The Battle I am Facing

this was written by a man who survived abuse as a child. i do not know his story, but found his poem on pandy's a while back, and he gave me permission to share it. i think it's one of the best descriptions i've ever seen of what it's like trying to heal from the trauma of abuse.

___________

When I was a child, I thought as a child, I acted as a child, I suffered as a child and I was abused as a child.But after I became a man, I DECIDED TO FIGHT BACK

__________
THE BATTLE I AM FACING

___________

I entered in this battle with no basic training or instruction.

Surrounded by so much to fight I faced personal destruction.

I steadfastly refuse to surrender and never will retreat.

Each day I mount a new offensive after knowing real defeat.

________

Propaganda written of this war harms my will to fight,

Exhausted from the constant stress, I toss and turn at night.

Each day I dig a new foxhole for rest along the way.

But sleep is short before I rise to fight another day.

_____

Oft times I feel I am left to war without a battle plan.

I feel I’m fighting all alone and struggle just to stand.

No way to call in air support for mortars or artillery.

I tried reaching out to others but no one answers me.

_____

I lost my entire childhood, my self respect and pride.

My modesty, my dignity and it left me crushed inside.

The hurt, the shame, the humiliation affects me totally.

The guilt and pain of constantly dealing with the memory.

_____

It took me very long to learn but I now clearly see.

A close look at the enemy revealed the enemy is me.

This is something I must deal with, I must conquer it.

No matter how hard the road ahead I faithfully commit.

_____

To not give in, to not give up, to see this battle through.

Till I can know complete deliverance and I can feel brand new.

Each day I bandage up my wounds and determine to fight on

Even when I am so weary and it seems that hope is gone.

_____

I oft review how this war began and try to count the cost.

The casualties are numerous and so much has been lost.

Looking ore this life-long struggle with no victory in view.

In this battle with my emotions, I am a P.O.W
_____

~ Daved

Dear God

(dedicated to my dear friend who says "so pray right now. even if you don't feel it." and "pray. try.")

Dear God, there are many things they tell me about You,
they tell me they are very sure that all these things are true.
Dear God, they tell me You always hear,
they tell me my prayers don't just disappear.
Dear God, they tell me You do understand,
they tell me i'm led by Your guiding hand.
Dear God, they tell me that You're standing Guard,
they tell me You're with me when life seems too hard.
Dear God, they tell me You know my pain,
they tell me You know how from all this, i'll gain.
Dear God, they tell me that You know best,
they tell me it's You who gave me this test,
Dear God, they tell me You made strong enough,
they tell me You'll help me through all this stuff.
Dear God, there are so many things they tell me about You,
i wish the truth wasn't always hidden from my view.

SI

need help
can't get
don't even know
why upset
haven't got
any tears
haven't had
for many years

does anyone hear
my silent cries?
does anyone see
the pain in my eyes?
tiny, flying
loose little hairs?
big red bite marks
here and there?
brown scratches?
lumpy sores?
all from urges
i can't ignore?
and the other injuries
that continue to grow
even if they don't
physically show
cuz not every type of SI
is visible to
the human eye?

does anyone hear
my silent cries?
does anyone see
the pain in my eyes?

phrases that should be banned

these are not all things that were said to me, although some were. they were taken from a thread on pandy's, and i think everyone should see it before they open their mouths! more to come...

"Get over it"

"and did you like it?"

"It was such a long time ago, can't you just forget about it and move on?"

"at least you aren't suffering from famine or being bombed"

"I think God was just trying to get your attention."

"You are not the only one this has ever happened to, it is time to get over it."

"Didn't you ever tell him to stop?"

"Why did you let him do it to you for so long?"

"Why didn't you tell?"

"You just need to forget about it"

"You're still grieving over that thing? Forget about it."

"You shouldn't feel so bad because you're not a kid anymore."

"It happened to you because you were stupid and immature."

"I would never LET anyone do that to me."

"You're saying this to get attention."

"I think you're exaggerating."

"That's not a big deal."

"Are you sure this really happened?"

"C'mon, nobody can remember THAT much about from when they were a little kid"

(about depression) -- JUST SNAP OUT OF IT

"You're overrreacting. Every sibling gets curious about one another"

"But it was only a couple times."

"Why are you in therapy and antidepressants your fine, you over think things."

"Just read the Scriptures every morning and night, pray for him and for you to open your heart for forgiveness and fast every Sunday, God will heal you. You don't need to see a therapist all you need is God."

"Everybody has problems. Stop complaining."

"Are you sure you're not exaggerating?"

"Just pretend you don't have problems and you feel better."

"You just have a bad attitude. You'll get better if you just change your attitude."

"it could of happened so many more times."

"Are you sure you didn't misunderstand?"

"if there was any more, don't ever tell me. no matter what."

"people like you are ruined"

"It's all in your head."

"God never gives you more than you can handle"

"It could have been worse"

"You could have stopped it if you wanted to"

"You should be thankful for what you do have"

"Stop dwelling on the past, it's over"

"You're Grandma has survived war and cancer and she never cries."

