to touch or not to touch, that is the question

every day i get myself up
force myself out of bed and get dressed
show up at day camp (ok, sometimes late!)
even though i may be depressed
smile at the kids (at least i think i do!)
let them hug me, tug me, touch me
pull my hands, high fives, hang themselves on my neck
sit with them so close to me
hold them in my lap when they cry
change them for swimming when i must
breath through their stripping and running
and yet, when it comes to my friends whom i trust
i do not let them touch me, hold my hand through my pain
i don't let them gently pat my back or
give me the hugs i need-it's insane!
i think i've come to the point
where i'd love a hug at night,
for someone to show me how much they care
by hugging me gently, but tight,
but then just when i think i'm ready
ant at the right moment i'll ask
the time gets closer and i panic
and let the moment slowly pass.

oops. too late. again. as always. oh well.
maybe next time. maybe.