and shakes,
take Seroquel! Zyprexa! Ambien!
if you're too scared and awake
Don't forget multi vitamins-
you're low on vitamin D,
and many people are helped by
taking B-Complex and Omega-3...SO

(tto: count your blessings)
count, count, count those pills every day...
count, count, count those pills or you will pay...
and you will have so many, i'm sure you'll say,
I could never count them in a hundred days,
so count, count, count those pills, every day!

why can't i?

want to cry, cry, cry
though my eyes are dry
let my soul fly high
as the night goes by
how do i try and try
to keep in my sobbing and sighs
to keep on living a life as a lie
and not really reaching my emotional high
when i'd really love to shy
away from the questions of people who pry
and continuously ask me why
and where, what, who, when, by,
about anything and everything as the days inch by
so tell me my friends-
_
_
____________why can't i cry?

my body talks

tingling, stinging, awful pain
coursing so long through my veins,
muddling my aching brain,
and driving me insane.

aching pressure on my heart,
threatening to tear it apart,
with shooting, flying, painful darts
that cannot be expressed through my art.

so dry ant yet they're smarting too,
hard to keep my eyes open through,
all this pulling my brain to review
when my stomach wants to regurge my food

my mouth so dry, it cannot talk,
and yet my legs refuse to walk,
cuz my body keeps trying to balk
from the haunting, fearsome, inner stalk--

of pain, of past,
of images that last,
of many fears,
of unshed tears.

hair

i know there is no dog in this house,
and yet, when i look down at the bed,
i see many, tiny, light colored hairs,
look like they're from a yellow lab's head!
and then i realize what i've been doing,
in the past few hours of lying,
been pulling the hairs off my legs, strand by strand
that's why short blonde hairs are flying!

the bottom

dashed hopes

today,
i woke up from my nap
and realized i was comfortable
totally relaxed
at peace
my mind calm
no pain in my body
anywhere.

but,
just as i was starting
to smile,
to acknowledge how
good i felt
and that i must really be
starting to heal...

my body
started up again.
the pain came back
the moment was lost.
gone.
forever.

It II

It's here again.
It's going to get me.
It won't listen
when i tell Itto
go away.
don't touch me.
please.
i don't understand
how It gets in.
i'm a 12 hour drive
away from him.
if we are so
far apart
how can It come
and touch me
again?
i don't know...will i
be able to overcome
my fear that
It will overtake me?
will i be able to
change
all teh way
even though
It
is her?
even though It
is coming into my bed?
will i be able to
let the meds
take over
my body and
make me fall asleep?
or will i
just sit here
in my clothing
and stay awake
fight the meds
because i can't
fight It
and i need to
be able to
control
something?
anything?

It's here again...

outer space

people think
that outer space
is someplace far away.
i don't think so.

outer space is...
right here,
in the room,
as i clutch my teddy bear.

outer space is...
right here,
on the bed,
as i curl up in a corner and starte.

outer space is...
right here,
in front of my face,
as i try to keep myself grounded.

outer space is...
right here,
in my body, in my mind, my bed, my room,
as i try...try...to block it all out...

sometimes,
outer space seems
like a wonderful place
to be...
but then...
at those times...
it slips out of my grasp,
further
_____and further
_____________and further
_____________________and further
_____________________________away from me....

maybe outer space,
is not as close by,
as i'd like for it to be.