"No matter what he's done, he's still your father."

stay tuned for excerpts from "what response do you/did you want to hear" and others!

Jealous

i'm jealous.
really, really jealous.


like everyone, i read and hear stories all the time.

about people so disabled that they depend on others for every physical need-and still, they pray.

people with cancer who don't lose faith.

girls who were raped, abused, beaten...and they're still so close to Him.

and then there's me.

little sheep.

little sheep who took the longest to daven shemona esrei in mid-elementary school-and get told off for it!-and finished davening one of the last throughout her school years.

little sheep who had her teachers worried in school because she cried when she davened.

little sheep who used to cry out "TATTE!" to Him whenever she needed help.



little sheep who doesn't.

little sheep whose tear stained siddur and tehillim sit and wait, lonely.

little sheep who makes sure to have a seat in a small shul out of town where people don't know her, so it won't be as noticeable when she doesn't show up for most of Yom Kippur davening.

little sheep who stopped calling Him Tatte-now only referring to Him by less affectionate terms, like Hashem, God, and well...Him/He.

little sheep who wonders why she should thank Him for returning her soul in the morning.


how do all of them do it? where did i go wrong in life?

through the years when he was abusing me, i prayed. when he came back "in town" from yeshiva, i prayed. before i knew he was going into shidduchim, i prayed. when he got engaged and married, i prayed.

and then-nothing.

before you tell me that i lost touch with God when i was safe-it's not like that. because in my eyes, i'm no safer now than i was when i was little.

so what happened to me?

psych ward

do you know the humiliation

of having your pockets checked

when they are empty?

of needing to have someone to unlock the bathroom door

so that you can get in?

of being placed in "time out" like a 5 year old-

when you're approaching adulthood?

of being given a pack of stickers for a week's "good behavior"

when you know the packs come in packs of 10 for a dollar?

do you know the pain

of being told you're in a safe place

when the atmosphere around you is something you've always considered unsafe?

of sitting in a roomful of triggers

and being commanded to "tell the group what brought you here?"

do you know the frustration

of knowing why you are in a given place

and that the people who are supposed to "help" you are not worthy of trust?

of being about to graduate high school, and knowing you have the intelligence to do so,
but being taught a sixth grade level?

of having two days of the week that the primary activity expected of you is to watch movies,

when you are used to that time being spent reading, singing, and relaxing with family and friends?

Do you know the disgust

of a plate of unrecognizable and tasteless food,

being your lunch, your supper?

Welcome to the psych ward.

Where your feelings-
don't count.

deep breath...ok...i can post this...

(i never showed this one to anyone. not even my closest friends. a little-well, more than a little-scared to post this...little sheep scrunches up eyes real tight, then realises she can't possibly read what she's going to type with her eyes closed...)

blank mind, version II (original date of this version: 08/09/08)

i'm lying on my mother's bed.
staring straight at the ceiling.
no one's around but me and him-
they must all be out, or sleeping.
still don't know what i am wearing
or why i was there of all places
and i can't think of why there is background noise-
maybe one of my other siblings is awake in another room?
he wants to try something.
i don't know what.
he's on top of my and i'm in pain.
i know i'm screaming
but i don't know where the pain is.
his face is very red.
i don't know if it's significant or not
cuz everything about him is.
red i mean.

i'm no less scared after typing this than i was before. in fact, i think i'm even more scared now. this crazy thought just popped into my head that there was someone else in the room.

it can't be true. IT CAN'T!

will you?

if i haven't showered in a long time

and i really smell bad,

but i come to you for a hug-

will you still hug me?

if It haunts me so much

that the only way to stop It

is to hurt myself so bad that i bleed-

will you take care of me?

if i fall so low and crash so hard

that i can't be allowed to stay home,

and my doctor locks me away in the psych ward-

will you come visit me?

if i call you crying for the millionth time

about the same thing, again,

and i won't listen to what you're saying-

will you still listen to me?

if i stop hating only him,

and what he did and caused within me,

and start hating you and all those around me-

will you still love me?

if i lose all hope that i can ever change

all faith that things can ever improve,

and this last tiny spark within me dies-

will you still believe in me?

will you?

OW

Only someone like me
When presented with an

Interesting speech sits
Moaning

In pain. physical pain.
Not that no one else here can be in

Pain, but
All the others probably have something physical causing
It. the physical pain i mean. but
Not i.

why II

sitting at a speech
he's not talking
about anything
triggering
so why
am i
so covered in spiders
in so much pain
shivering
why?
why?

His Hand

Vayehi erev
________vayehi boker
_________________yom echad. (Bereishis 1:5)

the night
______the day
__________they're both from
the same Source.

it's all from Him.

but why is it
so hard
to see
His Hand?

when i look
for something
for a long time,
and then,
suddenly
i find it,
in the first
place i had looked,
then,
i see
His Hand,
so clearly.

but
i want
to see His Hand.

to see His Hand
in everything.

in my pain
in my happiness
in my falls
and when i get up again.

why don't i see
His Hand
when i know
He's here?